31 Weeks Pregnant : Baby Number 3

I cannot believe I am 31 weeks pregnant.

Seems like just last week I was finding out on my trip to Orlando in the bathroom of a Wawa gas station! (Don't ask me why. ... gas stations seem to be a popular place for me to pee on a stick! I found out with Christopher in the bathroom of kwik trip).

I do have the live footage of me finding out immediately and my reaction.
If I get enough comments / interest maybe I'll post it! ;) ..... you can DEFINITELY tell it's raw footage and I was. .... a LITTLE SHOCKED to say the least!

Things to do yet:
- find a rock-n-play that I like
- install carseat
- prepare labor bag / diaper bag
... its weird not having a nursery to decorate. But I'm ok with it for now!  Since I nursed for a couple months neither of the boys slept in their rooms for the first couple of months anyways.
I will be SUPER excited to finally get into a place and decorate a room for her,  though!

CRAVINGS: ...none. (still can't stand lettuce or spinach, though. So weird)
COMPLAINTS: a little tired & extra hormonal. ... but that's it.
She moves like crazy, though!
I've never experienced anything like it.

I think she is going to be very scheduled yet mellow baby. Since 20 weeks her sleeping / waking has been extremely regimented. At night she moves around 4 pm, 7 pm, and 10 pm. Then from midnight to 8 a.m. all is quiet! Hence the reason I get 6-8 hrs of sleep at night still (no - I don't wake to pee!)  I would be ok if this continued ;) after the last two this momma could stand a break!

(Fun fact: I actually got kicked out of the doctor with Ryan and they told me there was nothing they could do: that I would just have to wait it out because medically he was fine! It was just the worst case of colic they'd ever seen. Yeah.... I don't talk about that period much. It was INTENSE!)

Hope Y'ALL are enjoying the beginning of fall ;)
(I can say that now since I officially lived in the south for 4 years)

Would love to connect with you! 

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Instagram: @evolvesara

Days Like Today ....

Days like today have me feeling angry and sad and frustrated all at the same time.
Yes - I said it.  I'm not 100% all of the time... although I am very grateful for the strength I've had throughout this entire thing and I seriously attribute that to all of the prayers and support my family has been receiving.
People have literally come up to me and said:
 "How are you fine? I don't understand how you're o.k. I wouldn't be ok."

... well. It's simple: because I have to be.
I have to function.
I have to still be a mom.
I have to take care of myself.
Things don't stop just because I hit a speedbump on the road of life.

 Another thing I've discovered that's really helped is that JOY is a choice. GRATITUDE is a choice. Sure: happiness can be outwardly dependent on your circumstances; but joy?
 Joy is this.... THING ... that comes from within.
 It's an inner light that no matter what goes on around you: it can't be dimmed.
 And you can choose joy every single day.

 Even though the world may be crumbling you can choose to focus on what ISN'T crumbling and what you're grateful for. That doesn't mean that you won't feel sadness... I know it seems contradictory. You can feel sadness but still have joy on the inside. I don't know how to explain it. Which is how even though I know that on Days Like Today I may feel sad; it's only temporary.

 Because overall I am SO grateful for my kids, my baby, my health, my home, my job, my friends, and everything else in my life. I honestly feel so humbled and blessed by the opportunity (yes - I am calling this "season of life" an opportunity!) because it's helped me grow so much as a person in ways that I know I wouldn't have been able to any other way. Something I won't do, though, is try to be tougher than I am. I'm not going to hide the fact that yes: I do have days like today.

Days where all I want to do is snuggle up in bed in a pair of big, manly arms and just close my eyes and fall asleep.
Days where I really could use a kiss on the forehead.
Days where it would be SO nice to have somebody here to take over so that I could get a break, take a nap, and just breathe for a little bit.



 Especially on days like today when I'm feeling... eh.. from being 31 weeks pregnant and feeling under-the-weather.
I'm feeling hormonal and a little apprehensive.
I am VERY grateful, though, that this has been such a breeze of a pregnancy. Like I said before in my vlogs : I didn't even feel pregnant until recently!
My back doesn't hurt. I sleep for 6-8 hour stretches at night. My energy and moods have been stable.

But in the past week my allergies have been so bad that my eyes started to gel shut every time I go outdoors and I feel like an absolute failure having to succumb to taking over-the-counter medication to help relieve symptoms.  I know it sounds stupid and some people say, "Yeah? So what!" But... ugh!  I HATE it so much that I have to take this stuff! I honestly tried everything I could think to help naturally and everything that usually works (local honey, no dairy / wheat / food allergens homeopathic nasal spray).... wouldn't touch it. I sneezed 47 times in a row. I sneezed my contact out! 

