34 Weeks Pregnant

34 Weeks Pregnant:
Weight gain: 13 - 17 lbs (depending on the day. I was fluctuating with water weight!)
----> starting to feel antsy. Starting to feel uncomfortable. My pelvis hurts!  She feels lower and is getting bigger.
----> my visions of swimming laps like a champ up until 40 weeks pregnant were bunked.  I doggy-paddle / side swim down to one end and get winded easily.  My belly feels so weird in the water! When I'm in it I can easily make out every part of her adorable little body. I can distinctly feel knees (which she loves to jab out) whenever I swim on my stomach.

34 Weeks pregnant was definitely an interesting week.
RECAP: Thursday was the first day going to a get-together for Moms in town and I am SO glad I went. They had delicious, amazing food.... great company.... everything was decorated straight off of a Pinterest board, and there was free childare for the kiddos for the 2 hours we were there!  I met some incredible ladies and had a blast while my kids got to get some socialization, too.
You know, so they don't end up turning into socially awkward rejects because we're doing "untraditional schooling" and all WATCH VIDEO HERE
I left the meeting feeling completely refreshed.
Lia was kicking me during the meeting. I got to get dressed up and wear my grey lace dress, leggings, and new brown boots.
I enjoyed some yummy spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing.
I got to laugh with some like-minded ladies and share a little of our lives (ups and downs) and laughs.
I'm so glad I had that little mental pick-me-up because immediately afterwards I got a phone call I had NOT been wanting to get that had started coming the night before.
I had already known it was coming.
It had to happen.
Doesn't make it any easier.
I know that sounds so vague: but.... I just can't share everything here and now.
Just know that someday when I finish my book (when this chapter / story has an ending!) : you'll remember this blog post and you'll get to know the "behind the scenes" of everything. 
Lets suffice it to say that the bigger the mess: the bigger the opportunity for a really, REALLY great turnaround, right?
Anyways. I am glad that I had gotten refreshed before I got the phone call I did. It was hard.
At one hand I felt like my heart was shattering but on the other hand: (as crazy as this sounds) it makes me ..... a little....excited when things are just so unbelievably, ridiculously, unimaginably in such a state of chaos.
why?
Well.  Because I know God's promises. Promises for hope and a future. Promises that love never fails.  Promises to prosper us.  Promises that there will be seasons in our life; and if we are diligent we will reap a proper harvest.
Even if I didn't believe in God. It's scientifically proven: for every action there's an equal and opposite RE-action, correct? Yes. You can't dispute that because those are scientifically proven facts.
So on that theory: if something in life is awfully, AWFULLY bad.... then can't you also take hope in the fact that things (when they take a turn) will be equally and oppositely .... AMAZING...RIGHT? That gives me a little bit of sunshine, too.

So. Things may not be going in a way that I can figure out how or why.... but I'm still ok.
I still feel at peace.
And I'm sure being sick (Christopher picked up a nasty bug at school), getting stressed, and then having that darn shot on Wednesday that my body didn't like did NOT help as I ended up in the ER early Friday morning with terrible, terrible chest pains.
Ha. Maybe it was just a broken heart. Literally.
*knee slapper*
Ok. That's not very funny because that actually might've had something to do with it (although I know it wasn't the whole problem).
Anyways. Things turned out to be fine. They weren't exactly sure what was causing it. 

The next few days have just spent doing a lot of taking time out for myself and taking it very easy. 
Focusing a lot on relaxing and enjoying my boys. 
I know little Lia Bee is going to be here very soon and my life is going to get very, very different.

I do, though. Wish more than anything right now I had my whole family together.
I miss my husband something terrible.
And it seems the bigger my belly gets.... the more I miss him.
I've woken up a few times now and found that I was clutching his flag patch from his uniform or his dog tags or a picture of us. And I don't even know how I got them other than I must've woken up, sleepwalked, and got them sometime during the night.
Every time  I hear the neighbor pull in on his motorcycle or a car pulling into the drive - no matter what time it is - I wake straight up out of my sleep and pull the curtains back to see if it's Rob. 
I just keep thinking he's going to pull into the driveway anytime now and everything will be different.
Maybe that sounds crazy.
I don't really care. 
I just.... more than anything I want my family.
My WHOLE family.
Until then. I'm just over here doing my thing and holding down the fort. 
Waiting (sometimes) patiently. As patiently as I can anyways.
Because here's what I believe:

Love bears all things.
Love believes all things.
Love hopes all things.
Love never fails. 

