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The $100 Lesson That My Phone Taught Me

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As most of you (hopefully) have already figured out: I've been "solo parenting" for nearly a year now.... by choice.
Unfortunately the hardest one I've ever had to make.
I hate the term "single mom" because I'm not technically single.  I just dislike it.

LINKS: Why I Walked Away   and    Monster in my Marriage
(you will be taken to the NEW ProjectEvolveLife Blog!)

If you haven't been to the blog before or you want a little insight as to WHY I Walked Away:
those two posts might be helpful.
And before you start reading: it's not because I hate my husband or because he's some terrible person.
Quite the opposite, in fact. Which is why it was incredibly hard.
I love that man and we miss him every single day.... more than he can ever imagine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday was a rough day.
It's been a little bit more of an emotional roller coaster the past month and it's definitely been a fight to stay grounded, focused, and positive. It honestly takes time during the day where I have to simply focus on staying in the right mindset otherwise I could easily get swept away by the feelings and emotions that I'm having. (Some of which I am quite sure are due to surging hormones!)
I have to remember that I'm not ALWAYS going to have a belly that gets uncomfortably in the way of doing dishes: so instead of complaining.... just sit down and enjoy it because in a few weeks that little bump housing my princess will be gone and I'll miss it.
Instead of focusing on not having somebody there to cuddle up next to I have to think of how grateful I am that I can be 9 months pregnant (nearly) and able to sprawl out and take up the ENTIRE bed.
See what I mean? I've literally had to shift my thinking.

Things have not been easy: far from it!
But I've taken comfort in the fact that no pain is wasted.
Every tear that's fallen has a purpose and is going to be put to use.
Right now it's like I'm smack-dab in the middle of the book... the anxious chapters where all of the drama happens with plot highs (and lows). Reminding myself of that daily is crucial.
This is NOT the ending.... even though some days I question it and it certainly feels like it.
Some days I honestly just want to sit, quit, and fold my cards because I don't know how in the world I can take one more day of it. I think to myself,
"Oh how much easier to just call it quits. Give up. Move away. Nothing I'm doing is making a difference anyways"
But that's just stupidity (and being human!) Nothing goes away simply because you ignore it.

So yesterday:
was one of those low plot-points in this story.
(when I finally have that book written.... I'll put more in there. This blog: this is just a little window.  A sneak peek into what's going on.  A way to make sure I never get buried again in feeling like I have to hide what's going on in my life or be ashamed of the struggles I've been going through!)
I was frustrated at a phone call.
I let myself get offended and I let my feelings be hurt by words and actions.
..... or rather: inactions.
(because: yes. Whether you agree with me or not... something I've learned is that taking offense and having your feelings hurt is a CHOICE.)

I got upset.
SUPER upset.
I wasn't in a good mindset: I wasn't balanced.
I let myself get caught in the moment.
I stopped trusting the bigger plan.
I had a moment of weakness.
I focused on the short-term why and what if.
I let my brain get stuck on, "this isn't fair! This isn't right!"
I lost my focus that THIS is not the ending. There is a bigger purpose!
When you lose that focus?
....  Things like this happen: you allow yourself (or rather I allowed MYSELF)
to be swept away in the heat of the moment.
I got extremely emotional and upset and mad and sad and frustrated.
I only saw the bad: how is it fair that having Lia is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but - as it stands now - it's also going to be one of the most difficult times?
I focused on that.
So what did I do?
I took it out on my poor phone.
I didn't want to hear what was coming out of the phone anymore so I slammed it down as hard as I possibly could. In all theories.... it SHOULD'VE shattered beyond recognition by the amount of force I used on it.
.... nope.

Because when I picked it up: guess what? it was still functioning and he was still on the other line.
I was so mad. And at this point all I had accomplished was now not being able to turn it off or hang up.
I don't even remember what was said at the end I was so beyond myself and upset.
So I pitched that phone down the stairs where it promptly met the concrete floor of the basement.
My phone cover shattered into approximately 48 plastic shards all over.
and I just stood at the top of the stairs feeling incredibly stupid.
I realized: all of my pictures. All of my videos of my kids are on there.....
Then I wanted to just sit and cry some more because I was so mad at myself.

