UNSEEN FOOTAGE!!! ----> What's My Channel About @ sboell002

I think some of you know that I have been vlogging (fancy term for "Video Blogging") since 2009 when I got pregnant with Christopher!
I started because I wanted to have a way to remember stuff AND because I wasn't living in the same area as my family and friends so it was a fun way to keep them posted.
Well .... little did I know it would turn into more and turn into YEARS of vlogging!
Lots of my videos outside of pregnancy were just random life updates and some monthly montages....
and then with this pregnancy life is SO CRAZY and there just didn't feel like that much to report on baby number three.
However... I still wanted to do something fun and unique.
So I decided to do daily vlogs : countdown to baby until she gets here!
Which... could be in a week and a half. Two weeks. Heck it could be another month from now!
I guess we'll find out!

ALSO: I found my footage from when I first found out I was pregnant
REMEMBER: I had already left and was on VACATION IN FLORIDA when I found out.
I actually left my mom and boys at the hotel to go "clean out the car".
And .... I found out for a SECOND TIME in a gas station bathroom that I was pregnant.
So here is some of the NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE of my literal INITIAL REACTION.

Oh yeah. It's legit.
Hope you enjoy!
And stay tuned to THIS PLAYLIST right here for me Countdown to Baby Daily Vlogs!
Thanks for watching :)

The $100 Lesson That My Phone Taught Me

CLICK HERE to go to NEW BLOG!

As most of you (hopefully) have already figured out: I've been "solo parenting" for nearly a year now.... by choice.
Unfortunately the hardest one I've ever had to make.
I hate the term "single mom" because I'm not technically single.  I just dislike it.

LINKS: Why I Walked Away   and    Monster in my Marriage
(you will be taken to the NEW ProjectEvolveLife Blog!)

If you haven't been to the blog before or you want a little insight as to WHY I Walked Away:
those two posts might be helpful.
And before you start reading: it's not because I hate my husband or because he's some terrible person.
Quite the opposite, in fact. Which is why it was incredibly hard.
I love that man and we miss him every single day.... more than he can ever imagine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday was a rough day.
It's been a little bit more of an emotional roller coaster the past month and it's definitely been a fight to stay grounded, focused, and positive. It honestly takes time during the day where I have to simply focus on staying in the right mindset otherwise I could easily get swept away by the feelings and emotions that I'm having. (Some of which I am quite sure are due to surging hormones!)
I have to remember that I'm not ALWAYS going to have a belly that gets uncomfortably in the way of doing dishes: so instead of complaining.... just sit down and enjoy it because in a few weeks that little bump housing my princess will be gone and I'll miss it.
Instead of focusing on not having somebody there to cuddle up next to I have to think of how grateful I am that I can be 9 months pregnant (nearly) and able to sprawl out and take up the ENTIRE bed.
See what I mean? I've literally had to shift my thinking.

Things have not been easy: far from it!
But I've taken comfort in the fact that no pain is wasted.
Every tear that's fallen has a purpose and is going to be put to use.
Right now it's like I'm smack-dab in the middle of the book... the anxious chapters where all of the drama happens with plot highs (and lows). Reminding myself of that daily is crucial.
This is NOT the ending.... even though some days I question it and it certainly feels like it.
Some days I honestly just want to sit, quit, and fold my cards because I don't know how in the world I can take one more day of it. I think to myself,
"Oh how much easier to just call it quits. Give up. Move away. Nothing I'm doing is making a difference anyways"
But that's just stupidity (and being human!) Nothing goes away simply because you ignore it.

So yesterday:
was one of those low plot-points in this story.
(when I finally have that book written.... I'll put more in there. This blog: this is just a little window.  A sneak peek into what's going on.  A way to make sure I never get buried again in feeling like I have to hide what's going on in my life or be ashamed of the struggles I've been going through!)
I was frustrated at a phone call.
I let myself get offended and I let my feelings be hurt by words and actions.
..... or rather: inactions.
(because: yes. Whether you agree with me or not... something I've learned is that taking offense and having your feelings hurt is a CHOICE.)

I got upset.
SUPER upset.
I wasn't in a good mindset: I wasn't balanced.
I let myself get caught in the moment.
I stopped trusting the bigger plan.
I had a moment of weakness.
I focused on the short-term why and what if.
I let my brain get stuck on, "this isn't fair! This isn't right!"
I lost my focus that THIS is not the ending. There is a bigger purpose!
When you lose that focus?
....  Things like this happen: you allow yourself (or rather I allowed MYSELF)
to be swept away in the heat of the moment.
I got extremely emotional and upset and mad and sad and frustrated.
I only saw the bad: how is it fair that having Lia is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but - as it stands now - it's also going to be one of the most difficult times?
I focused on that.
So what did I do?
I took it out on my poor phone.
I didn't want to hear what was coming out of the phone anymore so I slammed it down as hard as I possibly could. In all theories.... it SHOULD'VE shattered beyond recognition by the amount of force I used on it.
.... nope.

