The boys had absolutely no idea that their dad was coming to town.
We decided that this would probably be the best option considering trips and plans are always subject to change when you're in the military.
I also wouldn't have been able to bear the look of disappointment on their faces if something were to happen... the Dairy Queen Incident was hard enough.
So I packed up everything they needed to stay with their dad out at the lake house for the weekend:
- swimming trunks, beach towels, sunscreen
- fishing poles & tackle boxes
- food for the weekend (marshmallows, graham crackers, & chocolate: of course!)
and we hopped into the car to go for a little drive where I told them they might be getting a little surprise.
When we pulled up to the lake house (Christopher calls it "Buscia's" because that's Rob's Grandma and she used to live there. "Buscia" is Polish for 'grandma') and they had no idea he was there already. As you can see in the video, as soon as we stopped Christopher had already opened up his door and took off running up to the house with Ryan not too far behind and from around the corner you can hear him yelling, "DADDY! WE MISSED YOU!"
My heart was so full watching them hug their dad.... they've missed him so much. More than he'll ever know.
As soon as the camera cut off I couldn't contain myself anymore and I had to hug him. It didn't matter if he hugged me back or not. I wasn't going to keep that in. I dropped all of their stuff off and then left to go pick up some firewood so they could have a fire that evening and pick up more food so he didn't have to worry about cooking. That was my goal for the weekend: to make it so that he could just enjoy as much time as he could with them with as little stress as possible.
We ate dinner together and I found out he got a new tattoo (actually... I already knew about it ... oddly enough I had a dream about it so it wasn't exactly a surprise) and then I left. It was so difficult to drive away knowing that I was leaving three-quarters of my family there. I laid in bed that night listening to the quietness - happy that the boys had their dad back but with a heavy heart because it was so hard to stay at my house knowing my best friend wasn't 10 hours away.... he was 10 minutes away. And I couldn't even be there with him. I just wanted to talk with him. Share some laughs. Talk about our kids. Just sit there. But that didn't happen and that stunk. But I prayed, turned on my positive playlist, and let some tears fall.... knowing that yes while I'm sad now: everything's going to be ok.
The next day (Saturday) was quite an ...... interesting.... morning.
On Friday night I went to bed early because that's all I wanted to do to take my mind off of everything. And I had received a phone call very late at night from a phone number I didn't recognize.
Saturday morning, a little after 7 a.m., I received a call from the same number. I found it odd so I answered it. Turns out that it was the ultrasound clinic calling from Madison (1.5 hours away). The ultrasound technician had a family emergency come up and she had to cancel my appointment. Not only that but the usual technician who would be on call was also out of town so there was NOBODY to do the ultrasound.
I had emailed her to let her know of the situation (that Rob and I are separated) just so there were no questions that we had to awkwardly answer.... I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. She felt so bad because my heart was just crushed. I couldn't even say anything and there was at least 30 seconds of silence after she said, "I'm so sorry" .... I couldn't even talk. My words were choked up and caught in the back of my throat.
Could this actually be happening right now? The ONE thing we would get to experience together with this pregnancy and here it was falling apart.... why?!
"That's ok. I completely understand. It's not your fault. Thank you for letting me know".... was all I could get out before hanging up the phone. I had already checked other places for this particular weekend (a Saturday) and they were all booked. But I decided to check one more time to see if by some miracle another place had opened up.
Maybe for those of you that have me on facebook; you saw my post that morning. I was DESPERATE for ideas on other places to go to for an ultrasound.
I had already checked with my doctor: no they weren't going to do one "just for fun"... so finding a hospital was out of the question. Not only that but in the hospital settings they don't allow video recordings because it's a "liability".... and that was what I mainly wanted was to be able to record it.
So I searched. Called. Prayed. .... nothing.
Another clinic called back to say that this was the only weekend that both of the technicians were going to be out of town ... which NEVER happens! .....
After nearly an hour I literally just gave it up. I said, "Ok God. I completely trust that there's a reason it didn't work out and I'm ok with it". So instead I went to the local bookstore to find some encouraging Father's Day presents for Rob. I stumbled across a couple books:
- the first was a "memoirs" book from a father to his kids and goes into questions from his childhood, favorite memories, best advice.... something I thought would be neat.
- the second book was called "God's Promises for Father's" . Whether you believe in God or not.... whether you agree with the bible or not: keep an open mind. The passages in there are AMAZING advice for Christians and non-Christians alike that offer amazing encouragement and quotes for parents.
As I was in the back of the store looking at scrapbook paper for his Memories Scrapbook (click to view photo) I got a phone call. It was from an ultrasound clinic in Eau Claire and the sonographer - Jillian - called to tell me she could get us in that day. I literally had tears streaming of joy streaming down my face in the bookstore. I couldn't believe it. So I checked out my books and then left to pick up Rob and the boys.
The 2 hour drive to Eau Claire was the most pleasant time I've ever spent with Rob in a vehicle. Both of the boys fell asleep and we just talked. There was no stress. There was no hostility. There was no tension. It was relaxing just sitting there with him. He showed me a book on his kindle called "Sniper One" about a group of British soldiers that had been deployed to the same place he had been in Iraq. I started reading it during the drive until I got carsick (and I now have it on my kindle. I recommend it if you're curious) Some of the things I read about in there.... it just blows my mind. It's absolutely no wonder he always wanted to have guns everywhere and was always looking around and "checking".
