you'll want to check out the last blog (click here) to watch the name reveal video.
But THIS blog is specifically for some interesting facts you might not know about Baby #3 (how she came to be) and HOW her name was picked out!
It's a pretty cute story. Obviously we were NOT trying for a baby.... um. No.
I had JUST moved into my house up here in WI and he was / is still in MO and planning to get out of the military.
I mean: honestly it was the WORST possible timing ever for a baby.
Did I mention the fact that we were / are separated? Yeah. So this pregnancy was obviously not planned.
I know: if you're new to the blog here I probably just dropped a total bombshell on you. So you'll probably want to backtrack and go read my featured blogs: Why I Walked Away and The Monster in my Marriage so you have some background info here! Let's just say: I didn't leave because I wanted to or because I hate my husband. None of that. I love that man and I want nothing more than to have our family! But... unfortunately... anyways. Just read the blogs!
I never thought I would have kids. I always saw other people's kids and it completely grossed me out.
All snot-nosed and crusty. Just the thought of having to be responsible for another life was completely repulsive to my sort've self-ish nature (at the time). How would I ever be able to have a successful career if I was stuck at home wiping butts all day? I mean SERIOUSLY! And why in the world would I ever WANT to knowingly put myself through 9 months of (what I perceived as) torturous weight-gain, stretch marks, and physical pain?
No. I was positive that I would never have kids. Just the thought of pregnant bellies made me want to pass out because I have this very odd phobia of bellybuttons and.... ew. When they stick out. Yuck. I did NOT want to ever be pregnant. I thought maybe someday I would adopt. Maybe.
Well: HA HA HA. Obviously there were other plans in store for my life.
(And boy -- am I HAPPY about that!)
But seriously.... how things changed.
And how I finally knew the feeling of actually WANTING to have kids with somebody.
I remember when we were living at our house out in the country: a huge wooden house on 48 acres of land... completely surrounded by nothing. I remember washing dishes and looking out the window and there was my husband standing there on the patio. And: I can't explain it but in that moment I saw him and just felt OVERWHELMED with this incredible amount of love that made my heart want to burst. In that moment I KNEW what it felt like to actually want to have kids with someone! I remember dropping the dishrag and just running out the back door to him and giving him a huge hug. (This was around the time he had gotten back from PTSD treatment. A time when we honestly had nearly 4 months of.... well... it was just amazing. It's what our marriage COULD be. And it's also a reminder that you need to constantly work at it. If I could go back: I would sell everything we had to make sure he continued to get counseling and help)
Anyways: we already had Christopher and Ryan and up until then I never knew if I wanted more kids: but in that moment I was sure. And I just saw him. I saw him with a little girl. I could completely picture it.
I don't know how to describe this but sometimes I have little flashforwards. Is that what you'd call them? Because they're not flashBACKS. But I just: I see things sometimes! (hopefully that doesn't sound TOO weird! It's not all Sixth Sense, "I See Dead People" kind of thing" ....)
Anyways. He sort've laughed at me a little. We had talked about it back and forth before - JOKINGLY - but it just wasn't the right time. We had already started hearing the boys in their little rooms at night praying for a sister. I stood outside the door one night and went to get Rob (my husband) out of the living room so he could listen, too. Little 3.5 year old Christopher and 1.5 year old Ryan were in their room talking to each other about daddy going to "find" a sister (they thought every time he went out into the woods that he was going to look for one). And there was Christopher... just praying away for a little sister so they could play with her and brush her hair.
Christopher prayed for a whole year. There was even one point where I was praying, too. I thought.... well. Anyways. Sounds ridiculous. So I won't type it. I'll share later. Maybe in my book. Too much to write here! Anyways. It didn't happen.
I cried and cried. And I cried some more.
I couldn't see how they would ever have a little sister after I left and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That stung.
And then: well.
It's sort've weird.
So as you know Rob was down in Missouri yet.
I moved up here: I went down in January to get all of my stuff out of our home in Missouri.
(Worst and hardest things I have EVER had to do. In my life. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up and cry all at the same time). Anyways: I was up here and he was stressed and sad and upset and hurt.