Because when I picked it up: guess what? it was still functioning and he was still on the other line.
I was so mad. And at this point all I had accomplished was now not being able to turn it off or hang up.
I don't even remember what was said at the end I was so beyond myself and upset.
So I pitched that phone down the stairs where it promptly met the concrete floor of the basement.
My phone cover shattered into approximately 48 plastic shards all over.
and I just stood at the top of the stairs feeling incredibly stupid.
I realized: all of my pictures. All of my videos of my kids are on there.....
Then I wanted to just sit and cry some more because I was so mad at myself.

But that's when I heard a sound.
I could see pieces of my phone laying on the ground in the dark basement.
And I couldn't put it together.... where was that sound coming from and what was it?
I slowly started to walk down the stairs and as I got closer I noticed that I was hearing music.
I kept going and bent down to pick up each of the plastic pieces of shattered phone cover before locating the "large" part of my phone.
When I picked it up I realized it was playing my positive hits playlist.
Here's the song that was playing over my shattered, broken phone....
I encourage you to hit play and close your eyes and just listen to this song in its entirety.
It isn't just for me or about me.
It's for everyone who might be going through something right now and you're feeling overwhelmed.
I hope it gives you the same feeling it gave me:



I broke down and sobbed on the steps clutching this broken phone that - no matter how hard it was thrown or how much it came up against.... how shattered it was on the outside...  it refused to quit.
Instead it reminded me of where I should be focused right now.
I sat there on the steps crying listening to this shattered, broken phone continue to play songs that spoke right to my heart.



I realized I want to be like my phone and I'm going to think of it whenever I feel like I can't take any more.
I'm going to remember that no matter how many times you get thrown, smashed, shattered, or broken: you can still find a reason to sing.
You can still find a reason to have hope.
You can find a way to praise Him in the storm.
...remembering that He's bigger  than anything you might possibly be going through right now.

I hope my $100 lesson helps you a little, too.
(It was $100 because of the cost to replace the phone!)
Remember: whatever you're going through right now.... you're not alone.
You are loved more than you can imagine.
You have a purpose.
What you're going through has a purpose.
This is just the middle of the book: it's not the ending.

Thanks for reading and letting me share my journey: weaknesses and all!
PS - Thank God.... my phone held a charge long enough for me to plug it in and miraculously I was able to download all of the pictures and videos off of it and transfer them to my external hard drive before it turned off.
If you'd like to see the last video I took before this all went down: here it is  <3 

Campfire & The Sleepwalker

I have to start off this post by saying how incredibly grateful I am. Even right now.
Because as you'll read later on...
I had a really, REALLY stupid moment today and it's a miracle I even was able to salvage all of my photos and now be able to share them here with you.

By the way: as I currently type this I am getting the royal treatment. Christopher is brushing my hair and making me "look like a beautiful princess" Ok. That also involves using some eyeshadow which he has chosen the lovely colors of green and purple and is putting all over my face / arms.... so perhaps it looks more like I fell down a flight of stairs!  But that's ok :)  It's dark, I'm not going anywhere, it's relaxing and I SO needed this little special treatment tonight.
Such sweet boys I have. Seriously.
FACT: I would pay somebody equally as much to brush and / or play with my hair as I would for a massage. Does anyone else love it that much?!

So yesterday (Saturday) my mom came over and I made my week 35 vlog / blog.
Then I got some stuff done that needed to be done in the house.
And after the boys got up from their naps it was time to plan out our schedule for the week and have a little outside time enjoying the unseasonably gorgeous weather here while enjoying the beautiful display of fall colors.  I was homesick for Florida yesterday something awful.... I mean nearly physically sick I was missing it so much!  Since I can't exactly just hop in my car and roadtrip down to the ocean I found the next best thing to a Florida beach: a Wisconsin lake!

Here's a little insight: I know someday I'll be moving back to Florida. I know for certain that I am here in Wisconsin for a reason, though, and I'm at peace with being here right now. (Ironic.... I spent my greater childhood just waiting to get the heck out of here and I've come full-circle! Perhaps I should stick it out for once and prosper where I'm planted so I can advance to Stage 2 finally!) The fellowship I've found and the new friends that have been brought into my life, Christopher's school, the doctor we have now.... I couldn't ask for more. But eventually (this is on my dream board!) I want to split my time between Wisconsin and Florida.... with traveling around to other places in between that, of course!


planning the week!

