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The $100 Lesson That My Phone Taught Me

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As most of you (hopefully) have already figured out: I've been "solo parenting" for nearly a year now.... by choice.
Unfortunately the hardest one I've ever had to make.
I hate the term "single mom" because I'm not technically single.  I just dislike it.

LINKS: Why I Walked Away   and    Monster in my Marriage
(you will be taken to the NEW ProjectEvolveLife Blog!)

If you haven't been to the blog before or you want a little insight as to WHY I Walked Away:
those two posts might be helpful.
And before you start reading: it's not because I hate my husband or because he's some terrible person.
Quite the opposite, in fact. Which is why it was incredibly hard.
I love that man and we miss him every single day.... more than he can ever imagine.
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Yesterday was a rough day.
It's been a little bit more of an emotional roller coaster the past month and it's definitely been a fight to stay grounded, focused, and positive. It honestly takes time during the day where I have to simply focus on staying in the right mindset otherwise I could easily get swept away by the feelings and emotions that I'm having. (Some of which I am quite sure are due to surging hormones!)
I have to remember that I'm not ALWAYS going to have a belly that gets uncomfortably in the way of doing dishes: so instead of complaining.... just sit down and enjoy it because in a few weeks that little bump housing my princess will be gone and I'll miss it.
Instead of focusing on not having somebody there to cuddle up next to I have to think of how grateful I am that I can be 9 months pregnant (nearly) and able to sprawl out and take up the ENTIRE bed.
See what I mean? I've literally had to shift my thinking.

Things have not been easy: far from it!
But I've taken comfort in the fact that no pain is wasted.
Every tear that's fallen has a purpose and is going to be put to use.
Right now it's like I'm smack-dab in the middle of the book... the anxious chapters where all of the drama happens with plot highs (and lows). Reminding myself of that daily is crucial.
This is NOT the ending.... even though some days I question it and it certainly feels like it.
Some days I honestly just want to sit, quit, and fold my cards because I don't know how in the world I can take one more day of it. I think to myself,
"Oh how much easier to just call it quits. Give up. Move away. Nothing I'm doing is making a difference anyways"
But that's just stupidity (and being human!) Nothing goes away simply because you ignore it.

So yesterday:
was one of those low plot-points in this story.
(when I finally have that book written.... I'll put more in there. This blog: this is just a little window.  A sneak peek into what's going on.  A way to make sure I never get buried again in feeling like I have to hide what's going on in my life or be ashamed of the struggles I've been going through!)
I was frustrated at a phone call.
I let myself get offended and I let my feelings be hurt by words and actions.
..... or rather: inactions.
(because: yes. Whether you agree with me or not... something I've learned is that taking offense and having your feelings hurt is a CHOICE.)

I got upset.
SUPER upset.
I wasn't in a good mindset: I wasn't balanced.
I let myself get caught in the moment.
I stopped trusting the bigger plan.
I had a moment of weakness.
I focused on the short-term why and what if.
I let my brain get stuck on, "this isn't fair! This isn't right!"
I lost my focus that THIS is not the ending. There is a bigger purpose!
When you lose that focus?
....  Things like this happen: you allow yourself (or rather I allowed MYSELF)
to be swept away in the heat of the moment.
I got extremely emotional and upset and mad and sad and frustrated.
I only saw the bad: how is it fair that having Lia is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but - as it stands now - it's also going to be one of the most difficult times?
I focused on that.
So what did I do?
I took it out on my poor phone.
I didn't want to hear what was coming out of the phone anymore so I slammed it down as hard as I possibly could. In all theories.... it SHOULD'VE shattered beyond recognition by the amount of force I used on it.
.... nope.

Because when I picked it up: guess what? it was still functioning and he was still on the other line.
I was so mad. And at this point all I had accomplished was now not being able to turn it off or hang up.
I don't even remember what was said at the end I was so beyond myself and upset.
So I pitched that phone down the stairs where it promptly met the concrete floor of the basement.
My phone cover shattered into approximately 48 plastic shards all over.
and I just stood at the top of the stairs feeling incredibly stupid.
I realized: all of my pictures. All of my videos of my kids are on there.....
Then I wanted to just sit and cry some more because I was so mad at myself.

