The $100 Lesson That My Phone Taught Me

CLICK HERE to go to NEW BLOG!

As most of you (hopefully) have already figured out: I've been "solo parenting" for nearly a year now.... by choice.
Unfortunately the hardest one I've ever had to make.
I hate the term "single mom" because I'm not technically single.  I just dislike it.

LINKS: Why I Walked Away   and    Monster in my Marriage
(you will be taken to the NEW ProjectEvolveLife Blog!)

If you haven't been to the blog before or you want a little insight as to WHY I Walked Away:
those two posts might be helpful.
And before you start reading: it's not because I hate my husband or because he's some terrible person.
Quite the opposite, in fact. Which is why it was incredibly hard.
I love that man and we miss him every single day.... more than he can ever imagine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday was a rough day.
It's been a little bit more of an emotional roller coaster the past month and it's definitely been a fight to stay grounded, focused, and positive. It honestly takes time during the day where I have to simply focus on staying in the right mindset otherwise I could easily get swept away by the feelings and emotions that I'm having. (Some of which I am quite sure are due to surging hormones!)
I have to remember that I'm not ALWAYS going to have a belly that gets uncomfortably in the way of doing dishes: so instead of complaining.... just sit down and enjoy it because in a few weeks that little bump housing my princess will be gone and I'll miss it.
Instead of focusing on not having somebody there to cuddle up next to I have to think of how grateful I am that I can be 9 months pregnant (nearly) and able to sprawl out and take up the ENTIRE bed.
See what I mean? I've literally had to shift my thinking.

Things have not been easy: far from it!
But I've taken comfort in the fact that no pain is wasted.
Every tear that's fallen has a purpose and is going to be put to use.
Right now it's like I'm smack-dab in the middle of the book... the anxious chapters where all of the drama happens with plot highs (and lows). Reminding myself of that daily is crucial.
This is NOT the ending.... even though some days I question it and it certainly feels like it.
Some days I honestly just want to sit, quit, and fold my cards because I don't know how in the world I can take one more day of it. I think to myself,
"Oh how much easier to just call it quits. Give up. Move away. Nothing I'm doing is making a difference anyways"
But that's just stupidity (and being human!) Nothing goes away simply because you ignore it.

So yesterday:
was one of those low plot-points in this story.
(when I finally have that book written.... I'll put more in there. This blog: this is just a little window.  A sneak peek into what's going on.  A way to make sure I never get buried again in feeling like I have to hide what's going on in my life or be ashamed of the struggles I've been going through!)
I was frustrated at a phone call.
I let myself get offended and I let my feelings be hurt by words and actions.
..... or rather: inactions.
(because: yes. Whether you agree with me or not... something I've learned is that taking offense and having your feelings hurt is a CHOICE.)

I got upset.
SUPER upset.
I wasn't in a good mindset: I wasn't balanced.
I let myself get caught in the moment.
I stopped trusting the bigger plan.
I had a moment of weakness.
I focused on the short-term why and what if.
I let my brain get stuck on, "this isn't fair! This isn't right!"
I lost my focus that THIS is not the ending. There is a bigger purpose!
When you lose that focus?
....  Things like this happen: you allow yourself (or rather I allowed MYSELF)
to be swept away in the heat of the moment.
I got extremely emotional and upset and mad and sad and frustrated.
I only saw the bad: how is it fair that having Lia is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but - as it stands now - it's also going to be one of the most difficult times?
I focused on that.
So what did I do?
I took it out on my poor phone.
I didn't want to hear what was coming out of the phone anymore so I slammed it down as hard as I possibly could. In all theories.... it SHOULD'VE shattered beyond recognition by the amount of force I used on it.
.... nope.

Because when I picked it up: guess what? it was still functioning and he was still on the other line.
I was so mad. And at this point all I had accomplished was now not being able to turn it off or hang up.
I don't even remember what was said at the end I was so beyond myself and upset.
So I pitched that phone down the stairs where it promptly met the concrete floor of the basement.
My phone cover shattered into approximately 48 plastic shards all over.
and I just stood at the top of the stairs feeling incredibly stupid.
I realized: all of my pictures. All of my videos of my kids are on there.....
Then I wanted to just sit and cry some more because I was so mad at myself.

