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The $100 Lesson That My Phone Taught Me

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As most of you (hopefully) have already figured out: I've been "solo parenting" for nearly a year now.... by choice.
Unfortunately the hardest one I've ever had to make.
I hate the term "single mom" because I'm not technically single.  I just dislike it.

LINKS: Why I Walked Away   and    Monster in my Marriage
(you will be taken to the NEW ProjectEvolveLife Blog!)

If you haven't been to the blog before or you want a little insight as to WHY I Walked Away:
those two posts might be helpful.
And before you start reading: it's not because I hate my husband or because he's some terrible person.
Quite the opposite, in fact. Which is why it was incredibly hard.
I love that man and we miss him every single day.... more than he can ever imagine.
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Yesterday was a rough day.
It's been a little bit more of an emotional roller coaster the past month and it's definitely been a fight to stay grounded, focused, and positive. It honestly takes time during the day where I have to simply focus on staying in the right mindset otherwise I could easily get swept away by the feelings and emotions that I'm having. (Some of which I am quite sure are due to surging hormones!)
I have to remember that I'm not ALWAYS going to have a belly that gets uncomfortably in the way of doing dishes: so instead of complaining.... just sit down and enjoy it because in a few weeks that little bump housing my princess will be gone and I'll miss it.
Instead of focusing on not having somebody there to cuddle up next to I have to think of how grateful I am that I can be 9 months pregnant (nearly) and able to sprawl out and take up the ENTIRE bed.
See what I mean? I've literally had to shift my thinking.

Things have not been easy: far from it!
But I've taken comfort in the fact that no pain is wasted.
Every tear that's fallen has a purpose and is going to be put to use.
Right now it's like I'm smack-dab in the middle of the book... the anxious chapters where all of the drama happens with plot highs (and lows). Reminding myself of that daily is crucial.
This is NOT the ending.... even though some days I question it and it certainly feels like it.
Some days I honestly just want to sit, quit, and fold my cards because I don't know how in the world I can take one more day of it. I think to myself,
"Oh how much easier to just call it quits. Give up. Move away. Nothing I'm doing is making a difference anyways"
But that's just stupidity (and being human!) Nothing goes away simply because you ignore it.

So yesterday:
was one of those low plot-points in this story.
(when I finally have that book written.... I'll put more in there. This blog: this is just a little window.  A sneak peek into what's going on.  A way to make sure I never get buried again in feeling like I have to hide what's going on in my life or be ashamed of the struggles I've been going through!)
I was frustrated at a phone call.
I let myself get offended and I let my feelings be hurt by words and actions.
..... or rather: inactions.
(because: yes. Whether you agree with me or not... something I've learned is that taking offense and having your feelings hurt is a CHOICE.)

I got upset.
SUPER upset.
I wasn't in a good mindset: I wasn't balanced.
I let myself get caught in the moment.
I stopped trusting the bigger plan.
I had a moment of weakness.
I focused on the short-term why and what if.
I let my brain get stuck on, "this isn't fair! This isn't right!"
I lost my focus that THIS is not the ending. There is a bigger purpose!
When you lose that focus?
....  Things like this happen: you allow yourself (or rather I allowed MYSELF)
to be swept away in the heat of the moment.
I got extremely emotional and upset and mad and sad and frustrated.
I only saw the bad: how is it fair that having Lia is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but - as it stands now - it's also going to be one of the most difficult times?
I focused on that.
So what did I do?
I took it out on my poor phone.
I didn't want to hear what was coming out of the phone anymore so I slammed it down as hard as I possibly could. In all theories.... it SHOULD'VE shattered beyond recognition by the amount of force I used on it.
.... nope.

Because when I picked it up: guess what? it was still functioning and he was still on the other line.
I was so mad. And at this point all I had accomplished was now not being able to turn it off or hang up.
I don't even remember what was said at the end I was so beyond myself and upset.
So I pitched that phone down the stairs where it promptly met the concrete floor of the basement.
My phone cover shattered into approximately 48 plastic shards all over.
and I just stood at the top of the stairs feeling incredibly stupid.
I realized: all of my pictures. All of my videos of my kids are on there.....
Then I wanted to just sit and cry some more because I was so mad at myself.

But that's when I heard a sound.
I could see pieces of my phone laying on the ground in the dark basement.
And I couldn't put it together.... where was that sound coming from and what was it?
I slowly started to walk down the stairs and as I got closer I noticed that I was hearing music.
I kept going and bent down to pick up each of the plastic pieces of shattered phone cover before locating the "large" part of my phone.
When I picked it up I realized it was playing my positive hits playlist.
Here's the song that was playing over my shattered, broken phone....
I encourage you to hit play and close your eyes and just listen to this song in its entirety.
It isn't just for me or about me.
It's for everyone who might be going through something right now and you're feeling overwhelmed.
I hope it gives you the same feeling it gave me:



I broke down and sobbed on the steps clutching this broken phone that - no matter how hard it was thrown or how much it came up against.... how shattered it was on the outside...  it refused to quit.
Instead it reminded me of where I should be focused right now.
I sat there on the steps crying listening to this shattered, broken phone continue to play songs that spoke right to my heart.