But that's when I heard a sound.
I could see pieces of my phone laying on the ground in the dark basement.
And I couldn't put it together.... where was that sound coming from and what was it?
I slowly started to walk down the stairs and as I got closer I noticed that I was hearing music.
I kept going and bent down to pick up each of the plastic pieces of shattered phone cover before locating the "large" part of my phone.
When I picked it up I realized it was playing my positive hits playlist.
Here's the song that was playing over my shattered, broken phone....
I encourage you to hit play and close your eyes and just listen to this song in its entirety.
It isn't just for me or about me.
It's for everyone who might be going through something right now and you're feeling overwhelmed.
I hope it gives you the same feeling it gave me:



I broke down and sobbed on the steps clutching this broken phone that - no matter how hard it was thrown or how much it came up against.... how shattered it was on the outside...  it refused to quit.
Instead it reminded me of where I should be focused right now.
I sat there on the steps crying listening to this shattered, broken phone continue to play songs that spoke right to my heart.



I realized I want to be like my phone and I'm going to think of it whenever I feel like I can't take any more.
I'm going to remember that no matter how many times you get thrown, smashed, shattered, or broken: you can still find a reason to sing.
You can still find a reason to have hope.
You can find a way to praise Him in the storm.
...remembering that He's bigger  than anything you might possibly be going through right now.

I hope my $100 lesson helps you a little, too.
(It was $100 because of the cost to replace the phone!)
Remember: whatever you're going through right now.... you're not alone.
You are loved more than you can imagine.
You have a purpose.
What you're going through has a purpose.
This is just the middle of the book: it's not the ending.

Thanks for reading and letting me share my journey: weaknesses and all!
PS - Thank God.... my phone held a charge long enough for me to plug it in and miraculously I was able to download all of the pictures and videos off of it and transfer them to my external hard drive before it turned off.
If you'd like to see the last video I took before this all went down: here it is  <3 

32 WEEKS with Baby #3

Today marks the 32 week mark.
And it's official: time is flying.
Just for fun I went back and read my blogs from my pregnancies with the boys. It's neat to compare and see just how much life has changed since then!

In case you didn't see: it's been a couple days since I had the little preterm labor experience.
(normal for me:  I had it with BOTH of the boys at the 30-32 week mark.  Apparently that's just when my cranky uterus wants to kick baby out!)

I did some hippie things, though (If you want to read the blog on it: CLICK HERE ) and it worked!
I even wrote in there how I was pretty sure I felt her move or flip....
Well yesterday at my appointment my doctor confirmed: she's transverse!
Transverse = laying sideways.

At my 28 week appointment my doctor had noted that she had turned head down and her head was pretty low already (which she was surprised about).  More than likely her position was what could've had alot to do with the labor stuff!  It's also a good thing she flipped when she did.  My doctor said that's most likely what led the contractions to stop.  So for now: I'm completely ok with her not being in the head-down position.  Baby girl has a couple weeks to go before that becomes a concern anyways!

I also found out some sketchy details about just how serious the complications were with my waterbirth delivery of Christopher.  Things I'd only heard about for the first time and - up until this point - had NO IDEA about!  But it'd be too much to type so if you're curious you can check out the video I made last night.  And excuse my random ramblings about taco salad: it's just that I was heavily disappointed by what I received.






  I don't know. Maybe it's just me: would YOU consider that a taco salad?
 I'd love to know.... leave a comment below with YOUR opinions on taco salad! 

Today I dragged my butt to the pool.  I REALLY didn't feel like going. I was tired.
Excuses. Excuses. ;) But I went!  So that was nice.
Felt HUGE today. Ugh. I'm at that point where I'm starting to get uncomfortable just because my belly is big and it pushes everything up and down at the same time. Sitting in the car... ugh.
haha ---> you can tell my attitude this morning was NOT so pleasant! Once I actually get in the pool, though it's a different story.
Glad I did because I ran into somebody I know and we got to chat.
I also got to meet somebody new because I noticed she had Honest Co. Shampoo!
(I thought it was mine for a second and I had to say "hi" because I've never met anyone else around here that uses Honest Co. products!)
PS - if you're curious about what those are / why I use them.... check out my OTHER blog! (dedicated to health, wellness, fun finds.... all that good stuff!) 
-----> www.NonToxicDiva.com
turns out she works at the Y and teaches a couple of classes!  It's nice meeting new people with similar interests!