 Thankfully so far the medication seems to be helping (hopefully by tomorrow I can hear out of my ear!)
The only downside is that it makes me very, VERY drowsy: not so bad when you have a significant other who can come home and take over for you so you can get some rest.
But I obviously don't right now.
 It forces you to get really ... creative... when you're single parenting.

 So today I took the boys to the park and had them run run run to burn off energy and then prayed and prayed and PRAYED that they would actually sleep (Thank you God; they did!) Divide and conquer, my friends. Divide - And - Conquer. Write that down. It's how you win in the single parenting world. I put Christopher in their room and stuffed Ryan in my bed and ZONKED OUT.

 SIDENOTE: never pass out next to a 3-year-old who has a sticker album. He will decorate your face and you won't notice until hours later when you just happen to glance up at your reflection and see little dino eggs and t-rexes adorning your forehead and cheeks.

I woke up feeling a little better. Just ... out of it. 
I'm sure that's contributed to my dip in the happy mood levels!
Not only that but the local pool here is closed (has been for 5 days and won't reopen for another 5 days. UGH!) and that's pretty much the only exercise I can comfortably get in.  

I've also been getting hit a little harder emotionally.  I'm sure part of it is hormones and part of it is because I know that the next time we see Rob will be when our little girl is making her entrance. As excited as that thought makes me to have her here... it also leaves me feeling apprehensive. When I was pregnant with Christopher I had a significant other who was "there"; but... NOT there. At all. He was completely unsupportive. For those of you who read THAT story of mine when it was up.... you know what I'm talking about.

He wanted me to have an abortion.  Wanted me to give Christopher up for adoption (even 3 weeks AFTER I had already had him.)  Never came to an appointment. Nothing. 
That part of my life was what I thought - at the time - to be the most difficult thing in my life. 
Going through pregnancy alone and then delivery and then parenting alone: was something I never envisioned to have happen in my life.  Much less twice by two different people. But here I am. 

For whatever reason these are the cards I have been dealt.
I am grateful for that experience because I know that I DO have the strength to do this. 
It's just not something I really WANT to do. 
More than anything in the world I would want our family to be together for that. 
But that's not my call.

And on days like today; those emotions catch up with me. I've learned to process them, feel them, then let them go. 

The crazy thing that makes me feel hopeful and excited about days like today?
.... I know that as bad as these days are: that just means that my good days are going to be EVEN better.  

Because I know that when God restores He doesn't do it to former glory.  He replaces it with something EVEN BETTER. That's one of His promises.
You don't believe in God? 
Ok. Scientifically for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, correct? 
Yes. You can't argue with that.  Those are facts.
So for every bad day that means there's an equal and opposite GOOD day coming. 
So bring it on. Give me the worst of the worst because that just means that someday I'll have the best of the best   : ) 

---> Always a silver lining. 

Thank you so much for reading and letting me share my REAL, honest, journey with you.
Thank you for your support and feedback.
Thank you for keeping my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Rob's Second Visit + Family Cookout and Home Footage

So it's been pretty frustrating that my internet  has been having problems and only certain sites are affected. Guess which ones?

1.)  My blog

2.)  The site I use to make / edit my videos

3.)  The website I want to order my new pair of fall boots from 

.... hmmm.... :)

So here's to some super fast typing to get this blog out before the site becomes inacessible again! (I logged in today to find that the 3 blogs I posted in the past couple of weeks never saved / got published! BUMMER! But I'll catch you up....)

Also: I was watering the wildflowers that started to pop up in my front garden and what do you think I noticed on the trees in the front yard? The leaves are starting to turn!  Where did summer go? 

Well here's where it went:

May 25th & 26th: I posted my first blogs then took the boys for a spontaneous trip up north and spent the next 10 days sort of just keeping to myself and really focusing on my own healing and what it meant for me to be healthier.

June 2 : My birthday! Grandparents came up to visit. Went to the spa.Relaxed

June 10: Fathers Day weekend.... Rob came to town and visited the boys and we also found out the gender of our little PRINCESS 

June 17: Illinois and back to drop the boys off with my mom

June 21: Wedding weekend extravaganza in Milwaukee

June 25: Back to Illinois for nearly a week to hang out with my mom and pick up the boys

July 3: Up north for the weekend of the 4th to visit a friend 

Then the month of July was really spent getting into the groove of solo-parenting and consisted of re-arranging the ENTIRE house to make room for baby and all of her accessoires! (Like I said before: our house is rather .... "cozy" and fitting her in here is going to be like Tetris!)

July 31: Family from TX comes to visit!  Watch the video below to see how that went :) 

Our company (My sister-in-law, Kendra, her hubby, and my niece!) left on Monday and on Tuesday Rob called to tell the boys he wouldn't be able to make it up. I was bummed. It was obvious he was stressed. And the boys were sad. So I decided that instead of moping around that weekend that I would take the boys somewhere instead to get us out of the house.  Well.... that changed after we got a certain phone call on Wednesday morning. 