But that's when I heard a sound.
I could see pieces of my phone laying on the ground in the dark basement.
And I couldn't put it together.... where was that sound coming from and what was it?
I slowly started to walk down the stairs and as I got closer I noticed that I was hearing music.
I kept going and bent down to pick up each of the plastic pieces of shattered phone cover before locating the "large" part of my phone.
When I picked it up I realized it was playing my positive hits playlist.
Here's the song that was playing over my shattered, broken phone....
I encourage you to hit play and close your eyes and just listen to this song in its entirety.
It isn't just for me or about me.
It's for everyone who might be going through something right now and you're feeling overwhelmed.
I hope it gives you the same feeling it gave me:



I broke down and sobbed on the steps clutching this broken phone that - no matter how hard it was thrown or how much it came up against.... how shattered it was on the outside...  it refused to quit.
Instead it reminded me of where I should be focused right now.
I sat there on the steps crying listening to this shattered, broken phone continue to play songs that spoke right to my heart.



I realized I want to be like my phone and I'm going to think of it whenever I feel like I can't take any more.
I'm going to remember that no matter how many times you get thrown, smashed, shattered, or broken: you can still find a reason to sing.
You can still find a reason to have hope.
You can find a way to praise Him in the storm.
...remembering that He's bigger  than anything you might possibly be going through right now.

I hope my $100 lesson helps you a little, too.
(It was $100 because of the cost to replace the phone!)
Remember: whatever you're going through right now.... you're not alone.
You are loved more than you can imagine.
You have a purpose.
What you're going through has a purpose.
This is just the middle of the book: it's not the ending.

Thanks for reading and letting me share my journey: weaknesses and all!
PS - Thank God.... my phone held a charge long enough for me to plug it in and miraculously I was able to download all of the pictures and videos off of it and transfer them to my external hard drive before it turned off.
If you'd like to see the last video I took before this all went down: here it is  <3 

Baby #3 : Name Reveal

                                                                                                   



























So I am SO excited to be able to post this blog...... I have been waiting anxiously!
We had LOTS of guesses on facebook as to what her name would be and I was really shocked at how many people absolutely nailed it and guessed the first / middle name that I would've put together!
I think - from what I can see, though: we only had ONE PERSON who actually guessed the correct first and middle name.  And I'm going to send her a little prize from my wellness blog (www.NonToxicDiva.com) Just some fun stuff to try out! 

Anyways:  I suppose if you're new here or visiting my blog for the first time: hi there and welcome!
This should bring you up to speed:
1.)  My name is Sara and I have 2 boys and 1 little girl on the way!
2.)  If you're curious as to why I'm currently a "single mom" then you're going to have to check out the featured blogs here and here.  They should bring you up to speed.
Yes it's incredibly hard doing things alone and I wish more than anything that we had our family together right now.... but sometimes life doesn't always go according to plan. So you can either sit there and complain about it OR you can figure out how to adjust.  I chose to adjust. 
I can't hide the fact that it would be so amazing to have my husband and have him here.... but that's just not where we're at right now!  So I enjoy my days and feel very blessed that I have 2 little munchkins that keep me very occupied (and laughing!)  We're getting VERY close to the end. Everything for baby girl is bought and put away.  Her clothes are washed.  The bags are packed and ready to go.  Let's say I'm "prepared" for her (just in case she decides to come early!) but I'm DEFINITELY not "ready" yet.  I haven't hit that point where I say, "Ok. I'm serving you an eviction notice little lady!"  
I have been so, so, SO blessed with a very easy pregnancy. 

AND NOW 
      for the moment you've -- perhaps -- been waiting for: 
THE MUCH ANTICIPATED.....
       NAME REVEAL VIDEO!!!

Thanks for watching!
You may also like the blog post:
Baby #3 "Fun" Facts and How The Name was Picked

You can leave a comment below,
subscribe on YouTube
or connect on Instagram!
thank you all for the love --- so excited to be able to share our family's journey with you and
can't wait to introduce little Miss Lia Victoria in just a few short weeks!