I'm not sure how many of you know this: but ever since last year, whenever Christopher and Ryan were outside... they would "look" for a sister. Everybody's heard of those funny stories of "where babies come from".... right? Well Rob's dad had a good one. He told Rob that one day when he was out walking through the woods he found Rob in a tree stump and he brought him home and that's where he came from! So for the longest time Rob told Christopher that he found him under a rock and he found Ryan in a tree stump. I'm sure you can see where this is going.... they would go outside and overturn rocks and look in trees just checking for a sister.
In fact - when I find the picture - I'll post that to a blog. One day while my mom was living with us she came back to the house telling me how the boys were intent in just flipping large boulders over the entire time they were playing outside and I had to explain to her what they were doing. I have the funniest picture! So they started praying for a sister. Christopher told me one day that he was praying for a sister because "daddy needed a girl" and God told him that he would give him a sister.
I suppose this is where his conviction came from.
They have been praying for a sister for a year.
Some day maybe I'll tell you the whole story on it.... let's just say I don't think it was a coincidence.
The look on all of their faces when they found out it was a sister was priceless. I wish the footage hadn't been so dark: their grins were huge!
After the ultrasound we went out to eat and then when we got back to the lake house I was ready to send the boys off with hugs and leave for home but was pleasantly surprised when Rob asked if I wanted to stay a little bit.
So I agreed and we all watched Scooby Doo.
Even if it was only for 7 hours that day: it was 7 wonderful hours together as a family.
Because no matter what: there's always a little piece of your heart missing when you're not all together.
Having every member of my family under the same roof? Knowing our little baby is the sister the boys have been praying for? That day couldn't have felt more complete.
It was a good day.
I left Rob and the boys that evening not in sadness; but in peace. In happiness. I left to work on the scrapbook for him (something I'm STILL working on.... let me tell you: this thing is QUITE THE PROJECT! But I'm very happy with how it's turning out). I left knowing that while things might not be "ok" right now: God has a plan for everything. All I need is the patience to see it through in HIS timing (NOT MINE!)
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The next day: Sunday... FATHER'S DAY
I got ready, made cupcakes, made egg-bake to bring over for breakfast, and picked the boys up for church.
The boys made Father's Day Cards in church that said, "I'm hooked on daddy" (click here to view picture) then I dropped them back off at the lake house after it was done so I could go pick up his gifts, frost the cupcakes (click here to view photo of them) , and bring over the taco fixings for lunch. The boys handpicked out their cards for him and gave them to him. I enjoyed making lunch for my family. I never realized how much I actually enjoyed cooking for Rob....
the walking tacos with venison that we processed ourselves were AMAZING.
And as you can see from the videos we spent the rest of the day fishing, relaxing, and the boys just enjoyed their time with daddy. I was going to leave but he asked me to stay again - and I wasn't going to say no. I can't imagine how he must be feeling right now. Actually.... I can if it's anything close to how I was feeling.
You force yourself to go numb because feeling nothing is better than feeling pain.
You get caught up in what was "wrong" or what "won't work" instead of trusting God and focusing on what IS working.
You lose faith. You let your fear of getting hurt and of what could go wrong squash the potential of what can go right... if you just open up your heart.
But once you've been hurt; opening up your heart is easier said than done.
You shut down emotionally and shut the other person out to protect yourself.
It's exactly how I felt when he came up to visit in February.
I felt weird and awkward. Like I wanted him there........but I didn't.
So I totally know where he's at right now.
I just pray that he can understand someday why I left.
I pray he knows how much he's loved and missed and how much these kids need him: the healthy version of him.
Notice I didn't say 'perfect' - because NOBODY is perfect.... ESPECIALLY not me!
These kids don't need perfection: they just need him to continue to focus on himself and getting himself better first so then he can focus on being a dad.
I don't even know if he realizes it but he was SO much more relaxed.... I could see the stress all over him before we left. Part of the reason I knew we had to go: it's not like he could walk away from his job in the military when he's under a contract. He couldn't get rid of the physical pain. Something had to give. But this past weekend? He just enjoyed being with them. He played, laughed, gave them a bath, tucked them in, made s'mores. Things he was too stressed to do before with school, work, battling PTSD, and doing it all without help from medication or counselors. It's no wonder why there was a relapse. So seeing him with them just filled my heart. They haven't been happier and they can't stop talking about it. They miss him so much.
My prayer for him is that he realizes how much he's loved and supported.
I pray he realizes how important it is for the kids to have him in their lives.... how much they need him in their lives.
I pray he never settles for "ok".
At the end of the day: no matter what.... he's still my best friend.
I still love him.
And I'm never going to give up on him. Ever.
He's loved and missed every single day.
Thank you all for the love and support our family has received.
I can't say enough how much we appreciate the kind emails, messages, and comments.
Thanks for reading and letting me share in our family's journey <3
It's not perfect.... but it's life!