By the way: there's not enough room in the blog to explain the dynamics and backstory to everything: just know that everything that's been goind down is pretty cool and a pretty awesome story :)  Can't wait to one day share it in my book so you all can know exactly how amazing everything works out when you just let go and let God!  Ok.... so.... Wednesday morning.

Rob called to talk to the boys and Ryan told him how much they missed him and how sad they were that he wasn't able to come up. I had to walk into the other room.  Then I thought Ryan had hung up on him and probably about 15 or 20 minutes later he called or I called him back and I was shocked when he actually wanted to talk with me and not the boys (despite my wants: I had stopped calling him to give him some space.... SO hard to do!) He asked what we were doing for the weekend and if I was going to go to the family party.... which I said "no" to since he wasn't going to be there. A couple weeks prior he had called saying he wanted to come up but had no place to stay! I had texted back, "Well I know of 3 people who would LOVE to have you" ...... thinking to myself *hint hint ...... ; ) 

But I had left it at that.  I didn't want to push him or make him feel uncomfortable.  The last time we had seen each other / talked was in June over Father's Day weekend (click here to watch the video) and as a whole it was a good weekend but it was still just.... weird. You know?  He felt weird / slightly awkward around me. Confusing feelings. How could things not be confusing? I mean... yeah. 

So Wednesday when we were talking on the phone all of the sudden he just blurted out, "Well you never invited me to stay there!" and - of course not! I didn't want him to be uncomfortable!  But he asked if he could stay with us so OF COURSE I said yes!  I knew the boys would be so overjoyed to have him at the house.... it's all they ever talk about!  

"Mommy can we keep Daddy here? He can stay in our room and won't have to go back to Missouri"

"When is Daddy going to come stay with us?"

"I think Daddy should come live with us forever. I miss him" 

.... I hear these things on a daily basis. 

And to be honest... as much as the boys were excited... I was pretty excited, too. 

That evening we came back from the YMCA to see a little green car in the driveway and .... well you can watch the video and see how the weekend went! 

It was by far the best weekend we had all summer.

Ryan wasn't too thrilled about Daddy sleeping in his bed with him.... he HATES sharing his bed and he said that daddy took the blankets and farted in his bed.  Oh my gosh. I couldn't stop laughing watching his little mad face when he said that!  And: let's be honest. I'm nearly 7 months pregnant, I have a pillow nest on my bed, and I take up the WHOOOOOLE bed.  So there's really no sharing going on there ;) 

All I know is that we miss him like crazy. And having him here this past weekend was like having a huge hole in your heart just filled in. 

I'm learning to not expect so much and just take everything in stride and enjoy the little things.

I'm learning that I don't have to get upset over some stuff because... IT'S NOT WORTH IT! 

I also learned that sometimes just breathing in, breathing out, going to bed and waking up to a new day is a genius plan.... otherwise I think I might be a little feisty at night?  Or more prone to not saying things gently? Maybe.  I think everything goes much better when you can chat it over with hindsight with a cup of coffee in your hand and fresh morning light. It doesn't sound so.... ACCUSATORY. 

No - everything isn't rainbow blossoms and unicorns 100% of the time (and not 100% of the weekend!) But I have to be honest when I say that this was BY FAR the best time we've ever spent together as a family.  He's so.... peaceful now. And accepting. And..... man.  I could just cry sitting here as I type this. Honestly. Ok. Let's be honest maybe I am crying a little because it just makes my heart so happy.  I knew leaving was the hardest thing I'd ever do and I knew he was stressed with us there and I KNEW we had to leave so some of his own personal healing could happen and it just is so overwhelming to see some of it happening.

For instance when we were in the car driving to the lake house; a truck pulled out and darn near side swiped us because the guy wasn't paying attention!  I freaked out. The old Rob would've been off in a cussing tailspin fit of anger.  But he just took it. Didn't say anything. Sped up a little to get past. But that was it. We got to the stop sign. Rob turned left.  And I just sat there staring at him. And I kept staring.... just waiting for it.... thinking maybe he was just bottling it up to unload a little further away. So I waited.  We got to the stop lights. Still nothing. Finally about 45 seconds later he looked at me and was like, "What are you staring at me for? Quit it!" 

And I couldn't believe it. He DIDN'T EVEN FREAK OUT! I mean. That was huge. 

And I caught him over the weekend when he would go up behind the boys and just give them a kiss on the head or on the cheek and say, "I love you" 

It was just the most wonderful thing. And when we were getting ready to leave to go to the family party on Saturday morning I went to the pool.  I didn't realize we were supposed to be out there at 9! (OOPS!  I didn't even leave the pool until 9!) But this time instead of him freaking out and yelling and getting upset he just sat in the chair and read his kindle. I was so impressed. I just remember going over to him and patting him on the head and fighting back tears. 