I realized I want to be like my phone and I'm going to think of it whenever I feel like I can't take any more.
I'm going to remember that no matter how many times you get thrown, smashed, shattered, or broken: you can still find a reason to sing.
You can still find a reason to have hope.
You can find a way to praise Him in the storm.
...remembering that He's bigger  than anything you might possibly be going through right now.

I hope my $100 lesson helps you a little, too.
(It was $100 because of the cost to replace the phone!)
Remember: whatever you're going through right now.... you're not alone.
You are loved more than you can imagine.
You have a purpose.
What you're going through has a purpose.
This is just the middle of the book: it's not the ending.

Thanks for reading and letting me share my journey: weaknesses and all!
PS - Thank God.... my phone held a charge long enough for me to plug it in and miraculously I was able to download all of the pictures and videos off of it and transfer them to my external hard drive before it turned off.
If you'd like to see the last video I took before this all went down: here it is  <3 

35 Weeks Pregnant with Baby #3

Here: let's do a little fun comparison...

here was me at 33 weeks with Christopher, 33 and then 35 weeks with Ryan :) 

(FYI: Christopher was 10 lbs 3 oz at birth and Ryan was 10 days early and 8 lbs 6 oz.... so had he gone full term he would've been very near 10 lbs, too!)

I, personally, do not feel as large as I did with either of the boys! 

I feel much more like how I was at 31 weeks with them. 

Maybe that's because I've been swimming this pregnancy and just feel better in general (not as sore and more energy!) or HOPEFULLY it's an indicator that the little princess is going to be a wee bit smaller in size than those big brothers of hers. 

PREGNANCY STATS:

- weight gain: approximately 15 lbs 

- she is head down and moves A LOT!

- Lia is very scheduled. She moves at certain times. Sleeps at specific times. I feel she is a peaceful baby with a mellow yet adamant spirit. I don't think it's going to be ANYTHING like what I experienced with the boys. She wakes at 4, 7, and 10 pm. Then from around 11:30 / midnight until 7:30 / 8:00 a.m. she is..... sleeping. 

- cravings: none

- cold: FINALLY completely gone

- still swimming (well...who am I kidding....still FLOATING!)  Next week I have us booked for 6 days of swimming. I want to be ready for labor / delivery!

- started drinking my delicious third trimester / labor prep tea and started Evening Primrose Oil regimen more on that here

- NESTED. Got baby's stuff all ready and the complete last of things was ordered for her. 

(batteries for swing, bottles washed and ready, still need to completely pack / re-pack labor bag, though)

I have also started doing some "birth affirmations".  Sounds corny, I know. 

But seriously: when I was pregnant with Christopher and during the labor / delivery I learned a lot about myself. I learned to trust my body instinctively. Prior to this week I tried to take 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes before bed to just silently lay there and think about little baby. Now I'm actively visualizing everything and a good labor. I REALLY want her to come out in a state of peace. I do not want a repeat colic baby like with  Ryan. Kid cried every waking moment and was in a baby carrier between 16 and 22 hours PER DAY for his first 3 months of life. The doctors actually kicked me out of the ER because he had such extreme colic but there was nothing medically wrong and nothing they could do for me. Yep.  So: I want a peaceful baby and I want to do everything I possibly can to ensure I get one :) 

Anyways. 

I also really want to do this labor / delivery naturally. 

I just think: why not.

I mean: I won't kick myself if I end up with an epidural or something comes up.

I just really feel I want to try out this whole self-affirming hypno thing I'm trying out. 

Harnessing the inner warrior goddess of untapped potential. 

Ok - not that extreme. But: you get it ;) 

I just had such a beautiful experience when Christopher came out and it's a memory I'll remember forever and ever and ever just absolutely imprinted on my heart.

With Ryan? Yeah. I didn't have that. 

And I want it again.

Anyhow. Off to bed for me and the munchkin.

Tomorrow's plans: working online on my site and getting everything set up so after I have her I can easily transition back into working from home with the right foundation.

Then you all can follow my post-baby body journey! (or whatever you want to call it!)

Thanks for reading and following along my journey. 

You might also be interested in:

-- Name Reveal

-- 34 weeks (baby #2)

-- 35 weeks (baby #1) Oh my gosh.... I can't believe how different I am now!  I was so ....shy back then! PS - DO NOT USE THAT LAUNDRY DETERGENT FROM MY VIDEO! AGHHH!!!

.....how little I knew then.  WWW.NONTOXICDIVA.COM 

Feel free to subscribe to my YouTube channel if you'd like!

It's where I put out new videos, random life moments, updates.... etc. 

Pretty much anything going on and then I organize them into playlists.

Been vloggin' since 2009! Can't believe how much things have changed since then....