Baby #3 : "Fun" Facts & How The Name Was Picked

In case you haven't already seen it:
you'll want to check out the last blog (click here) to watch the name reveal video.
But THIS blog is specifically for some interesting facts you might not know about Baby #3 (how she came to be) and HOW her name was picked out!

It's a pretty cute story. Obviously we were NOT trying for a baby.... um. No.
I had JUST moved into my house up here in WI and he was / is still in MO and planning to get out of the military.
I mean: honestly it was the WORST possible timing ever for a baby.
Did I mention the fact that we were / are separated? Yeah. So this pregnancy was obviously not planned.
I know: if you're new to the blog here I probably just dropped a total bombshell on you. So you'll probably want to backtrack and go read my featured blogs: Why I Walked Away and The Monster in my Marriage so you have some background info here!  Let's just say: I didn't leave because I wanted to or because I hate my husband. None of that.  I love that man and I want nothing more than to have our family!  But... unfortunately... anyways. Just read the blogs!

I never thought I would have kids.  I always saw other people's kids and it completely grossed me out.
All snot-nosed and crusty.  Just the thought of having to be responsible for another life was completely repulsive to my sort've self-ish nature (at the time). How would I ever be able to have a successful career if I was stuck at home wiping butts all day?  I mean SERIOUSLY!  And why in the world would I ever WANT to knowingly put myself through 9 months of (what I perceived as) torturous weight-gain, stretch marks, and physical pain?
No.  I was positive that I would never have kids.  Just the thought of pregnant bellies made me want to pass out because I have this very odd phobia of bellybuttons and.... ew.  When they stick out.  Yuck. I did NOT want to ever be pregnant. I thought maybe someday I would adopt. Maybe.

Well: HA HA HA.  Obviously there were other plans in store for my life.
 (And boy -- am I HAPPY about that!)
But seriously.... how things changed.
And how I finally knew the feeling of actually WANTING to have kids with somebody.
I remember when we were living at our house out in the country: a huge wooden house on 48 acres of land... completely surrounded by nothing. I remember washing dishes and looking out the window and there was my husband standing there on the patio.  And: I can't explain it but in that moment I saw him and just felt OVERWHELMED with this incredible amount of love that made my heart want to burst.  In that moment I KNEW what it felt like to actually want to have kids with someone!  I remember dropping the dishrag and just running out the back door to him and giving him a huge hug. (This was around the time he had gotten back from PTSD treatment. A time when we honestly had nearly 4 months of.... well... it was just amazing.  It's what our marriage COULD be. And it's also a reminder that you need to constantly work at it.  If I could go back: I would sell everything we had to make sure he continued to get counseling and help)
 Anyways: we already had Christopher and Ryan and up until then I never knew if I wanted more kids: but in that moment I was sure. And I just saw him.  I saw him with a little girl. I could completely picture it.
 I don't know how to describe this but sometimes I have little flashforwards. Is that what you'd call them?  Because they're not flashBACKS. But I just: I see things sometimes!  (hopefully that doesn't sound TOO weird! It's not all Sixth Sense, "I See Dead People" kind of thing" ....)

Anyways. He sort've laughed at me a little.  We had talked about it back and forth before - JOKINGLY - but it just wasn't the right time.  We had already started hearing the boys in their little rooms at night praying for a sister.  I stood outside the door one night and went to get Rob (my husband) out of the living room so he could listen, too.  Little 3.5 year old Christopher and 1.5 year old Ryan were in their room talking to each other about daddy going to "find" a sister (they thought every time he went out into the woods that he was going to look for one).  And there was Christopher... just praying away for a little sister so they could play with her and brush her hair.

Christopher prayed for a whole year. There was even one point where I was praying, too.  I thought.... well.  Anyways. Sounds ridiculous. So I won't type it. I'll share later. Maybe in my book. Too much to write here!  Anyways. It didn't happen.

I cried and cried. And I cried some more.
I couldn't see how they would ever have a little sister after I left and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That stung.