Thanks for reading
Lots of love. 

Appointment Update (34 Weeks) and HILARIOUS Story From Yesterday "Tattoo in Fur" ....

I REALLY don't feel like typing everything today:
so you'll have to check out the video below! :)
Long story short: my hunch yesterday that I posted in this video (click to watch) WAS RIGHT! 

...and Lia is going to have to come in 4 weeks....
I KNOW.
"Baby will come when she's ready." 
"Don't rush it."
"You know: it's good to keep them in there as long as possible!" 
Rest-assured: I am not trying to go into labor in the next week or two.
 BELIEVE ME. I am soaking this all up!

But for a couple GOOD reasons I would like to go a little early.
1.)  Given my medical history / problems during delivery and history of large babies (Christopher was 10 lbs and had Ryan gone until his due date he would've been 10 lbs, too!) it would be VERY beneficial to Lia and I BOTH if she came a little earlier and was a WEE BIT SMALLER. 
Simply because I want to avoid a c-section as much as possible and I want my waterbirth!

.... which means I cannot have a big baby. Or they won't let me attempt delivery.

2.) And - I know this may be slightly self-ish - but my doctor will be out of town the last week of October until (I believe) November 1st or 2nd..... yeah. 
Obviously she's the only doctor I've been seen by, she knows my pregnancy, is VERY familiar with my history.... and I REALLY don't want to have some random doctor delivering Lia! 

Here's my thought:
 How fabulous to even have her on the 18th. Then the photographer that I SO BADLY WANT could even be there as well ;) 
So keep that in your thoughts / prayers. I'd like that to happen. hahaha
ok - got that Lia? 18th. Let's do this. :)

Directly below is the video overview and then below THAT video is the HILARIOUS thing that Christopher told some random lady in the store yesterday.... I couldn't even believe it.

Baby #3 : Name Reveal

                                                                                                   



























So I am SO excited to be able to post this blog...... I have been waiting anxiously!
We had LOTS of guesses on facebook as to what her name would be and I was really shocked at how many people absolutely nailed it and guessed the first / middle name that I would've put together!
I think - from what I can see, though: we only had ONE PERSON who actually guessed the correct first and middle name.  And I'm going to send her a little prize from my wellness blog (www.NonToxicDiva.com) Just some fun stuff to try out! 

Anyways:  I suppose if you're new here or visiting my blog for the first time: hi there and welcome!
This should bring you up to speed:
1.)  My name is Sara and I have 2 boys and 1 little girl on the way!
2.)  If you're curious as to why I'm currently a "single mom" then you're going to have to check out the featured blogs here and here.  They should bring you up to speed.
Yes it's incredibly hard doing things alone and I wish more than anything that we had our family together right now.... but sometimes life doesn't always go according to plan. So you can either sit there and complain about it OR you can figure out how to adjust.  I chose to adjust. 
I can't hide the fact that it would be so amazing to have my husband and have him here.... but that's just not where we're at right now!  So I enjoy my days and feel very blessed that I have 2 little munchkins that keep me very occupied (and laughing!)  We're getting VERY close to the end. Everything for baby girl is bought and put away.  Her clothes are washed.  The bags are packed and ready to go.  Let's say I'm "prepared" for her (just in case she decides to come early!) but I'm DEFINITELY not "ready" yet.  I haven't hit that point where I say, "Ok. I'm serving you an eviction notice little lady!"  
I have been so, so, SO blessed with a very easy pregnancy. 

AND NOW 
      for the moment you've -- perhaps -- been waiting for: 
THE MUCH ANTICIPATED.....
       NAME REVEAL VIDEO!!!

Thanks for watching!
You may also like the blog post:
Baby #3 "Fun" Facts and How The Name was Picked

You can leave a comment below,
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or connect on Instagram!
thank you all for the love --- so excited to be able to share our family's journey with you and
can't wait to introduce little Miss Lia Victoria in just a few short weeks!

Baby #3 : "Fun" Facts & How The Name Was Picked

In case you haven't already seen it:
you'll want to check out the last blog (click here) to watch the name reveal video.
But THIS blog is specifically for some interesting facts you might not know about Baby #3 (how she came to be) and HOW her name was picked out!

