Yes - I said it. I'm not 100% all of the time... although I am very grateful for the strength I've had throughout this entire thing and I seriously attribute that to all of the prayers and support my family has been receiving.
People have literally come up to me and said:
"How are you fine? I don't understand how you're o.k. I wouldn't be ok."
... well. It's simple: because I have to be.
I have to function.
I have to still be a mom.
I have to take care of myself.
Things don't stop just because I hit a speedbump on the road of life.
Another thing I've discovered that's really helped is that JOY is a choice. GRATITUDE is a choice. Sure: happiness can be outwardly dependent on your circumstances; but joy?
Joy is this.... THING ... that comes from within.
It's an inner light that no matter what goes on around you: it can't be dimmed.
And you can choose joy every single day.
Even though the world may be crumbling you can choose to focus on what ISN'T crumbling and what you're grateful for. That doesn't mean that you won't feel sadness... I know it seems contradictory. You can feel sadness but still have joy on the inside. I don't know how to explain it. Which is how even though I know that on Days Like Today I may feel sad; it's only temporary.
Because overall I am SO grateful for my kids, my baby, my health, my home, my job, my friends, and everything else in my life. I honestly feel so humbled and blessed by the opportunity (yes - I am calling this "season of life" an opportunity!) because it's helped me grow so much as a person in ways that I know I wouldn't have been able to any other way. Something I won't do, though, is try to be tougher than I am. I'm not going to hide the fact that yes: I do have days like today.
Days where all I want to do is snuggle up in bed in a pair of big, manly arms and just close my eyes and fall asleep.
Days where I really could use a kiss on the forehead.
Days where it would be SO nice to have somebody here to take over so that I could get a break, take a nap, and just breathe for a little bit.
Especially on days like today when I'm feeling... eh.. from being 31 weeks pregnant and feeling under-the-weather.
I'm feeling hormonal and a little apprehensive.
I am VERY grateful, though, that this has been such a breeze of a pregnancy. Like I said before in my vlogs : I didn't even feel pregnant until recently!
My back doesn't hurt. I sleep for 6-8 hour stretches at night. My energy and moods have been stable.
But in the past week my allergies have been so bad that my eyes started to gel shut every time I go outdoors and I feel like an absolute failure having to succumb to taking over-the-counter medication to help relieve symptoms. I know it sounds stupid and some people say, "Yeah? So what!" But... ugh! I HATE it so much that I have to take this stuff! I honestly tried everything I could think to help naturally and everything that usually works (local honey, no dairy / wheat / food allergens homeopathic nasal spray).... wouldn't touch it. I sneezed 47 times in a row. I sneezed my contact out!
Thankfully so far the medication seems to be helping (hopefully by tomorrow I can hear out of my ear!)
The only downside is that it makes me very, VERY drowsy: not so bad when you have a significant other who can come home and take over for you so you can get some rest.
But I obviously don't right now.
It forces you to get really ... creative... when you're single parenting.
So today I took the boys to the park and had them run run run to burn off energy and then prayed and prayed and PRAYED that they would actually sleep (Thank you God; they did!) Divide and conquer, my friends. Divide - And - Conquer. Write that down. It's how you win in the single parenting world. I put Christopher in their room and stuffed Ryan in my bed and ZONKED OUT.
SIDENOTE: never pass out next to a 3-year-old who has a sticker album. He will decorate your face and you won't notice until hours later when you just happen to glance up at your reflection and see little dino eggs and t-rexes adorning your forehead and cheeks.
I woke up feeling a little better. Just ... out of it.
I'm sure that's contributed to my dip in the happy mood levels!
Not only that but the local pool here is closed (has been for 5 days and won't reopen for another 5 days. UGH!) and that's pretty much the only exercise I can comfortably get in.
I've also been getting hit a little harder emotionally. I'm sure part of it is hormones and part of it is because I know that the next time we see Rob will be when our little girl is making her entrance. As excited as that thought makes me to have her here... it also leaves me feeling apprehensive. When I was pregnant with Christopher I had a significant other who was "there"; but... NOT there. At all. He was completely unsupportive. For those of you who read THAT story of mine when it was up.... you know what I'm talking about.
He wanted me to have an abortion. Wanted me to give Christopher up for adoption (even 3 weeks AFTER I had already had him.) Never came to an appointment. Nothing.
That part of my life was what I thought - at the time - to be the most difficult thing in my life.
Going through pregnancy alone and then delivery and then parenting alone: was something I never envisioned to have happen in my life. Much less twice by two different people. But here I am.
For whatever reason these are the cards I have been dealt.
I am grateful for that experience because I know that I DO have the strength to do this.
It's just not something I really WANT to do.
More than anything in the world I would want our family to be together for that.
But that's not my call.
And on days like today; those emotions catch up with me. I've learned to process them, feel them, then let them go.
The crazy thing that makes me feel hopeful and excited about days like today?
.... I know that as bad as these days are: that just means that my good days are going to be EVEN better.
Because I know that when God restores He doesn't do it to former glory. He replaces it with something EVEN BETTER. That's one of His promises.
You don't believe in God?
Ok. Scientifically for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, correct?
Yes. You can't argue with that. Those are facts.
So for every bad day that means there's an equal and opposite GOOD day coming.
So bring it on. Give me the worst of the worst because that just means that someday I'll have the best of the best : )
---> Always a silver lining.
Thank you so much for reading and letting me share my REAL, honest, journey with you.
Thank you for your support and feedback.
Thank you for keeping my family in your thoughts and prayers.
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