Had a bit of a hormonal meltdown this afternoon. Randomly!
(Ok. It wasn't exactly random. I'm 32 weeks pregnant, my hormones are going crazy, and I'm all on my own.)
I went into the kitchen to do the dishes and I saw the picture of Rob holding 6-month-old Ryan on the fridge and I just burst into tears.  It really made me sad. It makes me sad because I miss him. And because he's not here. And it makes me sad because you can't make somebody want to be with you or care for you.  It makes me sad because I can't imagine how he felt / feels: thinking that I left because I didn't love him.  Which wasn't the case.
I had to leave.
I made the right decision.
But somehow knowing that doesn't necessarily make any of this easier.
It was his birthday 2 days ago and all I wanted to do was be there to make him chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, decorate the house, give him a huge kiss when he woke up in the morning, have the boys give him presents that they attempted to wrap themselves, & make up for all of the birthdays that he never got anything.
Not a party.
Not a call.
Not a card.
Yes he's a few states away... so being there (especially now) wasn't practical. But even just to be able to call him and tell him, "Hey: happy birthday!  I love you SO MUCH!"  ..... but none of that happened.
I forced myself not to call.
I didn't send anything.
I didn't do anything that a wife could and should do.... because I'm not a wife.
Not because I don't want to be one: but because I have to respect his wishes.... and it's been very clear that he does not want me as a wife. In actuality; I feel like he doesn't know what he wants in life at all.  And until he figures that out for himself; there's nothing I can say or do. Letting go at first was hard.  I felt desperate and helpless; but I got to a place where it was just.... freeing.
It's freeing to know that I am not responsible for him or his actions.
To get to a place where you just "Let Go and Let God" is an amazing feeling.... just knowing in my heart that He is taking care of me... is all the comfort I need.
The comfort that took me YEARS to find. Don't get me wrong:
It was SO difficult to respect his wishes (and myself) enough to just.... step back.
But at the same time. It was a good feeling.

So, today after I looked at that picture and his smiling face: I let myself cry it out for about 5 minutes and then I reached for my positive playlist.
Ironically the first song that came on was this one:
It really just reminds me that even though I don't know why this is happening right now; it's not going to be wasted.

I hope you know that whatever YOU'RE going through right now:
It has a purpose.
Even though you may not understand how or why (and you may NEVER understand)
just know that it's part of a bigger plan.

Rob Visits: Fathers Day, Gender Reveal Ultrasound & Home Footage

The boys had absolutely no idea that their dad was coming to town.

We decided that this would probably be the best option considering trips and plans are always subject to change when you're in the military.

I also wouldn't have been able to bear the look of disappointment on their faces if something were to happen... the Dairy Queen Incident was hard enough.

So I packed up everything they needed to stay with their dad out at the lake house for the weekend: 

- swimming trunks, beach towels, sunscreen

- fishing poles & tackle boxes

- food for the weekend (marshmallows, graham crackers, & chocolate: of course!)

and we hopped into the car to go for a little drive where I told them they might be getting a little surprise.

When we pulled up to the lake house (Christopher calls it "Buscia's" because that's Rob's Grandma and she used to live there.  "Buscia" is Polish for 'grandma') and they had no idea he was there already.  As you can see in the video, as soon as we stopped Christopher had already opened up his door and took off running up to the house with Ryan not too far behind and from around the corner you can hear him yelling, "DADDY!  WE MISSED YOU!"

My heart was so full watching them hug their dad.... they've missed him so much.  More than he'll ever know.

As soon as the camera cut off I couldn't contain myself anymore and I had to hug him.  It didn't matter if he hugged me back or not.  I wasn't going to keep that in.  I dropped all of their stuff off and then left to go pick up some firewood so they could have a fire that evening and pick up more food so he didn't have to worry about cooking.  That was my goal for the weekend: to make it so that he could just enjoy as much time as he could with them with as little stress as possible.  

We ate dinner together and I found out he got a new tattoo (actually... I already knew about it ... oddly enough I had a dream about it so it wasn't exactly a surprise) and then I left.  It was so difficult to drive away knowing that I was leaving three-quarters of my family there.  I laid in bed that night listening to the quietness - happy that the boys had their dad back but with a heavy heart because it was so hard to stay at my house knowing my best friend wasn't 10 hours away.... he was 10 minutes away.  And I couldn't even be there with him.  I just wanted to talk with him.  Share some laughs.  Talk about our kids.  Just sit there.  But that didn't happen and that stunk.  But I prayed, turned on my positive playlist, and let some tears fall.... knowing that yes while I'm sad now: everything's going to be ok. 