And I don't blame him. He couldn't understand why I left. I couldn't help him. I needed time to just heal myself.
Then to make it worse he found out that one of his favorite Uncles had passed away. It was a complete shock. He had (seemingly) been in perfect health: he had 3 young boys (9,7, and 5).
And boom: he had a heart attack.
So the only reason he (Rob) came up here was for his uncle's funeral.
(At this point I was so stressed. SO unimaginably stressed. I wanted my husband and marriage more than anything in the world but for whatever inexplicable reason I KNEW I had to stay put and that I had made the right decision. Try explaining THAT one to your spouse and expect them to just say, "ok")
I don't even know how I made it through the day those first couple of months on my own.
I was completely emotionally wore out. It took everything I had to be mom and get through the day.
Probably why I was also in the hospital 3x and having heart problems.
Anyways: he was coming up here. So we met in the Dells. I was nervous and sick about it all at the same time. I wanted to see him; but yet... I didn't. I knew it would hurt too much. and it was going to hurt to have to say, "No. I need to stick with my decision." because I knew it would hurt him. And I was in such a weird place. I was trying to bury my feelings and do anything I can to NOT feel because I thought that if I did then... well. I knew I would end up back in MO and it was NOT the right time because I had to make some changes for myself! Anyways. The only reason he came back was for the funeral: like I said.
I had asked him to stay at a hotel when he was in the area (I knew it would be too hard for me to have him with us!) but then Weird Thing #1 : his bank cards were declined and so were mine because we were traveling.... so there was no money and he HAD to stay with me.
Yeah. That was .... I was scared. To have him here. I didn't want to "feel" anything anymore.... and this COMPLETELY broke through my barriers.
(But it was also the best blessing in disguise)
So he came to stay: we had our moments & NO it was not all "fairy-tale"ish.... but: I started to think.... just maybe there's a reason for all of this. Just maybe this is part of the plan.
A couple days after he got into town we attended his uncle's funeral together.
It was so difficult to see his aunt and those three little kids up there.
Knowing they would never be able to see their dad.
Knowing she would never get to hold her husband again and just hear him say, "I love you."
It broke my heart. But: it also opened it.
I realized I didn't want to quit.
I realized - in that moment (of all places) - that I loved the man next to me more than anything in the world and I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to lose my husband, I didn't want my kids to lose their dad, and I didn't want my family to be torn apart by ANYTHING that could be helped, prevented, or fixed.
It was there in that church when I took his hand... him wearing his suit... me wearing my black dress.
Watching everyone cry. Feeling such intense sadness but such love in his strong hand as I glanced over at him. I knew in that moment what I wanted. My heart just welled up.
Nothing else mattered.
It didn't matter what anyone thought. What I thought. I just knew.
And that was a defining moment for me. Up until then I was plagued by indecision.
That is NOT an understatement.
Indecision can LITERALLY take you to low places. It blows you back and forth.
You have no grounding. You feel like you're spinning out of control.
"wishy-washiness".
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Indecision is the worst torment.
I didn't know if I could ever "feel" again. But the moment I made the DECISION to feel.
The moment I made the DECISION to love no matter what and give it my all:
that's when everything changed.
See what I learned was this. Probably one of the most powerful life lessons I've ever learned and I want to share it with you:
Feelings follow action. Action follows decision.
You're not always going to FEEL intensely in love with someone.
That's where you still make the decision to love them anyways.
And you know what? Your FEELINGS will follow!
.... more on this later. I've learned SO MUCH about it..... I can't wait to share.
When I do the blog post on it. I'll post the link HERE.
So a couple days after the funeral...(TMI part!)
I remember thinking to myself: "huh. This is weird. I almost feel like I'm having ovulation cramps. " even though I had JUST had my period. Literally. 3 days before that. And my cycles have been regular since I was 14! 28 and 32 days ovulating at 14th day and the 16th day. I know my body.
So I remember thinking that and telling Rob and he was like, "No. You're not"
Well then it was the night or two before he was supposed to leave and we were watching a movie in the living room when we hear this awful crunching scraping noise. And we look out the living room window (over the5 foot high snowbank) and he says, "I think somebody just backed into my car! They're doing a hit and run!"
