19 Weeks Pregnant - Ultrasound & Update

The days leading up to yesterday were filled with anticipation and sleepless nights as I anxiously awaited the arrival of my anatomy scan yesterday morning (the halfway ultrasound where you usually get a peek at the gender!) 

 I had a hard time falling asleep as my brain zinged around picturing how my baby might look..... is baby a he or a she?  What boys names do I (we) like? 
 What girls names?  

I woke up Wednesday morning after having a very vivid dream that baby is a boy.

I imagined the look on the boys' faces if they find out that their long-awaited "little sister" (they'd been praying for over a year) is actually a brother!  In fact, when I brought the statistical 50/50 chance to their attention, they both somberly retreated to their room; after which they came out approximately 15 minutes later and had very obviously hatched a genius plan if this were the case.  The boys came out of their room with linked arms - joined forces - to let me know of their genius plan.  If the baby was a brother then what we could (very sensibly) do was sell him to buy a small white puppy (so our dog, Charley, could have a dog friend) and then we could go to the grocery store and simpy order a sister!

 ..... that made me giggle.

 You can't argue with the logic of small children. 

As I sat in the waiting room for my appointment, my excitement started to mix with a twinge of another emotion.  I looked around at all of the couples sitting with each other with giddy smiles on their faces. The man protectively placing a hand on his pregnant loved one's back to gently guide her along and holding the doors open for her.  The look on the young couple's faces as they sat gleaming at the ultrasound pictures of their baby.  I felt slightly envious.  A little sad even.  This is definitely not something I ever envisioned going through.... again.  And certainly not with the person that I love. 

I know that I made the right decision -- for all of us -- he had relapsed with the PTSD and needed to continue to get help.... and until then it simply wasn't a healthy environment for the boys or I. But somehow knowing it was the right decision doesn't necessarily make it easier or change the fact ....I'm still alone now.  It's at times when I feel sad like that, I have to consciously turn my thinking towards the positives otherwise I am sure I would be sucked into a funk! (Like I said: this healing is a CONSCIOUS EFFORT!  Surrounding myself with positive people, listening to only positive music, processing my emotions)  And I couldn't stay sad long yesterday:  I was far too excited to see that beautiful, precious, healthy little baby squirming around: it is such an overhwelming emotion of awe to see that little life on the black and white screen. (and did I mention that I am pretty sure I know the gender!?!  YAY! Stay tuned for the gender reveal!)

I found out that baby is COMPLETELY healthy! 

He / she is measuring ahead of schedule for growth & weight  and is estimated at just under 1 lb already! No surprise there considering the size of the big brothers!  It's hard to believe that this pregnancy is already halfway over with already.... I cannot believe how quickly it is flying by.  I am certain that the rest of it will continue to do so and I intend to savor every little moment   :) 

When baby starts squirming around I just lay there and feel him / her moving.  It's so beatiful.

It's also a little bittersweet sometimes: for so long my husband and I  had talked about having another baby:  and now that we are?  Well.... just goes to show you that even the best laid plans can change.

  My heart does grieve for the moments he's missing (with the boys and this baby) but I am working on coming to terms with the fact that you cannot make yourself responsible for another's actions or happiness. 

Right now - today - I feel angry.  I'm angry that instead of getting help for the relapse with the PTSD; he has seemingly succumbed to the belief that the PTSD is just "who he is".... far from the truth.  I'm frustrated.  Mainly because no matter what: you can't make somebody want to work on things.  You can't make them get help.  You can't make them care about you.  You can't make them want to be with you or their family.  You can't make them do anything.

I guess it just puts it into perspective that there are things we simply cannot control.  The only thing I can control at this point is what I, personally, decide to do with the cards I've been dealt.

And I choose to continue to love and hope: for our family and for his healing.

The part that gets to me the most are the innocent victims of the PTSD: the children.  They're the innocent bystanders caught up in the explosion. I have been doing emotionally o.k. since posting my first blogs and focusing on my own healing (which - as I said - takes WORK and FOCUS!)  but today was a rough day.  A day when I just let the emotions come and dealt with them as they showed up because I know the price of keeping them stuffed down!

I cried in the car on the way back from baby shopping because I knew I wasn't coming home to share in the excitement of adorable outfits for our baby with my husband.

I cried because today I could really use a loving hug and a back massage.... I remember him talking to my pregnant belly with Ryan.

I cried because when the pregnancy update came up on my phone's app it said on the bottom to continue to get love, hugs, kisses, and encouragement from my partner.  It just got to me: all of the recommended things to do with my significant other this week to prepare for our baby...

 -------> The writers of these apps obviously don't take into account the single mothers out there.

I just sat there at the red light with tears streaming down my face; acutely aware of the passengers in other vehicles just staring at me as we were stopped.... and I was ok with it.  I'm not going to have it together every single second of every single day.  Some days are going to be rougher than others.

(I'm sure the surging of pregnancy hormones certainly don't help the Niagara Falls coming from my eye sockets!) 

But at the end of the day: I have SO much to be grateful for. 

I am grateful that I have my beautiful kids with me everyday and I get to enjoy every precious moment with them.  I cannot imagine one day looking back and realizing that I willingly missed out.

I am grateful for my faith: because right now... without it?  I would be nothing.  My faith gives me hope and it's what keeps me going when all I really want to do is crumble up into a ball.  I can honestly say that without the hope I have in my heart I wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning.

I am grateful for my healthy baby.

I am grateful for the strength I am finding.

I am grateful for the support and knowing that I am not alone.

I know I will continue to have days that are tougher and I intend to be prepared for them: it's the best thing I can do.  Have a Game Plan.  I know that my own personal healing is a process and as the days go by there's going to be things I deal with that haven't come up yet.

So I relaxed today.  Listened to my positive songs playlist.  I napped when the boys napped.  I just "felt it out" and let the emotions come.