The next day (Saturday) was quite an ...... interesting.... morning.

Here's my video blog on How the Ultrasound Worked Out (click to watch on YouTube) 

On Friday night I went to bed early because that's all I wanted to do to take my mind off of everything.  And I had received a phone call very late at night from a phone number I didn't recognize. 

Saturday morning, a little after 7 a.m., I received a call from the same number.  I found it odd so I answered it.  Turns out that it was the ultrasound clinic calling from Madison (1.5 hours away).  The ultrasound technician had a family emergency come up and she had to cancel my appointment.  Not only that but the usual technician who would be on call was also out of town so there was NOBODY to do the ultrasound. 

I had emailed her to let her know of the situation (that Rob and I are separated) just so there were no questions that we had to awkwardly answer.... I didn't want him to be uncomfortable.  She felt so bad because my heart was just crushed.  I couldn't even say anything and there was at least 30 seconds of silence after she said, "I'm so sorry" .... I couldn't even talk. My words were choked up and caught in the back of my throat.

Could this actually be happening right now?  The ONE thing we would get to experience together with this pregnancy and here it was falling apart.... why?!

"That's ok.  I completely understand.  It's not your fault.  Thank you for letting me know".... was all I could get out before hanging up the phone.  I had already checked other places for this particular weekend (a Saturday) and they were all booked.  But I decided to check one more time to see if by some miracle another place had opened up.

Maybe for those of you that have me on facebook; you saw my post that morning.  I was DESPERATE for ideas on other places to go to for an ultrasound.

I had already checked with my doctor: no they weren't going to do one "just for fun"... so finding a hospital was out of the question.  Not only that but in the hospital settings they don't allow video recordings because it's a "liability".... and that was what I mainly wanted was to be able to record it.

So I searched. Called. Prayed. .... nothing.

Another clinic called back to say that this was the only weekend that both of the technicians were going to be out of town ... which NEVER happens!  ..... 

After nearly an hour I literally just gave it up.  I said, "Ok God. I completely trust that there's a reason it didn't work out and I'm ok with it". So instead I went to the local bookstore to find some encouraging Father's Day presents for Rob.  I stumbled across a couple books:

- the first was a "memoirs" book from a father to his kids and goes into questions from his childhood, favorite memories, best advice.... something I thought would be neat.

- the second book was called "God's Promises for Father's" .  Whether you believe in God or not.... whether you agree with the bible or not: keep an open mind.  The passages in there are AMAZING advice for Christians and non-Christians alike that offer amazing encouragement and quotes for parents.

As I was in the back of the store looking at scrapbook paper for his Memories Scrapbook (click to view photo) I got a phone call.  It was from an ultrasound clinic in Eau Claire and the sonographer - Jillian - called to tell me she could get us in that day.  I literally had tears streaming of joy streaming down my face in the bookstore.  I couldn't believe it. So I checked out my books and then left to pick up Rob and the boys.

The 2 hour drive to Eau Claire was the most pleasant time I've ever spent with Rob in a vehicle.  Both of the boys fell asleep and we just talked. There was no stress.  There was no hostility.  There was no tension.  It was relaxing just sitting there with him.  He showed me a book on his kindle called "Sniper One" about a group of British soldiers that had been deployed to the same place he had been in Iraq.  I started reading it during the drive until I got carsick (and I now have it on my kindle.  I recommend it if you're curious)  Some of the things I read about in there.... it just blows my mind.  It's absolutely no wonder he always wanted to have guns everywhere and was always looking around and "checking".

I'm not sure how many of you know this: but ever since last year, whenever Christopher and Ryan were outside... they would "look" for a sister.  Everybody's heard of those funny stories of "where babies come from".... right?  Well Rob's dad had a good one.  He told Rob that one day when he was out walking through the woods he found Rob in a tree stump and he brought him home and that's where he came from!  So for the longest time Rob told Christopher that he found him under a rock and he found Ryan in a tree stump.  I'm sure you can see where this is going.... they would go outside and overturn rocks and look in trees just checking for a sister.