I hope he knows and can see just how much a couple months of less stress have made a huge difference!

Sunday night we got to go visit my Grandparents and my Grandma got to give him a huge hug.  It was precious. This whole time he thought everybody hated him. and that couldn't be further from the truth.

Sitting there in Grams' living room she asked what was up with Christopher who normally is a chatty Kathy and bouncing all over the place but in contrast this evening was sitting quietly on the floor next to the chair and had BARELY spoken 20 words.

"Rob's leaving tomorrow" I mouthed.

and she got it. 

He took it particularly hard. He was pretty quiet the rest of the night.  Then when we left my Grandma's Rob decided to take one last stop so the boys could see my dad and he could say "bye".  Good timing because my brother and his girlfriend came to the house, too!  So he got to see everyone. (My brother and Rob are like peas in a pod.... they have always gotten along very well because of similar temperaments and interests!) That night on the way back to the house Rob decided that the perfect thing to go with the brownies I had made would be.....ICE CREAM!

So I was the cliche pregnant chick walking into the grocery store at 9 p.m. to get ice cream while he rented a movie for the boys from the Redbox.

It was a nice night. Just.... relaxing. 

Monday morning was so hard.

I had been fine the night before (in fact I was proud of myself at how emotionally stable I was doing!  Thinking "hey - I'm awesome! I'm handling this like a champ!")

I was fine all morning: doing well and feeling SO happy about the visit; but, all of a sudden I just got overwhelmed and started sobbing.  I am sure my pouty lip was sticking out immensely!

 I didn't want the weekend to end.

I didn't want to see him leave.

I didn't want the boys to be sad.

I didn't want to go back to..... whatever we'd had before the weekend.

I wanted to keep talking and laughing and having our family.

I honestly just wanted to continue on with the weekend....FOREVER!  Because it was.... It was just.... really good. Really, really good. To see how much different we are than we were a year ago and how much we've grown and how different he is and how much healing he's done. I couldn't have asked for a better time. It was also so neat because he got to feel baby girl moving around and it was just.... that's a good feeling. It made me remember back to the first time I actually knew what it felt like to look at somebody and WANT to have a baby with them.

I remember it SO clearly!  I was washing dishes looking out the kitchen window at our backyard (the house in Missouri that was in the country on 48 acres) and I remember hearing the boys playing off in their room and building train tracks and just seeing Rob standing there on the back porch looking off into the pastures.  We had talked earlier about someday having a house like that in the country: lots of chickens, apple trees, a hammock. And I just stared at him and felt nothing but this incredible wave of emotion and thought how much I just loved that man standing there. I remember putting the washcloth down and running outside and just giving him a huge hug and he looked at me funny like, "What was that for?!" 

And I remember telling him, "I just.... I want to have more kids with you!" and he gave this high-pitched laugh like "ha! yeah ok. Maybe someday". And to think that that "someday" is now.  I guess you could call it a little "trippy" ;) 

Anyways. Obviously he had to go back to Missouri. I think we all looked like spider monkeys just hanging off of him. I am suprised he even made it out the door.  It was awful. Had I been able to (gracefully) run I am sure I would've been chasing after his car..... but running at 28 weeks pregnant.... not so much.

CHRISTOPHER on the other hand as soon as he saw Rob's car turn the corner.... he took off running in his little Bob-The-Builder pajama pants and ran all the way to the end of the block and just stood at the corner sobbing. Oh talk about having somebody stick a wrench in your heart.  He wouldn't even come in the house.  He just slowly walked around out front saying, "I think he's going to come back. Momma - Daddy's going to come back and stay with us, right?"

The rest of the day was pretty..... eh. 

Christopher wanted to stay in his pajamas all day so I gave in. I didn't feel like getting dressed or doing much of anything, either.  The fact that the weather was gray and drizzly and it started to thunderstorm around noon definitely didn't help in the motivation department. In fact - the boys just wanted to stay in the room all day. SO not like them.... SO THEY DID!  for 7 hours nearly. 

I stayed in bed.  

They came in my room and we all watched, "God's Not Dead" (loved it!)

Then finally around 7pm I decided we should probably eat something and since I did NOT feel like cooking we just went to the good ol' Subway shop. 

then promptly came back home and went to bed.

Tuesday I dragged myself to the Y to go swimming and I'm glad I did.... it really helped us get out of our funk. 

So : now we look forward to seeing him again. We miss him everyday. More so now than ever.

It's been incredibly hard to not just get into the car and drive down there. Let me tell you today I literally had to keep myself occupied so I didn't do it. I've been talking myself out of it, in fact.

I just want to go. But I know patience is a good thing. And that's something I need to embrace right now. 

Peace and patience.

Knowing that everything in His timing will be perfect.... 

As always: 

thanks for reading and letting me share our family's journey with you!

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