Anyways:
so as you guys know I work from home.
And part of this whole "single mom"  ... ugh. I hate that phrase. Because I'm not exactly "single". Re-term it... "SOLO PARENTING" experience I am having right now has taught me how to be more organized. Now I find myself absolutely loving my calendar on my phone and my daily agenda and all of the whiteboard lists I have around the house.  Each week I get to take an hour of time out and go plan our week.  Otherwise there's NO WAY I'd be able to accomplish work, house, meal planning, blogging, homeschooling, doctor appointments, outings, YMCA.... ummmm.... no. I would be a hot mess!  When I don't have a vision or a plan for my time: it flies out the window!
So I can't complain with the view I had yesterday as I planned our week.

I plopped my butt down onto a lovely patch of soft grass atop a small hill and watched the boys slide down it on their butts and then skip rocks and sticks into the water.
Boats were gliding across the water: pulling the remaining die-hard brave watersport souls across the lake on tubes and skis... blaring tunes.  One in particular made me laugh: 2 guys on tubes being flung around the water to THIS tune!
"Yeah baby she's got it.... I'm your venus.... I'm your FIRE!"

So that was pretty hilarious.  The boys wanted to call their dad.... because they missed him.
When he was in town we all drove out to the lake one night and he spent some time with them skipping sticks and rocks into the water and it reminded them of that evening.
They miss him,

I was peaceful sitting there listening to the waves crash against shore and hearing the boys laugh and play.
Lia was rolling around and kicking me with her little elbows and knees and it made me smile knowing to soak it all up since I won't be feeling any of that in a couple of months!
Then we decided to drive around the lake a little and pick up sticks because the boys really wanted to have a campfire.
(PS - Ryan got FULL of red dirt ... you know... the kind that stains everything? So we had to strip him down and put him in the car and he ended up wearing one of his shirts like a tunic before getting him home to plop him straight into the tub before heading to the grocery store for a late-night s'more run!)

They love the local store here because they have the mini-carts and they get to push them for me.
It's so weird. I remember being little and getting to push the mini carts and feeling oh-so-grown-up!
Then we got back home and we crumpled up some old magazines for fire starters and loaded them into the outdoor chimenea; putting the sticks we'd gathered on top. It only took lighting the paper and ...
VOILA!
Fire!

It was a pretty proud moment. We sat out in lawn chairs around the fire, roasted marshmallows, made s'mores, looked at the stars, then watched videos on my phone about how stars are made (Christopher is very interested in it!) Then Ryan fell sound asleep in the chair and Christopher and I sat out in chairs for 30 minutes watching the coals die down.
Reminded me of living out in Missouri when we would sit around the campfire in the yard....
Made me realize you don't have to be in the middle of nowhere to enjoy the little things like that.
You can be in the middle of the city and it'll still be peace and quiet.

then we went into the house and as I was taking my contacts out in the bathroom Ryan stumbled in mumbling incoherently. Then I watched as he (with both eyes closed) lifted each leg over the side of the tub before sitting cross-legged in there. He was sleepwalking!  I took a video. It was adorable. I took a short video clip of it.

Anyways: about the phone.
So I had a bad moment. I let myself get stressed out an offended and hurt by some stupid words that somebody said.
So what did I do?
.... well. Let's say the phone went sailing.
But you won't even believe what happened afterwards.
It taught me a huge lesson!
I'll do a different blog on that....

Thanks for reading

35 Weeks Pregnant with Baby #3

Here: let's do a little fun comparison...

here was me at 33 weeks with Christopher, 33 and then 35 weeks with Ryan :) 

(FYI: Christopher was 10 lbs 3 oz at birth and Ryan was 10 days early and 8 lbs 6 oz.... so had he gone full term he would've been very near 10 lbs, too!)

I, personally, do not feel as large as I did with either of the boys! 

I feel much more like how I was at 31 weeks with them. 

Maybe that's because I've been swimming this pregnancy and just feel better in general (not as sore and more energy!) or HOPEFULLY it's an indicator that the little princess is going to be a wee bit smaller in size than those big brothers of hers. 

PREGNANCY STATS:

- weight gain: approximately 15 lbs 

- she is head down and moves A LOT!

- Lia is very scheduled. She moves at certain times. Sleeps at specific times. I feel she is a peaceful baby with a mellow yet adamant spirit. I don't think it's going to be ANYTHING like what I experienced with the boys. She wakes at 4, 7, and 10 pm. Then from around 11:30 / midnight until 7:30 / 8:00 a.m. she is..... sleeping. 