And then: well.
It's sort've weird.
So as you know Rob was down in Missouri yet.
I moved up here: I went down in January to get all of my stuff out of our home in Missouri. 
(Worst and hardest things I have EVER had to do. In my life. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up and cry all at the same time). Anyways: I was up here and he was stressed and sad and upset and hurt. 
And I don't blame him. He couldn't understand why I left. I couldn't help him. I needed time to just heal myself.
 Then to make it worse he found out that one of his favorite Uncles had passed away.  It was a complete shock. He had (seemingly) been in perfect health: he had 3 young boys (9,7, and 5).  
And boom: he had a heart attack. 
So the only reason he (Rob) came up here was for his uncle's funeral.
(At this point I was so stressed. SO unimaginably stressed.  I wanted my husband and marriage more than anything in the world but for whatever inexplicable reason I KNEW I had to stay put and that I had made the right decision. Try explaining THAT one to your spouse and expect them to just say, "ok") 
I don't even know how I made it through the day those first couple of months on my own. 
I was completely emotionally wore out. It took everything I had to be  mom and get through the day.
  Probably why I was also in the hospital 3x and having heart problems.

Anyways: he was coming up here.  So we met in the Dells. I was nervous and sick about it all at the same time.  I wanted to see him; but yet... I didn't.  I knew it would hurt too much.  and it was going to hurt to have to say, "No. I need to stick with my decision." because I knew it would hurt him.  And I was in such a weird place. I was trying to bury my feelings and do anything I can to NOT feel because I thought that if I did then... well. I knew I would end up back in MO and it was NOT the right time because I had to make some changes for myself!  Anyways. The only reason he came back was for the funeral: like I said.

I had asked him to stay at a hotel when he was in the area (I knew it would be too hard for me to have him with us!) but then Weird Thing #1 : his bank cards were declined and so were mine because we were traveling.... so there was no money and he HAD to stay with me. 
Yeah.  That was .... I was scared. To have him here. I didn't want to "feel" anything anymore.... and this COMPLETELY broke through my barriers. 
(But it was also the best blessing in disguise)

So he came to stay: we had our moments & NO it was not all "fairy-tale"ish.... but: I started to think....  just maybe there's a reason for all of this. Just maybe this is part of the plan.

A couple days after he got into town we attended his uncle's funeral together.
It was so difficult to see his aunt and those three little kids up there. 
Knowing they would never be able to see their dad.
Knowing she would never get to hold her husband again and just hear him say, "I love you."
It broke my heart. But: it also opened it.
I realized I didn't want to quit.
I realized - in that moment (of all places) - that I loved the man next to me more than anything in the world and I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to lose my husband, I didn't want my kids to lose their dad, and I didn't want my family to be torn apart by ANYTHING that could be helped, prevented, or fixed.

It was there in that church when I took his hand... him wearing his suit... me wearing my black dress.
Watching everyone cry.  Feeling such intense sadness but such love in his strong hand as I glanced over at him. I knew in that moment what I wanted. My heart just welled up.
Nothing else mattered. 
It didn't matter what anyone thought. What I thought. I just knew.
And that was a defining moment for me.  Up until then I was plagued by indecision. 
That is NOT an understatement.
Indecision can LITERALLY take you to low places.  It blows you back and forth.
You have no grounding. You feel like you're spinning out of control.
"wishy-washiness".
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Indecision is the worst torment.
I didn't know if I could ever "feel" again. But the moment I made the DECISION to feel. 
The moment I made the DECISION to love no matter what and give it my all:
 that's when everything changed.

See what I learned was this.  Probably one of the most powerful life lessons I've ever learned and I want to share it with you:
Feelings follow action. Action follows decision.
You're not always going to FEEL intensely in love with someone.
That's where you still make the decision to love them anyways. 
And you know what? Your FEELINGS will follow!
.... more on this later. I've learned SO MUCH about it..... I can't wait to share.
When I do the blog post on it. I'll post the link HERE. 


