And it's official: time is flying.
Just for fun I went back and read my blogs from my pregnancies with the boys. It's neat to compare and see just how much life has changed since then!
In case you didn't see: it's been a couple days since I had the little preterm labor experience.
(normal for me: I had it with BOTH of the boys at the 30-32 week mark. Apparently that's just when my cranky uterus wants to kick baby out!)
I did some hippie things, though (If you want to read the blog on it: CLICK HERE ) and it worked!
I even wrote in there how I was pretty sure I felt her move or flip....
Well yesterday at my appointment my doctor confirmed: she's transverse!
Transverse = laying sideways.
At my 28 week appointment my doctor had noted that she had turned head down and her head was pretty low already (which she was surprised about). More than likely her position was what could've had alot to do with the labor stuff! It's also a good thing she flipped when she did. My doctor said that's most likely what led the contractions to stop. So for now: I'm completely ok with her not being in the head-down position. Baby girl has a couple weeks to go before that becomes a concern anyways!
I also found out some sketchy details about just how serious the complications were with my waterbirth delivery of Christopher. Things I'd only heard about for the first time and - up until this point - had NO IDEA about! But it'd be too much to type so if you're curious you can check out the video I made last night. And excuse my random ramblings about taco salad: it's just that I was heavily disappointed by what I received.
I don't know. Maybe it's just me: would YOU consider that a taco salad?
I'd love to know.... leave a comment below with YOUR opinions on taco salad!
Today I dragged my butt to the pool. I REALLY didn't feel like going. I was tired.
Excuses. Excuses. ;) But I went! So that was nice.
Felt HUGE today. Ugh. I'm at that point where I'm starting to get uncomfortable just because my belly is big and it pushes everything up and down at the same time. Sitting in the car... ugh.
haha ---> you can tell my attitude this morning was NOT so pleasant! Once I actually get in the pool, though it's a different story.
Glad I did because I ran into somebody I know and we got to chat.
I also got to meet somebody new because I noticed she had Honest Co. Shampoo!
(I thought it was mine for a second and I had to say "hi" because I've never met anyone else around here that uses Honest Co. products!)
PS - if you're curious about what those are / why I use them.... check out my OTHER blog! (dedicated to health, wellness, fun finds.... all that good stuff!)
-----> www.NonToxicDiva.com
turns out she works at the Y and teaches a couple of classes! It's nice meeting new people with similar interests!
Had a bit of a hormonal meltdown this afternoon. Randomly!
(Ok. It wasn't exactly random. I'm 32 weeks pregnant, my hormones are going crazy, and I'm all on my own.)
I went into the kitchen to do the dishes and I saw the picture of Rob holding 6-month-old Ryan on the fridge and I just burst into tears. It really made me sad. It makes me sad because I miss him. And because he's not here. And it makes me sad because you can't make somebody want to be with you or care for you. It makes me sad because I can't imagine how he felt / feels: thinking that I left because I didn't love him. Which wasn't the case.
I had to leave.
I made the right decision.
But somehow knowing that doesn't necessarily make any of this easier.
It was his birthday 2 days ago and all I wanted to do was be there to make him chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, decorate the house, give him a huge kiss when he woke up in the morning, have the boys give him presents that they attempted to wrap themselves, & make up for all of the birthdays that he never got anything.
Not a party.
Not a call.
Not a card.
Yes he's a few states away... so being there (especially now) wasn't practical. But even just to be able to call him and tell him, "Hey: happy birthday! I love you SO MUCH!" ..... but none of that happened.
I forced myself not to call.
I didn't send anything.
I didn't do anything that a wife could and should do.... because I'm not a wife.
Not because I don't want to be one: but because I have to respect his wishes.... and it's been very clear that he does not want me as a wife. In actuality; I feel like he doesn't know what he wants in life at all. And until he figures that out for himself; there's nothing I can say or do. Letting go at first was hard. I felt desperate and helpless; but I got to a place where it was just.... freeing.
It's freeing to know that I am not responsible for him or his actions.
To get to a place where you just "Let Go and Let God" is an amazing feeling.... just knowing in my heart that He is taking care of me... is all the comfort I need.
The comfort that took me YEARS to find. Don't get me wrong:
It was SO difficult to respect his wishes (and myself) enough to just.... step back.
But at the same time. It was a good feeling.
So, today after I looked at that picture and his smiling face: I let myself cry it out for about 5 minutes and then I reached for my positive playlist.
Ironically the first song that came on was this one:
It really just reminds me that even though I don't know why this is happening right now; it's not going to be wasted.
I hope you know that whatever YOU'RE going through right now:
It has a purpose.
Even though you may not understand how or why (and you may NEVER understand)
just know that it's part of a bigger plan.
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