- cravings: none

- cold: FINALLY completely gone

- still swimming (well...who am I kidding....still FLOATING!)  Next week I have us booked for 6 days of swimming. I want to be ready for labor / delivery!

- started drinking my delicious third trimester / labor prep tea and started Evening Primrose Oil regimen more on that here

- NESTED. Got baby's stuff all ready and the complete last of things was ordered for her. 

(batteries for swing, bottles washed and ready, still need to completely pack / re-pack labor bag, though)

I have also started doing some "birth affirmations".  Sounds corny, I know. 

But seriously: when I was pregnant with Christopher and during the labor / delivery I learned a lot about myself. I learned to trust my body instinctively. Prior to this week I tried to take 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes before bed to just silently lay there and think about little baby. Now I'm actively visualizing everything and a good labor. I REALLY want her to come out in a state of peace. I do not want a repeat colic baby like with  Ryan. Kid cried every waking moment and was in a baby carrier between 16 and 22 hours PER DAY for his first 3 months of life. The doctors actually kicked me out of the ER because he had such extreme colic but there was nothing medically wrong and nothing they could do for me. Yep.  So: I want a peaceful baby and I want to do everything I possibly can to ensure I get one :) 

Anyways. 

I also really want to do this labor / delivery naturally. 

I just think: why not.

I mean: I won't kick myself if I end up with an epidural or something comes up.

I just really feel I want to try out this whole self-affirming hypno thing I'm trying out. 

Harnessing the inner warrior goddess of untapped potential. 

Ok - not that extreme. But: you get it ;) 

I just had such a beautiful experience when Christopher came out and it's a memory I'll remember forever and ever and ever just absolutely imprinted on my heart.

With Ryan? Yeah. I didn't have that. 

And I want it again.

Anyhow. Off to bed for me and the munchkin.

Tomorrow's plans: working online on my site and getting everything set up so after I have her I can easily transition back into working from home with the right foundation.

Then you all can follow my post-baby body journey! (or whatever you want to call it!)

Thanks for reading and following along my journey. 

You might also be interested in:

-- Name Reveal

-- 34 weeks (baby #2)

-- 35 weeks (baby #1) Oh my gosh.... I can't believe how different I am now!  I was so ....shy back then! PS - DO NOT USE THAT LAUNDRY DETERGENT FROM MY VIDEO! AGHHH!!!

.....how little I knew then.  WWW.NONTOXICDIVA.COM 

Feel free to subscribe to my YouTube channel if you'd like!

It's where I put out new videos, random life moments, updates.... etc. 

Pretty much anything going on and then I organize them into playlists.

Been vloggin' since 2009! Can't believe how much things have changed since then....

Baby #3 : Name Reveal

                                                                                                   



























So I am SO excited to be able to post this blog...... I have been waiting anxiously!
We had LOTS of guesses on facebook as to what her name would be and I was really shocked at how many people absolutely nailed it and guessed the first / middle name that I would've put together!
I think - from what I can see, though: we only had ONE PERSON who actually guessed the correct first and middle name.  And I'm going to send her a little prize from my wellness blog (www.NonToxicDiva.com) Just some fun stuff to try out! 

Anyways:  I suppose if you're new here or visiting my blog for the first time: hi there and welcome!
This should bring you up to speed:
1.)  My name is Sara and I have 2 boys and 1 little girl on the way!
2.)  If you're curious as to why I'm currently a "single mom" then you're going to have to check out the featured blogs here and here.  They should bring you up to speed.
Yes it's incredibly hard doing things alone and I wish more than anything that we had our family together right now.... but sometimes life doesn't always go according to plan. So you can either sit there and complain about it OR you can figure out how to adjust.  I chose to adjust. 
I can't hide the fact that it would be so amazing to have my husband and have him here.... but that's just not where we're at right now!  So I enjoy my days and feel very blessed that I have 2 little munchkins that keep me very occupied (and laughing!)  We're getting VERY close to the end. Everything for baby girl is bought and put away.  Her clothes are washed.  The bags are packed and ready to go.  Let's say I'm "prepared" for her (just in case she decides to come early!) but I'm DEFINITELY not "ready" yet.  I haven't hit that point where I say, "Ok. I'm serving you an eviction notice little lady!"  
I have been so, so, SO blessed with a very easy pregnancy. 

AND NOW 
      for the moment you've -- perhaps -- been waiting for: 
THE MUCH ANTICIPATED.....
       NAME REVEAL VIDEO!!!

Thanks for watching!
You may also like the blog post:
Baby #3 "Fun" Facts and How The Name was Picked

You can leave a comment below,
subscribe on YouTube
or connect on Instagram!
thank you all for the love --- so excited to be able to share our family's journey with you and
can't wait to introduce little Miss Lia Victoria in just a few short weeks!