It's a pretty cute story. Obviously we were NOT trying for a baby.... um. No.
I had JUST moved into my house up here in WI and he was / is still in MO and planning to get out of the military.
I mean: honestly it was the WORST possible timing ever for a baby.
Did I mention the fact that we were / are separated? Yeah. So this pregnancy was obviously not planned.
I know: if you're new to the blog here I probably just dropped a total bombshell on you. So you'll probably want to backtrack and go read my featured blogs: Why I Walked Away and The Monster in my Marriage so you have some background info here!  Let's just say: I didn't leave because I wanted to or because I hate my husband. None of that.  I love that man and I want nothing more than to have our family!  But... unfortunately... anyways. Just read the blogs!

I never thought I would have kids.  I always saw other people's kids and it completely grossed me out.
All snot-nosed and crusty.  Just the thought of having to be responsible for another life was completely repulsive to my sort've self-ish nature (at the time). How would I ever be able to have a successful career if I was stuck at home wiping butts all day?  I mean SERIOUSLY!  And why in the world would I ever WANT to knowingly put myself through 9 months of (what I perceived as) torturous weight-gain, stretch marks, and physical pain?
No.  I was positive that I would never have kids.  Just the thought of pregnant bellies made me want to pass out because I have this very odd phobia of bellybuttons and.... ew.  When they stick out.  Yuck. I did NOT want to ever be pregnant. I thought maybe someday I would adopt. Maybe.

Well: HA HA HA.  Obviously there were other plans in store for my life.
 (And boy -- am I HAPPY about that!)
But seriously.... how things changed.
And how I finally knew the feeling of actually WANTING to have kids with somebody.
I remember when we were living at our house out in the country: a huge wooden house on 48 acres of land... completely surrounded by nothing. I remember washing dishes and looking out the window and there was my husband standing there on the patio.  And: I can't explain it but in that moment I saw him and just felt OVERWHELMED with this incredible amount of love that made my heart want to burst.  In that moment I KNEW what it felt like to actually want to have kids with someone!  I remember dropping the dishrag and just running out the back door to him and giving him a huge hug. (This was around the time he had gotten back from PTSD treatment. A time when we honestly had nearly 4 months of.... well... it was just amazing.  It's what our marriage COULD be. And it's also a reminder that you need to constantly work at it.  If I could go back: I would sell everything we had to make sure he continued to get counseling and help)
 Anyways: we already had Christopher and Ryan and up until then I never knew if I wanted more kids: but in that moment I was sure. And I just saw him.  I saw him with a little girl. I could completely picture it.
 I don't know how to describe this but sometimes I have little flashforwards. Is that what you'd call them?  Because they're not flashBACKS. But I just: I see things sometimes!  (hopefully that doesn't sound TOO weird! It's not all Sixth Sense, "I See Dead People" kind of thing" ....)

Anyways. He sort've laughed at me a little.  We had talked about it back and forth before - JOKINGLY - but it just wasn't the right time.  We had already started hearing the boys in their little rooms at night praying for a sister.  I stood outside the door one night and went to get Rob (my husband) out of the living room so he could listen, too.  Little 3.5 year old Christopher and 1.5 year old Ryan were in their room talking to each other about daddy going to "find" a sister (they thought every time he went out into the woods that he was going to look for one).  And there was Christopher... just praying away for a little sister so they could play with her and brush her hair.

Christopher prayed for a whole year. There was even one point where I was praying, too.  I thought.... well.  Anyways. Sounds ridiculous. So I won't type it. I'll share later. Maybe in my book. Too much to write here!  Anyways. It didn't happen.

I cried and cried. And I cried some more.
I couldn't see how they would ever have a little sister after I left and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That stung.

And then: well.
It's sort've weird.
So as you know Rob was down in Missouri yet.
I moved up here: I went down in January to get all of my stuff out of our home in Missouri. 
(Worst and hardest things I have EVER had to do. In my life. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up and cry all at the same time). Anyways: I was up here and he was stressed and sad and upset and hurt. 
And I don't blame him. He couldn't understand why I left. I couldn't help him. I needed time to just heal myself.
 Then to make it worse he found out that one of his favorite Uncles had passed away.  It was a complete shock. He had (seemingly) been in perfect health: he had 3 young boys (9,7, and 5).  
And boom: he had a heart attack. 
So the only reason he (Rob) came up here was for his uncle's funeral.
(At this point I was so stressed. SO unimaginably stressed.  I wanted my husband and marriage more than anything in the world but for whatever inexplicable reason I KNEW I had to stay put and that I had made the right decision. Try explaining THAT one to your spouse and expect them to just say, "ok") 
I don't even know how I made it through the day those first couple of months on my own. 
I was completely emotionally wore out. It took everything I had to be  mom and get through the day.
  Probably why I was also in the hospital 3x and having heart problems.