So a couple days after the funeral...(TMI part!)
I remember thinking to myself: "huh. This is weird. I almost feel like I'm having ovulation cramps. " even though I had JUST had my period. Literally. 3 days before that. And my cycles have been regular since I was 14! 28 and 32 days ovulating at 14th day and the 16th day.  I know my body.
So I remember thinking that and telling Rob and he was like, "No. You're not"
Well then it was the night or two before he was supposed to leave and we were watching a movie in the living room when we hear this awful crunching scraping noise. And we look out the living room window (over the5 foot high snowbank) and he says, "I think somebody just backed into my car!  They're doing a hit and run!"
"Luckily" it was just the neighbor's daughter.... long story short: we're pretty sure it was on purpose. DOESN'T MATTER. Whatever. But the problem?  His car wasn't driveable.  He had to take it in to have it repaired.
So.... that was odd thing #4. (The others were his uncle passing away unexpectedly and then his bank cards getting declined and then me feeling like I ovulated a week early: which I DID!)

And needless to say: yes. we did..... you know. ANYWAYS! 

Well: fast-forward a couple weeks and I was in Florida with my mom and the boys for vacation.
I could smell things I couldn't usually smell. 
And I had this oddly happy, carefree feeling that I usually only had when I was pregnant. 
But I thought, "No. No way!  There's NO WAY I ovulated an entire week early!"
So I texted Rob anyways. "Hey. I think I might be a couple days late. I think I might be pregnant"
And I called him. And he was like, "No. You're not pregnant. Remember how many times you thought that before? Just go get a test and call me back or something."
and I remember thinking. "Ok. Yeah. He's right. False alarm." ..... but inside I just knew.
So I left my mom and boys at the hotel and went to clean out the car (aka drive to Walgreens and get some prego tests and then proceed to drive across the freeway to the WaWa gas-station just so it wasn't SO obvious!)

I have footage from that first day and immediately after I found out.  I haven't shared my initial reaction with ANYONE yet!  

And THAT'S WHEN I saw those 2 pink lines.

After the shock wore off.... I was excited.
And I remember calling Rob. And he was excited.
(my hormonal anger outburst from the previous day made PERFECT sense! Oh my gosh.... I was pregozilla....a complete and total crazy, angry b****!!! I was TERRIBLE! And I remember thinking: what the HELL is wrong with me?!  Why am I so cranky?!  I feel like I have road rage!)

Then I called to make my OB appointment and they asked me the first day of my last period. 
And it was July 28th. The day his uncle passed away. 
Which is TECHNICALLY the day they start counting your pregnancy from.
So that was odd.
And then I thought about it: the ONLY reason I got pregnant (I knew my date of conception) was because he was up there for the funeral, his bank cards were declined, my body over-rode it's 10-year-long stretch of ALWAYS being "on-time" and I ovulated an ENTIRE WEEK EARLY and because his car had gotten backed into and he had to stay in town longer than expected.
Sort've .... bizarre when you think about how everything is connected.

WELL: 
there's a little inside info that I doubt anybody knew up until this point!
Now onto the actual "how her name got picked" portion of the blog!
Let me just say that I ABSOLUTELY wanted Viviana Claire.
Viviana means "full of life" and Claire means "clear, brilliant"
I wanted to call her Vivi! 
Rob picked some more.... traditional Polish and Russian names. (Our last name is VERY Russian)
Ok. For starters let's just remember some of the names he chose for Ryan (had we not settled on Ryan)
-- Sherman
-- Floyd
-- Steve
-- Pierce
-- Howard 
-- Charles
.......... need I say more? We obviously have very DIFFERENT tastes when it comes to names.

(had this little one been a boy he found the name "Bogdan" and really liked it ......) Oh my. Definitely unique... I will say that much!

But I have been picking out little girl names ever since I was little!  So obviously I wanted to be the one to name her.

Well I loved Viviana Claire.
Or Audrey Claire.  Or Audrey Elizabeth.
If I ever had twin girls I wanted to name them Natali Victoria and Viviana Nicole. (See what I did there flip-flopping the "N" and "V" names?) Well when I found out it wasn't twins those went off the table. 
When I asked Rob he threw in names such as:
Ivana. Roxana. Alejca (a Polish name and variation for "Alice" which is his Grandma's Name). Mary (his Grandma's name) 
A couple were very nteresting. And - of course- it was precious that he wanted to name her after his Grandmas.