Christopher's First Day of School + 33 Weeks Baby #3

Time is certainly flying by!
Had my first official "craving: crepes.  I had them 2 days in a row!
Friday was Christopher's first day at school  :)  
Well.... first day of actually GOING to school anyways!
We do school a little UN-traditionally (sort've like everything else in our life!)
We started homeschooling in summertime but now there is this really great program in the area
where he is able to technically be enrolled in the public school system and then he attends school 1x / week with other kids who are enrolled in the same program.  On school days they cover electives and do things like: play, music, gym class, lunch, recess, art, library time.  It's pretty awesome!
I know this isn't the explanatory post as to why I decided to do it this way... so I'll give you a recap:
1.) Christopher STILL takes naps during the day and NEEDS to rest.  I think school isn't designed around the needs of the child or the family.... but involves convenience and it goes against our natural biological clocks!
2.)  School simply isn't for everyone. Each child learns differently. Christopher is one of those kids.  He's very social and outgoing; a truly unique personality that I know would be squashed out in traditional school.
Anyways.  That and the fact that we like to travel and have freedom.... and going to school everyday.... getting up at 7 and getting home at 4.... that just didn't feel very free.

So onto his first day of school: I was / am 33 weeks 
I woke up early to bake him some zucchini bread.
He woke up at 6:22 A.M.!!!!  Can you tell that somebody was a little excited?! 
Then Ryan woke up, too and was giving Christopher "fashion advice" for his first day of school and how to look "cool" so other kids would play with him (I was sitting in the other room just laughing as I was listening to them!)
He eventually settled on a button down shirt and a red sweatshirt over the top and some jeans.  He also wore his neon green + blue tennis shoes.
In his backpack he wanted to take his pencil box and crayons.  And I believe Ryan also shoved a carrot in there for his snack time ;)
Then we went outside to scramble out some "first day of school pictures"! and piled into the car.
He was excited to make friends and see his teacher.
We walked in and he introduced himself to everyone he met in the hallway: "Hi!  My name is Christopher and I'm five. What's your name?"  and the one woman told him and then he stuck out his hand to shake hers and said, "It's nice to meet you!"  and then she walked him to the classroom.
It was pretty adorable!

This kid is going to be the one that's like. "Yeah whatever mom. See ya later!" When / If he goes to college someday. He's TOTALLY like me!  He just walks into the room.  Didn't even say goodbye just started talking to the teacher and the kids and then playing with a vacuum they had in the toy area.
Ryan was NOT impressed to leave brother behind. 
I think he thought we were just going to take him and then we would all stay for a little bit and then go home. So if you notice his face in the picture below: he was NOT impressed with how things ACTUALLY went down. (i.e. we left Christopher there)
His words were, "I am MAD.  I miss my brudder AWREADY!"
and he insisted that he was NOT going to have fun at the adventure center (the place he goes to in the YMCA while I swim) and he was just going to sit in the corner and not talk to anyone!

Ryan and I had a very .... quiet.... relaxed afternoon.  Odd doesn't even begin to describe it!
I made dinner in advance so that day I could just come home and lounge with the boys because I figured Christopher would be pretty tuckered out. 

We went back to pick him up and Ryan let go of my hand and took off at a full run: pushing past everyone to get into the room.  I called after him, "Ryan - come here!"  and he responded with, "I need to go get my brudder!!!!!"  
I was able to follow shortly behind and I found Ryan in the classroom standing proudly next to Christopher with this HUGE grin on his face.  When I walked up to them Ryan says to me, "I found brudder. I'm happy now!"  -----> *heart melt*  awww!!!

His teacher and a couple other administrators / program directors all said he was VERY helpful and did well on his first day. He liked music class very much and was one of the loudest singers.  For his "theme week" (each kiddo gets to pick a theme for one week out of the school year) Christopher chose "trains".   
 One of the other things I heard (which I hear alot) was, "Wow. He's not shy AT ALL, is he?" ..... nope. He sure isn't!  9 months old and he would put his arms up in the air in the "pick-me-up" baby sign language: only he would do it do complete strangers in the store!  There were plenty of times where I would just turn around and he would be following somebody else or another family around the store.  The doctor's assessment of, "Don't worry.  This will pass.  He'll get stranger anxiety just like every other kid" did NOT come to pass. Ever.