Anyways: he was coming up here.  So we met in the Dells. I was nervous and sick about it all at the same time.  I wanted to see him; but yet... I didn't.  I knew it would hurt too much.  and it was going to hurt to have to say, "No. I need to stick with my decision." because I knew it would hurt him.  And I was in such a weird place. I was trying to bury my feelings and do anything I can to NOT feel because I thought that if I did then... well. I knew I would end up back in MO and it was NOT the right time because I had to make some changes for myself!  Anyways. The only reason he came back was for the funeral: like I said.

I had asked him to stay at a hotel when he was in the area (I knew it would be too hard for me to have him with us!) but then Weird Thing #1 : his bank cards were declined and so were mine because we were traveling.... so there was no money and he HAD to stay with me. 
Yeah.  That was .... I was scared. To have him here. I didn't want to "feel" anything anymore.... and this COMPLETELY broke through my barriers. 
(But it was also the best blessing in disguise)

So he came to stay: we had our moments & NO it was not all "fairy-tale"ish.... but: I started to think....  just maybe there's a reason for all of this. Just maybe this is part of the plan.

A couple days after he got into town we attended his uncle's funeral together.
It was so difficult to see his aunt and those three little kids up there. 
Knowing they would never be able to see their dad.
Knowing she would never get to hold her husband again and just hear him say, "I love you."
It broke my heart. But: it also opened it.
I realized I didn't want to quit.
I realized - in that moment (of all places) - that I loved the man next to me more than anything in the world and I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to lose my husband, I didn't want my kids to lose their dad, and I didn't want my family to be torn apart by ANYTHING that could be helped, prevented, or fixed.

It was there in that church when I took his hand... him wearing his suit... me wearing my black dress.
Watching everyone cry.  Feeling such intense sadness but such love in his strong hand as I glanced over at him. I knew in that moment what I wanted. My heart just welled up.
Nothing else mattered. 
It didn't matter what anyone thought. What I thought. I just knew.
And that was a defining moment for me.  Up until then I was plagued by indecision. 
That is NOT an understatement.
Indecision can LITERALLY take you to low places.  It blows you back and forth.
You have no grounding. You feel like you're spinning out of control.
"wishy-washiness".
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Indecision is the worst torment.
I didn't know if I could ever "feel" again. But the moment I made the DECISION to feel. 
The moment I made the DECISION to love no matter what and give it my all:
 that's when everything changed.

See what I learned was this.  Probably one of the most powerful life lessons I've ever learned and I want to share it with you:
Feelings follow action. Action follows decision.
You're not always going to FEEL intensely in love with someone.
That's where you still make the decision to love them anyways. 
And you know what? Your FEELINGS will follow!
.... more on this later. I've learned SO MUCH about it..... I can't wait to share.
When I do the blog post on it. I'll post the link HERE. 


So a couple days after the funeral...(TMI part!)
I remember thinking to myself: "huh. This is weird. I almost feel like I'm having ovulation cramps. " even though I had JUST had my period. Literally. 3 days before that. And my cycles have been regular since I was 14! 28 and 32 days ovulating at 14th day and the 16th day.  I know my body.
So I remember thinking that and telling Rob and he was like, "No. You're not"
Well then it was the night or two before he was supposed to leave and we were watching a movie in the living room when we hear this awful crunching scraping noise. And we look out the living room window (over the5 foot high snowbank) and he says, "I think somebody just backed into my car!  They're doing a hit and run!"
"Luckily" it was just the neighbor's daughter.... long story short: we're pretty sure it was on purpose. DOESN'T MATTER. Whatever. But the problem?  His car wasn't driveable.  He had to take it in to have it repaired.
So.... that was odd thing #4. (The others were his uncle passing away unexpectedly and then his bank cards getting declined and then me feeling like I ovulated a week early: which I DID!)

And needless to say: yes. we did..... you know. ANYWAYS! 