But that's when I heard a sound.
I could see pieces of my phone laying on the ground in the dark basement.
And I couldn't put it together.... where was that sound coming from and what was it?
I slowly started to walk down the stairs and as I got closer I noticed that I was hearing music.
I kept going and bent down to pick up each of the plastic pieces of shattered phone cover before locating the "large" part of my phone.
When I picked it up I realized it was playing my positive hits playlist.
Here's the song that was playing over my shattered, broken phone....
I encourage you to hit play and close your eyes and just listen to this song in its entirety.
It isn't just for me or about me.
It's for everyone who might be going through something right now and you're feeling overwhelmed.
I hope it gives you the same feeling it gave me:



I broke down and sobbed on the steps clutching this broken phone that - no matter how hard it was thrown or how much it came up against.... how shattered it was on the outside...  it refused to quit.
Instead it reminded me of where I should be focused right now.
I sat there on the steps crying listening to this shattered, broken phone continue to play songs that spoke right to my heart.



I realized I want to be like my phone and I'm going to think of it whenever I feel like I can't take any more.
I'm going to remember that no matter how many times you get thrown, smashed, shattered, or broken: you can still find a reason to sing.
You can still find a reason to have hope.
You can find a way to praise Him in the storm.
...remembering that He's bigger  than anything you might possibly be going through right now.

I hope my $100 lesson helps you a little, too.
(It was $100 because of the cost to replace the phone!)
Remember: whatever you're going through right now.... you're not alone.
You are loved more than you can imagine.
You have a purpose.
What you're going through has a purpose.
This is just the middle of the book: it's not the ending.

Thanks for reading and letting me share my journey: weaknesses and all!
PS - Thank God.... my phone held a charge long enough for me to plug it in and miraculously I was able to download all of the pictures and videos off of it and transfer them to my external hard drive before it turned off.
If you'd like to see the last video I took before this all went down: here it is  <3 

Days Like Today ....

Days like today have me feeling angry and sad and frustrated all at the same time.
Yes - I said it.  I'm not 100% all of the time... although I am very grateful for the strength I've had throughout this entire thing and I seriously attribute that to all of the prayers and support my family has been receiving.
People have literally come up to me and said:
 "How are you fine? I don't understand how you're o.k. I wouldn't be ok."

... well. It's simple: because I have to be.
I have to function.
I have to still be a mom.
I have to take care of myself.
Things don't stop just because I hit a speedbump on the road of life.

 Another thing I've discovered that's really helped is that JOY is a choice. GRATITUDE is a choice. Sure: happiness can be outwardly dependent on your circumstances; but joy?
 Joy is this.... THING ... that comes from within.
 It's an inner light that no matter what goes on around you: it can't be dimmed.
 And you can choose joy every single day.

 Even though the world may be crumbling you can choose to focus on what ISN'T crumbling and what you're grateful for. That doesn't mean that you won't feel sadness... I know it seems contradictory. You can feel sadness but still have joy on the inside. I don't know how to explain it. Which is how even though I know that on Days Like Today I may feel sad; it's only temporary.

 Because overall I am SO grateful for my kids, my baby, my health, my home, my job, my friends, and everything else in my life. I honestly feel so humbled and blessed by the opportunity (yes - I am calling this "season of life" an opportunity!) because it's helped me grow so much as a person in ways that I know I wouldn't have been able to any other way. Something I won't do, though, is try to be tougher than I am. I'm not going to hide the fact that yes: I do have days like today.

Days where all I want to do is snuggle up in bed in a pair of big, manly arms and just close my eyes and fall asleep.
Days where I really could use a kiss on the forehead.
Days where it would be SO nice to have somebody here to take over so that I could get a break, take a nap, and just breathe for a little bit.



 Especially on days like today when I'm feeling... eh.. from being 31 weeks pregnant and feeling under-the-weather.
I'm feeling hormonal and a little apprehensive.
I am VERY grateful, though, that this has been such a breeze of a pregnancy. Like I said before in my vlogs : I didn't even feel pregnant until recently!
My back doesn't hurt. I sleep for 6-8 hour stretches at night. My energy and moods have been stable.

But in the past week my allergies have been so bad that my eyes started to gel shut every time I go outdoors and I feel like an absolute failure having to succumb to taking over-the-counter medication to help relieve symptoms.  I know it sounds stupid and some people say, "Yeah? So what!" But... ugh!  I HATE it so much that I have to take this stuff! I honestly tried everything I could think to help naturally and everything that usually works (local honey, no dairy / wheat / food allergens homeopathic nasal spray).... wouldn't touch it. I sneezed 47 times in a row. I sneezed my contact out! 

 Thankfully so far the medication seems to be helping (hopefully by tomorrow I can hear out of my ear!)
The only downside is that it makes me very, VERY drowsy: not so bad when you have a significant other who can come home and take over for you so you can get some rest.
But I obviously don't right now.
 It forces you to get really ... creative... when you're single parenting.