"Luckily" it was just the neighbor's daughter.... long story short: we're pretty sure it was on purpose. DOESN'T MATTER. Whatever. But the problem? His car wasn't driveable. He had to take it in to have it repaired.
So.... that was odd thing #4. (The others were his uncle passing away unexpectedly and then his bank cards getting declined and then me feeling like I ovulated a week early: which I DID!)
And needless to say: yes. we did..... you know. ANYWAYS!
Well: fast-forward a couple weeks and I was in Florida with my mom and the boys for vacation.
I could smell things I couldn't usually smell.
And I had this oddly happy, carefree feeling that I usually only had when I was pregnant.
But I thought, "No. No way! There's NO WAY I ovulated an entire week early!"
So I texted Rob anyways. "Hey. I think I might be a couple days late. I think I might be pregnant"
And I called him. And he was like, "No. You're not pregnant. Remember how many times you thought that before? Just go get a test and call me back or something."
and I remember thinking. "Ok. Yeah. He's right. False alarm." ..... but inside I just knew.
So I left my mom and boys at the hotel and went to clean out the car (aka drive to Walgreens and get some prego tests and then proceed to drive across the freeway to the WaWa gas-station just so it wasn't SO obvious!)
I have footage from that first day and immediately after I found out. I haven't shared my initial reaction with ANYONE yet!
And THAT'S WHEN I saw those 2 pink lines.
After the shock wore off.... I was excited.
And I remember calling Rob. And he was excited.
(my hormonal anger outburst from the previous day made PERFECT sense! Oh my gosh.... I was pregozilla....a complete and total crazy, angry b****!!! I was TERRIBLE! And I remember thinking: what the HELL is wrong with me?! Why am I so cranky?! I feel like I have road rage!)
Then I called to make my OB appointment and they asked me the first day of my last period.
And it was July 28th. The day his uncle passed away.
Which is TECHNICALLY the day they start counting your pregnancy from.
So that was odd.
And then I thought about it: the ONLY reason I got pregnant (I knew my date of conception) was because he was up there for the funeral, his bank cards were declined, my body over-rode it's 10-year-long stretch of ALWAYS being "on-time" and I ovulated an ENTIRE WEEK EARLY and because his car had gotten backed into and he had to stay in town longer than expected.
Sort've .... bizarre when you think about how everything is connected.
WELL:
there's a little inside info that I doubt anybody knew up until this point!
Now onto the actual "how her name got picked" portion of the blog!
Let me just say that I ABSOLUTELY wanted Viviana Claire.
Viviana means "full of life" and Claire means "clear, brilliant"
I wanted to call her Vivi!
Rob picked some more.... traditional Polish and Russian names. (Our last name is VERY Russian)
Ok. For starters let's just remember some of the names he chose for Ryan (had we not settled on Ryan)
-- Sherman
-- Floyd
-- Steve
-- Pierce
-- Howard
-- Charles
.......... need I say more? We obviously have very DIFFERENT tastes when it comes to names.
(had this little one been a boy he found the name "Bogdan" and really liked it ......) Oh my. Definitely unique... I will say that much!
But I have been picking out little girl names ever since I was little! So obviously I wanted to be the one to name her.
Well I loved Viviana Claire.
Or Audrey Claire. Or Audrey Elizabeth.
If I ever had twin girls I wanted to name them Natali Victoria and Viviana Nicole. (See what I did there flip-flopping the "N" and "V" names?) Well when I found out it wasn't twins those went off the table.
When I asked Rob he threw in names such as:
Ivana. Roxana. Alejca (a Polish name and variation for "Alice" which is his Grandma's Name). Mary (his Grandma's name)
A couple were very nteresting. And - of course- it was precious that he wanted to name her after his Grandmas.
Well. Were we both in for a surprise.
I guess I will just have to get a fish and name it Viviana Claire.
I have to say, though: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Nothing may ever go according to plan.... but that's life.
It's a little un-traditional.
It's absolutely unpredictable.
But I still love it and I'm grateful for it every single day!
thanks for reading!
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