Anyways: needless to say his first day was a big success. 
However, I know there's NO WAY he could do it everyday! Oh my goodness!  
He was tired out.  We called everyone and he wanted ME to tell them about his first day instead because he was tired and he "had a sickness: allergies".  
He was VERY excited that his dad called to ask him about his first day.  
The day before he had been pretty upset that Rob wasn't going to be there to see him go to school.  That was a little prick to the heart. 
So Friday evening was spent just lounging around the house :) 
Hope you enjoy the pictures below!
ps - when Ryan and I came back to the house there was a package sitting on the doorstep and inside was the adorable rattle and onesie that you see pictured below! AW! 

Christopher: VERY Excited!
"My first day of school!!!"

Ryan: NOT so excited
"I am MAD.  I miss my brudder awready!"

The ADORABLE rattle and octopus onesie that was waiting on the doorstep!

32 WEEKS with Baby #3

Today marks the 32 week mark.
And it's official: time is flying.
Just for fun I went back and read my blogs from my pregnancies with the boys. It's neat to compare and see just how much life has changed since then!

In case you didn't see: it's been a couple days since I had the little preterm labor experience.
(normal for me:  I had it with BOTH of the boys at the 30-32 week mark.  Apparently that's just when my cranky uterus wants to kick baby out!)

I did some hippie things, though (If you want to read the blog on it: CLICK HERE ) and it worked!
I even wrote in there how I was pretty sure I felt her move or flip....
Well yesterday at my appointment my doctor confirmed: she's transverse!
Transverse = laying sideways.

At my 28 week appointment my doctor had noted that she had turned head down and her head was pretty low already (which she was surprised about).  More than likely her position was what could've had alot to do with the labor stuff!  It's also a good thing she flipped when she did.  My doctor said that's most likely what led the contractions to stop.  So for now: I'm completely ok with her not being in the head-down position.  Baby girl has a couple weeks to go before that becomes a concern anyways!

I also found out some sketchy details about just how serious the complications were with my waterbirth delivery of Christopher.  Things I'd only heard about for the first time and - up until this point - had NO IDEA about!  But it'd be too much to type so if you're curious you can check out the video I made last night.  And excuse my random ramblings about taco salad: it's just that I was heavily disappointed by what I received.






  I don't know. Maybe it's just me: would YOU consider that a taco salad?
 I'd love to know.... leave a comment below with YOUR opinions on taco salad! 

Today I dragged my butt to the pool.  I REALLY didn't feel like going. I was tired.
Excuses. Excuses. ;) But I went!  So that was nice.
Felt HUGE today. Ugh. I'm at that point where I'm starting to get uncomfortable just because my belly is big and it pushes everything up and down at the same time. Sitting in the car... ugh.
haha ---> you can tell my attitude this morning was NOT so pleasant! Once I actually get in the pool, though it's a different story.
Glad I did because I ran into somebody I know and we got to chat.
I also got to meet somebody new because I noticed she had Honest Co. Shampoo!
(I thought it was mine for a second and I had to say "hi" because I've never met anyone else around here that uses Honest Co. products!)
PS - if you're curious about what those are / why I use them.... check out my OTHER blog! (dedicated to health, wellness, fun finds.... all that good stuff!) 
-----> www.NonToxicDiva.com
turns out she works at the Y and teaches a couple of classes!  It's nice meeting new people with similar interests!

Had a bit of a hormonal meltdown this afternoon. Randomly!
(Ok. It wasn't exactly random. I'm 32 weeks pregnant, my hormones are going crazy, and I'm all on my own.)
I went into the kitchen to do the dishes and I saw the picture of Rob holding 6-month-old Ryan on the fridge and I just burst into tears.  It really made me sad. It makes me sad because I miss him. And because he's not here. And it makes me sad because you can't make somebody want to be with you or care for you.  It makes me sad because I can't imagine how he felt / feels: thinking that I left because I didn't love him.  Which wasn't the case.
I had to leave.
I made the right decision.
But somehow knowing that doesn't necessarily make any of this easier.
It was his birthday 2 days ago and all I wanted to do was be there to make him chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, decorate the house, give him a huge kiss when he woke up in the morning, have the boys give him presents that they attempted to wrap themselves, & make up for all of the birthdays that he never got anything.
Not a party.
Not a call.
Not a card.
Yes he's a few states away... so being there (especially now) wasn't practical. But even just to be able to call him and tell him, "Hey: happy birthday!  I love you SO MUCH!"  ..... but none of that happened.
I forced myself not to call.
I didn't send anything.
I didn't do anything that a wife could and should do.... because I'm not a wife.
Not because I don't want to be one: but because I have to respect his wishes.... and it's been very clear that he does not want me as a wife. In actuality; I feel like he doesn't know what he wants in life at all.  And until he figures that out for himself; there's nothing I can say or do. Letting go at first was hard.  I felt desperate and helpless; but I got to a place where it was just.... freeing.
It's freeing to know that I am not responsible for him or his actions.
To get to a place where you just "Let Go and Let God" is an amazing feeling.... just knowing in my heart that He is taking care of me... is all the comfort I need.
The comfort that took me YEARS to find. Don't get me wrong:
It was SO difficult to respect his wishes (and myself) enough to just.... step back.
But at the same time. It was a good feeling.