 So today I took the boys to the park and had them run run run to burn off energy and then prayed and prayed and PRAYED that they would actually sleep (Thank you God; they did!) Divide and conquer, my friends. Divide - And - Conquer. Write that down. It's how you win in the single parenting world. I put Christopher in their room and stuffed Ryan in my bed and ZONKED OUT.

 SIDENOTE: never pass out next to a 3-year-old who has a sticker album. He will decorate your face and you won't notice until hours later when you just happen to glance up at your reflection and see little dino eggs and t-rexes adorning your forehead and cheeks.

I woke up feeling a little better. Just ... out of it. 
I'm sure that's contributed to my dip in the happy mood levels!
Not only that but the local pool here is closed (has been for 5 days and won't reopen for another 5 days. UGH!) and that's pretty much the only exercise I can comfortably get in.  

I've also been getting hit a little harder emotionally.  I'm sure part of it is hormones and part of it is because I know that the next time we see Rob will be when our little girl is making her entrance. As excited as that thought makes me to have her here... it also leaves me feeling apprehensive. When I was pregnant with Christopher I had a significant other who was "there"; but... NOT there. At all. He was completely unsupportive. For those of you who read THAT story of mine when it was up.... you know what I'm talking about.

He wanted me to have an abortion.  Wanted me to give Christopher up for adoption (even 3 weeks AFTER I had already had him.)  Never came to an appointment. Nothing. 
That part of my life was what I thought - at the time - to be the most difficult thing in my life. 
Going through pregnancy alone and then delivery and then parenting alone: was something I never envisioned to have happen in my life.  Much less twice by two different people. But here I am. 

For whatever reason these are the cards I have been dealt.
I am grateful for that experience because I know that I DO have the strength to do this. 
It's just not something I really WANT to do. 
More than anything in the world I would want our family to be together for that. 
But that's not my call.

And on days like today; those emotions catch up with me. I've learned to process them, feel them, then let them go. 

The crazy thing that makes me feel hopeful and excited about days like today?
.... I know that as bad as these days are: that just means that my good days are going to be EVEN better.  

Because I know that when God restores He doesn't do it to former glory.  He replaces it with something EVEN BETTER. That's one of His promises.
You don't believe in God? 
Ok. Scientifically for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, correct? 
Yes. You can't argue with that.  Those are facts.
So for every bad day that means there's an equal and opposite GOOD day coming. 
So bring it on. Give me the worst of the worst because that just means that someday I'll have the best of the best   : ) 

---> Always a silver lining. 

Thank you so much for reading and letting me share my REAL, honest, journey with you.
Thank you for your support and feedback.
Thank you for keeping my family in your thoughts and prayers.

My Birthday

Today marked a big day for me:

turning a quarter of a century old... in physical years anyways ;) 

in life experiences? I have to be at least 45.

But I will always be young at heart and goofy.  There's no wondering where that came from:  it's genetic.  If you spent 5 minutes with my father you'd know what I'm talking about.  He is the biggest grown-up kid that I know: he still plays on the playground at the park, and he had these horrible, AWFUL green velvet tennis racket pants that he wore with this chili pepper shirt and funky glasses.  Why?  Oh just because he thought it was entertaining. 

I hear that staying young at heart, though, helps you live longer.  One of those nuggets of wisdom that I received from an elderly woman that I didn't know and I have since locked it away in my mental treasure chest of wisdom that I've stored up from various encounters over the years.  So maybe all of this goofiness means I'm going to live to be a very old lady.  I would be ok with that.

I woke up this morning to Ryan (my 3-year-old) who had slept in my bed last night for some snuggles.  He managed to take over my entire bed and I was left with just the tiniest sliver. How does that even happen?! I have to say those cherub cheeks and angel eyes were a nice way to wake up, though.  I laid in bed listening to the rain sprinkling outside and took sime time to really think about how much things have changed - drastically - for me over the past few years.  It's actually incredible how fast it's all happened.

7 years ago: I had just graduated high school and was out camping when somebody called the police on us & I spent a couple hours that night hanging off the side of a cliff to avoid getting an underage drinking ticket. (This is also where I met .... well.... we'll get into that later)

6 years ago:  I got my nose pierced and spent the rest of the evening with my then-boyfriend.  Not knowing that I *technically* was already pregnant! 

5 years ago:  Wow had my life changed! I now had a 2 1/2 month old!  My birthday night was spent awake on and off feeding him during the night and emailing my (at-the-time) friend Rob.  He was the only one I told about what had been going on in my life: kicking my boyfriend out.  Being a single mom....