Well. Were we both in for a surprise.

So THAT is exactly how her name got to be picked out!
I guess I will just have to get a fish and name it Viviana Claire.
I have to say, though: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Nothing may ever go according to plan.... but that's life.
It's a little un-traditional.
It's absolutely unpredictable.
But I still love it and I'm grateful for it every single day!

thanks for reading!

Rob's Second Visit + Family Cookout and Home Footage

So it's been pretty frustrating that my internet  has been having problems and only certain sites are affected. Guess which ones?

1.)  My blog

2.)  The site I use to make / edit my videos

3.)  The website I want to order my new pair of fall boots from 

.... hmmm.... :)

So here's to some super fast typing to get this blog out before the site becomes inacessible again! (I logged in today to find that the 3 blogs I posted in the past couple of weeks never saved / got published! BUMMER! But I'll catch you up....)

Also: I was watering the wildflowers that started to pop up in my front garden and what do you think I noticed on the trees in the front yard? The leaves are starting to turn!  Where did summer go? 

Well here's where it went:

May 25th & 26th: I posted my first blogs then took the boys for a spontaneous trip up north and spent the next 10 days sort of just keeping to myself and really focusing on my own healing and what it meant for me to be healthier.

June 2 : My birthday! Grandparents came up to visit. Went to the spa.Relaxed

June 10: Fathers Day weekend.... Rob came to town and visited the boys and we also found out the gender of our little PRINCESS 

June 17: Illinois and back to drop the boys off with my mom

June 21: Wedding weekend extravaganza in Milwaukee

June 25: Back to Illinois for nearly a week to hang out with my mom and pick up the boys

July 3: Up north for the weekend of the 4th to visit a friend 

Then the month of July was really spent getting into the groove of solo-parenting and consisted of re-arranging the ENTIRE house to make room for baby and all of her accessoires! (Like I said before: our house is rather .... "cozy" and fitting her in here is going to be like Tetris!)

July 31: Family from TX comes to visit!  Watch the video below to see how that went :) 

Our company (My sister-in-law, Kendra, her hubby, and my niece!) left on Monday and on Tuesday Rob called to tell the boys he wouldn't be able to make it up. I was bummed. It was obvious he was stressed. And the boys were sad. So I decided that instead of moping around that weekend that I would take the boys somewhere instead to get us out of the house.  Well.... that changed after we got a certain phone call on Wednesday morning. 

By the way: there's not enough room in the blog to explain the dynamics and backstory to everything: just know that everything that's been goind down is pretty cool and a pretty awesome story :)  Can't wait to one day share it in my book so you all can know exactly how amazing everything works out when you just let go and let God!  Ok.... so.... Wednesday morning.

Rob called to talk to the boys and Ryan told him how much they missed him and how sad they were that he wasn't able to come up. I had to walk into the other room.  Then I thought Ryan had hung up on him and probably about 15 or 20 minutes later he called or I called him back and I was shocked when he actually wanted to talk with me and not the boys (despite my wants: I had stopped calling him to give him some space.... SO hard to do!) He asked what we were doing for the weekend and if I was going to go to the family party.... which I said "no" to since he wasn't going to be there. A couple weeks prior he had called saying he wanted to come up but had no place to stay! I had texted back, "Well I know of 3 people who would LOVE to have you" ...... thinking to myself *hint hint ...... ; ) 

But I had left it at that.  I didn't want to push him or make him feel uncomfortable.  The last time we had seen each other / talked was in June over Father's Day weekend (click here to watch the video) and as a whole it was a good weekend but it was still just.... weird. You know?  He felt weird / slightly awkward around me. Confusing feelings. How could things not be confusing? I mean... yeah. 

So Wednesday when we were talking on the phone all of the sudden he just blurted out, "Well you never invited me to stay there!" and - of course not! I didn't want him to be uncomfortable!  But he asked if he could stay with us so OF COURSE I said yes!  I knew the boys would be so overjoyed to have him at the house.... it's all they ever talk about!  