So, today after I looked at that picture and his smiling face: I let myself cry it out for about 5 minutes and then I reached for my positive playlist.
Ironically the first song that came on was this one:
It really just reminds me that even though I don't know why this is happening right now; it's not going to be wasted.

I hope you know that whatever YOU'RE going through right now:
It has a purpose.
Even though you may not understand how or why (and you may NEVER understand)
just know that it's part of a bigger plan.

31 Weeks Pregnant : Baby Number 3

I cannot believe I am 31 weeks pregnant.

Seems like just last week I was finding out on my trip to Orlando in the bathroom of a Wawa gas station! (Don't ask me why. ... gas stations seem to be a popular place for me to pee on a stick! I found out with Christopher in the bathroom of kwik trip).

I do have the live footage of me finding out immediately and my reaction.
If I get enough comments / interest maybe I'll post it! ;) ..... you can DEFINITELY tell it's raw footage and I was. .... a LITTLE SHOCKED to say the least!

Things to do yet:
- find a rock-n-play that I like
- install carseat
- prepare labor bag / diaper bag
... its weird not having a nursery to decorate. But I'm ok with it for now!  Since I nursed for a couple months neither of the boys slept in their rooms for the first couple of months anyways.
I will be SUPER excited to finally get into a place and decorate a room for her,  though!

CRAVINGS: ...none. (still can't stand lettuce or spinach, though. So weird)
COMPLAINTS: a little tired & extra hormonal. ... but that's it.
She moves like crazy, though!
I've never experienced anything like it.

I think she is going to be very scheduled yet mellow baby. Since 20 weeks her sleeping / waking has been extremely regimented. At night she moves around 4 pm, 7 pm, and 10 pm. Then from midnight to 8 a.m. all is quiet! Hence the reason I get 6-8 hrs of sleep at night still (no - I don't wake to pee!)  I would be ok if this continued ;) after the last two this momma could stand a break!

(Fun fact: I actually got kicked out of the doctor with Ryan and they told me there was nothing they could do: that I would just have to wait it out because medically he was fine! It was just the worst case of colic they'd ever seen. Yeah.... I don't talk about that period much. It was INTENSE!)

Hope Y'ALL are enjoying the beginning of fall ;)
(I can say that now since I officially lived in the south for 4 years)

Would love to connect with you! 

You can find my facebook page OR click this link

Instagram: @evolvesara

Exciting Pregnancy Update - Baby Number Three

Thanks for watching! 

If you would like to subscribe to my personal YouTube channel you can do that by clicking HERE 

Baby #3 is due Halloween 2014 and I'm SO excited!

If you'd like to watch the Gender Reveal video & Home Footage from Rob's Visit CLICK HERE

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support my family has received.  It has not only been encouraging but very much appreciated more than I will ever be able to express to you.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR STORY OR WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT FOR THOSE WITH PTSD you can submit it via the contact form as well.  I am collecting stories and words of advice to put into my book. 

THANK YOU!

19 Weeks Pregnant - Ultrasound & Update

The days leading up to yesterday were filled with anticipation and sleepless nights as I anxiously awaited the arrival of my anatomy scan yesterday morning (the halfway ultrasound where you usually get a peek at the gender!) 

 I had a hard time falling asleep as my brain zinged around picturing how my baby might look..... is baby a he or a she?  What boys names do I (we) like? 
 What girls names?  

I woke up Wednesday morning after having a very vivid dream that baby is a boy.

I imagined the look on the boys' faces if they find out that their long-awaited "little sister" (they'd been praying for over a year) is actually a brother!  In fact, when I brought the statistical 50/50 chance to their attention, they both somberly retreated to their room; after which they came out approximately 15 minutes later and had very obviously hatched a genius plan if this were the case.  The boys came out of their room with linked arms - joined forces - to let me know of their genius plan.  If the baby was a brother then what we could (very sensibly) do was sell him to buy a small white puppy (so our dog, Charley, could have a dog friend) and then we could go to the grocery store and simpy order a sister!

 ..... that made me giggle.

 You can't argue with the logic of small children. 