4 years ago: I got married to my friend (Rob) in March and had moved 10 hours away from my home-state of Wisconsin to Kansas where my husband was stationed at Fort Riley!  We went to a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant in Junction City, KS and then I purchased my first 6-pack of alcohol - LEGALLY - and didn't even get carded!  I put Christopher to bed and felt sad as I sat on my back porch alone... see I had already started to notice "things" that I hadn't seen when we were dating.... my husband was becoming withdrawn and frequently ignored me.  So as he sat in our house staring at the wall (no joke) I felt sad drinking 2 wine coolers on my back porch.  HOWEVER; things have a funny way of working out.... this is also when I first met / talked to a neighbor that has become one of my closest friends. And had I not been sitting outside & moping we probably wouldn't have started talking! 

(Little did I know that I was about to become pregnant with #2!)

3 years ago: WHOA now I had 2 kids!  Christopher was 2 and Ryan was 1.5 months old and I spent my birthday evening in and out of the ER with him for his extreme colic (the doctor said it was the worst they'd ever seen) and then bouncing him in a baby carrier the rest of the night while listening to classic rock.... the ONLY music he would sleep to! 

2 years ago: Things had escalated with my husband's PTSD (read: The Monster in My Marriage and Why I Walked Away if you need to be caught up in this area!)  Fearing for my safety I left to come up to Wisconsin.  This is the day I got a phone call - while I was out listening to a band with my stepmom & stepsister - saying he wanted a divorce and nothing to do with me..... I got screamed at..... whew. Heartbreaking.  Not a good birthday in my books. I sort've lost it.  I downward spiraled.  I sought relief in the wrong places. 

1 year ago: Turns out I was wearing the same green, strapless dress I'm wearing right now!  It was actually a good day.... a really good day.  I got to do a little birthday shopping, my husband had received treatment for PTSD and things had started to look up.  This was one of those days where I would hold onto that memory: we were a family.  He bought me a present (granted it was a pistol: but hey!  It was a start! This was coming from the guy who had NEVER bought a birthday present or card for anyone prior to marrying me.  He was also worried about me living alone in the country with mountain lions, people breaking into our property, and him leaving for a month....)  My Christopher put a tiara on my head and had me wear it because he said I looked like a Princess.  Rob cooked me a delicious dinner and we had a lovely, amazing, wonderful day.  Great memories.  I relaxed in the hammock in the yard..... 

And today:  I woke up and made my Great Grandma's Secret Family recipe for Crepes after running to the grocery store in my chevron rainboots that I got for 1/2 off on zulily ;) 

Then I made lemon raspberry cupcakes.....SO DELICIOUS!  At one point Ryan was double fisting a whisk and a spatula and was covered up to his elbows in pink batter - how cute is that? Then I booked an appointment at The Wellness Spa in Stevens Point (click here for the blog on my experience there!) and my Grandparents from the U.P. (upper peninsula - aka YOOPERS) got into town and then we all met up for dinner at The Branding Iron later that evening and I ordered a gigantic, juicy, amazing, delicious steak!

Both of the boys looked like handsome little gentlemen in their plaid button-up shirts.  Ryan with his curls and freckled cheeks and Christpher with his handsome, charming face.  I just love those two so much.  I'm lucky to be their mom!  And it's so nice that Christopher's hair is growing back.  Oh my gosh.... I still cringe thinking about having to fix the "Nail Clipper Incident" .....

No : I do NOT eat meat often.... extremely rare occurance, in fact.  But; this.....was.....amazing.

(And for those of you that don't know: I go by an 80/20 philosophy  Once I do a blog post on it and why I chose this I'll post the link here _________ )

PS - for whatever reason this baby has me craving meat.... steak in particular!  Isn't that weird?!  

It was a good night.  I got a birthday card from my loves. 

My mom and Grandma picked me out some yummy chocolate and I got the cutest little owl decor.

There IS one thing that could've made it better..... but that's ok.  I'm happy.  

I'm relaxing. I'm hopeful.  I'm grateful.

and I'm feeling so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Strangers, friends, acquaintances, family... 

no amount of material things could ever replace that. 

As always - thanks so much for reading and allowing me to share my journey with you. 

If you would like to leave a comment you can do that at the main page by clicking here

Want to see some pictures from today?.. I've uploaded some photos from today to the photos page on my site and on my public album on Facebook. ust click the links and a new window will pop up so you can view them.  

Did I mention how excited I am to be able to add more than one photo to a blog?!  

It's going to ROCK! Counting down the days....

#NerdyAndProud