"Mommy can we keep Daddy here? He can stay in our room and won't have to go back to Missouri"

"When is Daddy going to come stay with us?"

"I think Daddy should come live with us forever. I miss him" 

.... I hear these things on a daily basis. 

And to be honest... as much as the boys were excited... I was pretty excited, too. 

That evening we came back from the YMCA to see a little green car in the driveway and .... well you can watch the video and see how the weekend went! 

It was by far the best weekend we had all summer.

Ryan wasn't too thrilled about Daddy sleeping in his bed with him.... he HATES sharing his bed and he said that daddy took the blankets and farted in his bed.  Oh my gosh. I couldn't stop laughing watching his little mad face when he said that!  And: let's be honest. I'm nearly 7 months pregnant, I have a pillow nest on my bed, and I take up the WHOOOOOLE bed.  So there's really no sharing going on there ;) 

All I know is that we miss him like crazy. And having him here this past weekend was like having a huge hole in your heart just filled in. 

I'm learning to not expect so much and just take everything in stride and enjoy the little things.

I'm learning that I don't have to get upset over some stuff because... IT'S NOT WORTH IT! 

I also learned that sometimes just breathing in, breathing out, going to bed and waking up to a new day is a genius plan.... otherwise I think I might be a little feisty at night?  Or more prone to not saying things gently? Maybe.  I think everything goes much better when you can chat it over with hindsight with a cup of coffee in your hand and fresh morning light. It doesn't sound so.... ACCUSATORY. 

No - everything isn't rainbow blossoms and unicorns 100% of the time (and not 100% of the weekend!) But I have to be honest when I say that this was BY FAR the best time we've ever spent together as a family.  He's so.... peaceful now. And accepting. And..... man.  I could just cry sitting here as I type this. Honestly. Ok. Let's be honest maybe I am crying a little because it just makes my heart so happy.  I knew leaving was the hardest thing I'd ever do and I knew he was stressed with us there and I KNEW we had to leave so some of his own personal healing could happen and it just is so overwhelming to see some of it happening.

For instance when we were in the car driving to the lake house; a truck pulled out and darn near side swiped us because the guy wasn't paying attention!  I freaked out. The old Rob would've been off in a cussing tailspin fit of anger.  But he just took it. Didn't say anything. Sped up a little to get past. But that was it. We got to the stop sign. Rob turned left.  And I just sat there staring at him. And I kept staring.... just waiting for it.... thinking maybe he was just bottling it up to unload a little further away. So I waited.  We got to the stop lights. Still nothing. Finally about 45 seconds later he looked at me and was like, "What are you staring at me for? Quit it!" 

And I couldn't believe it. He DIDN'T EVEN FREAK OUT! I mean. That was huge. 

And I caught him over the weekend when he would go up behind the boys and just give them a kiss on the head or on the cheek and say, "I love you" 

It was just the most wonderful thing. And when we were getting ready to leave to go to the family party on Saturday morning I went to the pool.  I didn't realize we were supposed to be out there at 9! (OOPS!  I didn't even leave the pool until 9!) But this time instead of him freaking out and yelling and getting upset he just sat in the chair and read his kindle. I was so impressed. I just remember going over to him and patting him on the head and fighting back tears. 

I hope he knows and can see just how much a couple months of less stress have made a huge difference!

Sunday night we got to go visit my Grandparents and my Grandma got to give him a huge hug.  It was precious. This whole time he thought everybody hated him. and that couldn't be further from the truth.

Sitting there in Grams' living room she asked what was up with Christopher who normally is a chatty Kathy and bouncing all over the place but in contrast this evening was sitting quietly on the floor next to the chair and had BARELY spoken 20 words.

"Rob's leaving tomorrow" I mouthed.

and she got it. 