As I sat in the waiting room for my appointment, my excitement started to mix with a twinge of another emotion.  I looked around at all of the couples sitting with each other with giddy smiles on their faces. The man protectively placing a hand on his pregnant loved one's back to gently guide her along and holding the doors open for her.  The look on the young couple's faces as they sat gleaming at the ultrasound pictures of their baby.  I felt slightly envious.  A little sad even.  This is definitely not something I ever envisioned going through.... again.  And certainly not with the person that I love. 

I know that I made the right decision -- for all of us -- he had relapsed with the PTSD and needed to continue to get help.... and until then it simply wasn't a healthy environment for the boys or I. But somehow knowing it was the right decision doesn't necessarily make it easier or change the fact ....I'm still alone now.  It's at times when I feel sad like that, I have to consciously turn my thinking towards the positives otherwise I am sure I would be sucked into a funk! (Like I said: this healing is a CONSCIOUS EFFORT!  Surrounding myself with positive people, listening to only positive music, processing my emotions)  And I couldn't stay sad long yesterday:  I was far too excited to see that beautiful, precious, healthy little baby squirming around: it is such an overhwelming emotion of awe to see that little life on the black and white screen. (and did I mention that I am pretty sure I know the gender!?!  YAY! Stay tuned for the gender reveal!)

I found out that baby is COMPLETELY healthy! 

He / she is measuring ahead of schedule for growth & weight  and is estimated at just under 1 lb already! No surprise there considering the size of the big brothers!  It's hard to believe that this pregnancy is already halfway over with already.... I cannot believe how quickly it is flying by.  I am certain that the rest of it will continue to do so and I intend to savor every little moment   :) 

When baby starts squirming around I just lay there and feel him / her moving.  It's so beatiful.

It's also a little bittersweet sometimes: for so long my husband and I  had talked about having another baby:  and now that we are?  Well.... just goes to show you that even the best laid plans can change.

  My heart does grieve for the moments he's missing (with the boys and this baby) but I am working on coming to terms with the fact that you cannot make yourself responsible for another's actions or happiness. 

Right now - today - I feel angry.  I'm angry that instead of getting help for the relapse with the PTSD; he has seemingly succumbed to the belief that the PTSD is just "who he is".... far from the truth.  I'm frustrated.  Mainly because no matter what: you can't make somebody want to work on things.  You can't make them get help.  You can't make them care about you.  You can't make them want to be with you or their family.  You can't make them do anything.

I guess it just puts it into perspective that there are things we simply cannot control.  The only thing I can control at this point is what I, personally, decide to do with the cards I've been dealt.

And I choose to continue to love and hope: for our family and for his healing.

The part that gets to me the most are the innocent victims of the PTSD: the children.  They're the innocent bystanders caught up in the explosion. I have been doing emotionally o.k. since posting my first blogs and focusing on my own healing (which - as I said - takes WORK and FOCUS!)  but today was a rough day.  A day when I just let the emotions come and dealt with them as they showed up because I know the price of keeping them stuffed down!

I cried in the car on the way back from baby shopping because I knew I wasn't coming home to share in the excitement of adorable outfits for our baby with my husband.

I cried because today I could really use a loving hug and a back massage.... I remember him talking to my pregnant belly with Ryan.

I cried because when the pregnancy update came up on my phone's app it said on the bottom to continue to get love, hugs, kisses, and encouragement from my partner.  It just got to me: all of the recommended things to do with my significant other this week to prepare for our baby...

 -------> The writers of these apps obviously don't take into account the single mothers out there.

I just sat there at the red light with tears streaming down my face; acutely aware of the passengers in other vehicles just staring at me as we were stopped.... and I was ok with it.  I'm not going to have it together every single second of every single day.  Some days are going to be rougher than others.

(I'm sure the surging of pregnancy hormones certainly don't help the Niagara Falls coming from my eye sockets!) 

But at the end of the day: I have SO much to be grateful for. 

I am grateful that I have my beautiful kids with me everyday and I get to enjoy every precious moment with them.  I cannot imagine one day looking back and realizing that I willingly missed out.

I am grateful for my faith: because right now... without it?  I would be nothing.  My faith gives me hope and it's what keeps me going when all I really want to do is crumble up into a ball.  I can honestly say that without the hope I have in my heart I wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning.

I am grateful for my healthy baby.

I am grateful for the strength I am finding.

I am grateful for the support and knowing that I am not alone.

I know I will continue to have days that are tougher and I intend to be prepared for them: it's the best thing I can do.  Have a Game Plan.  I know that my own personal healing is a process and as the days go by there's going to be things I deal with that haven't come up yet.

So I relaxed today.  Listened to my positive songs playlist.  I napped when the boys napped.  I just "felt it out" and let the emotions come.