In fact - when I find the picture - I'll post that to a blog.  One day while my mom was living with us she came back to the house telling me how the boys were intent in just flipping large boulders over the entire time they were playing outside and I had to explain to her what they were doing.  I have the funniest picture!  So they started praying for a sister.  Christopher told me one day that he was praying for a sister because "daddy needed a girl" and God told him that he would give him a sister.

I suppose this is where his conviction came from.  

They have been praying for a sister for a year.  

Some day maybe I'll tell you the whole story on it.... let's just say I don't think it was a coincidence.

The look on all of their faces when they found out it was a sister was priceless.  I wish the footage hadn't been so dark: their grins were huge!

After the ultrasound we went out to eat and then when we got back to the lake house I was ready to send the boys off with hugs and leave for home but was pleasantly surprised when Rob asked if I wanted to stay a little bit. 

So I agreed and we all watched Scooby Doo.

Even if it was only for 7 hours that day: it was 7 wonderful hours together as a family.

Because no matter what: there's always a little piece of your heart missing when you're not all together.

Having every member of my family under the same roof?  Knowing our little baby is the sister the boys have been praying for?  That day couldn't have felt more complete.

It was a good day.

I left Rob and the boys that evening not in sadness; but in peace. In happiness. I left to work on the scrapbook for him (something I'm STILL working on.... let me tell you: this thing is QUITE THE PROJECT!  But I'm very happy with how it's turning out). I left knowing that while things might not be "ok" right now: God has a plan for everything. All I need is the patience to see it through in HIS timing (NOT MINE!)

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The next day: Sunday... FATHER'S DAY

I got ready, made cupcakes, made egg-bake to bring over for breakfast, and picked the boys up for church.

The boys made Father's Day Cards in church that said, "I'm hooked on daddy" (click here to view picture) then I dropped them back off at the lake house after it was done so I could go pick up his gifts, frost the cupcakes (click here to view photo of them) , and bring over the taco fixings for lunch.  The boys handpicked out their cards for him and gave them to him.  I enjoyed making lunch for my family. I never realized how much I actually enjoyed cooking for Rob....

the walking tacos with venison that we processed ourselves were AMAZING.

And as you can see from the videos we spent the rest of the day fishing, relaxing, and the boys just enjoyed their time with daddy.  I was going to leave but he asked me to stay again - and I wasn't going to say no.  I can't imagine how he must be feeling right now.  Actually.... I can if it's anything close to how I was feeling.

You force yourself to go numb because feeling nothing is better than feeling pain.

You get caught up in what was "wrong" or what "won't work" instead of trusting God and focusing on what IS working.

You lose faith.  You let your fear of getting hurt and of what could go wrong squash the potential of what can go right... if you just open up your heart.

But once you've been hurt; opening up your heart is easier said than done.

You shut down emotionally and shut the other person out to protect yourself. 

It's exactly how I felt when he came up to visit in February.  

I felt weird and awkward.  Like I wanted him there........but I didn't. 

So I totally know where he's at right now.

I just pray that he can understand someday why I left.

I pray he knows how much he's loved and missed and how much these kids need him: the healthy version of him. 

Notice I didn't say 'perfect' - because NOBODY is perfect.... ESPECIALLY not me!

These kids don't need perfection: they just need him to continue to focus on himself and getting himself better first so then he can focus on being a dad. 

I don't even know if he realizes it but he was SO much more relaxed....  I could see the stress all over him before we left.  Part of the reason I knew we had to go: it's not like he could walk away from his job in the military when he's under a contract.  He couldn't get rid of the physical pain.  Something had to give.  But this past weekend?  He just enjoyed being with them.  He played, laughed, gave them a bath, tucked them in, made s'mores.  Things he was too stressed to do before with school, work, battling PTSD, and doing it all without help from medication or counselors.  It's no wonder why there was a relapse.  So seeing him with them just filled my heart.  They haven't been happier and they can't stop talking about it. They miss him so much.

My prayer for him is that he realizes how much he's loved and supported.

I pray he realizes how important it is for the kids to have him in their lives.... how much they need him in their lives.

I pray he never settles for "ok".

At the end of the day: no matter what.... he's still my best friend.

I still love him.

And I'm never going to give up on him. Ever. 

He's loved and missed every single day.

Thank you all for the love and support our family has received.

I can't say enough how much we appreciate the kind emails, messages, and comments. 

Thanks for reading and letting me share in our family's journey <3

It's not perfect.... but it's life!