He took it particularly hard. He was pretty quiet the rest of the night.  Then when we left my Grandma's Rob decided to take one last stop so the boys could see my dad and he could say "bye".  Good timing because my brother and his girlfriend came to the house, too!  So he got to see everyone. (My brother and Rob are like peas in a pod.... they have always gotten along very well because of similar temperaments and interests!) That night on the way back to the house Rob decided that the perfect thing to go with the brownies I had made would be.....ICE CREAM!

So I was the cliche pregnant chick walking into the grocery store at 9 p.m. to get ice cream while he rented a movie for the boys from the Redbox.

It was a nice night. Just.... relaxing. 

Monday morning was so hard.

I had been fine the night before (in fact I was proud of myself at how emotionally stable I was doing!  Thinking "hey - I'm awesome! I'm handling this like a champ!")

I was fine all morning: doing well and feeling SO happy about the visit; but, all of a sudden I just got overwhelmed and started sobbing.  I am sure my pouty lip was sticking out immensely!

 I didn't want the weekend to end.

I didn't want to see him leave.

I didn't want the boys to be sad.

I didn't want to go back to..... whatever we'd had before the weekend.

I wanted to keep talking and laughing and having our family.

I honestly just wanted to continue on with the weekend....FOREVER!  Because it was.... It was just.... really good. Really, really good. To see how much different we are than we were a year ago and how much we've grown and how different he is and how much healing he's done. I couldn't have asked for a better time. It was also so neat because he got to feel baby girl moving around and it was just.... that's a good feeling. It made me remember back to the first time I actually knew what it felt like to look at somebody and WANT to have a baby with them.

I remember it SO clearly!  I was washing dishes looking out the kitchen window at our backyard (the house in Missouri that was in the country on 48 acres) and I remember hearing the boys playing off in their room and building train tracks and just seeing Rob standing there on the back porch looking off into the pastures.  We had talked earlier about someday having a house like that in the country: lots of chickens, apple trees, a hammock. And I just stared at him and felt nothing but this incredible wave of emotion and thought how much I just loved that man standing there. I remember putting the washcloth down and running outside and just giving him a huge hug and he looked at me funny like, "What was that for?!" 

And I remember telling him, "I just.... I want to have more kids with you!" and he gave this high-pitched laugh like "ha! yeah ok. Maybe someday". And to think that that "someday" is now.  I guess you could call it a little "trippy" ;) 

Anyways. Obviously he had to go back to Missouri. I think we all looked like spider monkeys just hanging off of him. I am suprised he even made it out the door.  It was awful. Had I been able to (gracefully) run I am sure I would've been chasing after his car..... but running at 28 weeks pregnant.... not so much.

CHRISTOPHER on the other hand as soon as he saw Rob's car turn the corner.... he took off running in his little Bob-The-Builder pajama pants and ran all the way to the end of the block and just stood at the corner sobbing. Oh talk about having somebody stick a wrench in your heart.  He wouldn't even come in the house.  He just slowly walked around out front saying, "I think he's going to come back. Momma - Daddy's going to come back and stay with us, right?"

The rest of the day was pretty..... eh. 

Christopher wanted to stay in his pajamas all day so I gave in. I didn't feel like getting dressed or doing much of anything, either.  The fact that the weather was gray and drizzly and it started to thunderstorm around noon definitely didn't help in the motivation department. In fact - the boys just wanted to stay in the room all day. SO not like them.... SO THEY DID!  for 7 hours nearly. 

I stayed in bed.  

They came in my room and we all watched, "God's Not Dead" (loved it!)

Then finally around 7pm I decided we should probably eat something and since I did NOT feel like cooking we just went to the good ol' Subway shop. 

then promptly came back home and went to bed.

Tuesday I dragged myself to the Y to go swimming and I'm glad I did.... it really helped us get out of our funk. 

So : now we look forward to seeing him again. We miss him everyday. More so now than ever.

It's been incredibly hard to not just get into the car and drive down there. Let me tell you today I literally had to keep myself occupied so I didn't do it. I've been talking myself out of it, in fact.

I just want to go. But I know patience is a good thing. And that's something I need to embrace right now. 

Peace and patience.

Knowing that everything in His timing will be perfect.... 

As always: 

thanks for reading and letting me share our family's journey with you!

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