Well: fast-forward a couple weeks and I was in Florida with my mom and the boys for vacation.
I could smell things I couldn't usually smell. 
And I had this oddly happy, carefree feeling that I usually only had when I was pregnant. 
But I thought, "No. No way!  There's NO WAY I ovulated an entire week early!"
So I texted Rob anyways. "Hey. I think I might be a couple days late. I think I might be pregnant"
And I called him. And he was like, "No. You're not pregnant. Remember how many times you thought that before? Just go get a test and call me back or something."
and I remember thinking. "Ok. Yeah. He's right. False alarm." ..... but inside I just knew.
So I left my mom and boys at the hotel and went to clean out the car (aka drive to Walgreens and get some prego tests and then proceed to drive across the freeway to the WaWa gas-station just so it wasn't SO obvious!)

I have footage from that first day and immediately after I found out.  I haven't shared my initial reaction with ANYONE yet!  

And THAT'S WHEN I saw those 2 pink lines.

After the shock wore off.... I was excited.
And I remember calling Rob. And he was excited.
(my hormonal anger outburst from the previous day made PERFECT sense! Oh my gosh.... I was pregozilla....a complete and total crazy, angry b****!!! I was TERRIBLE! And I remember thinking: what the HELL is wrong with me?!  Why am I so cranky?!  I feel like I have road rage!)

Then I called to make my OB appointment and they asked me the first day of my last period. 
And it was July 28th. The day his uncle passed away. 
Which is TECHNICALLY the day they start counting your pregnancy from.
So that was odd.
And then I thought about it: the ONLY reason I got pregnant (I knew my date of conception) was because he was up there for the funeral, his bank cards were declined, my body over-rode it's 10-year-long stretch of ALWAYS being "on-time" and I ovulated an ENTIRE WEEK EARLY and because his car had gotten backed into and he had to stay in town longer than expected.
Sort've .... bizarre when you think about how everything is connected.

WELL: 
there's a little inside info that I doubt anybody knew up until this point!
Now onto the actual "how her name got picked" portion of the blog!
Let me just say that I ABSOLUTELY wanted Viviana Claire.
Viviana means "full of life" and Claire means "clear, brilliant"
I wanted to call her Vivi! 
Rob picked some more.... traditional Polish and Russian names. (Our last name is VERY Russian)
Ok. For starters let's just remember some of the names he chose for Ryan (had we not settled on Ryan)
-- Sherman
-- Floyd
-- Steve
-- Pierce
-- Howard 
-- Charles
.......... need I say more? We obviously have very DIFFERENT tastes when it comes to names.

(had this little one been a boy he found the name "Bogdan" and really liked it ......) Oh my. Definitely unique... I will say that much!

But I have been picking out little girl names ever since I was little!  So obviously I wanted to be the one to name her.

Well I loved Viviana Claire.
Or Audrey Claire.  Or Audrey Elizabeth.
If I ever had twin girls I wanted to name them Natali Victoria and Viviana Nicole. (See what I did there flip-flopping the "N" and "V" names?) Well when I found out it wasn't twins those went off the table. 
When I asked Rob he threw in names such as:
Ivana. Roxana. Alejca (a Polish name and variation for "Alice" which is his Grandma's Name). Mary (his Grandma's name) 
A couple were very nteresting. And - of course- it was precious that he wanted to name her after his Grandmas.

Well. Were we both in for a surprise.

So THAT is exactly how her name got to be picked out!
I guess I will just have to get a fish and name it Viviana Claire.
I have to say, though: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Nothing may ever go according to plan.... but that's life.
It's a little un-traditional.
It's absolutely unpredictable.
But I still love it and I'm grateful for it every single day!

thanks for reading!

Christopher's First Day of School + 33 Weeks Baby #3

Time is certainly flying by!
Had my first official "craving: crepes.  I had them 2 days in a row!
Friday was Christopher's first day at school  :)  
Well.... first day of actually GOING to school anyways!
We do school a little UN-traditionally (sort've like everything else in our life!)
We started homeschooling in summertime but now there is this really great program in the area
where he is able to technically be enrolled in the public school system and then he attends school 1x / week with other kids who are enrolled in the same program.  On school days they cover electives and do things like: play, music, gym class, lunch, recess, art, library time.  It's pretty awesome!
I know this isn't the explanatory post as to why I decided to do it this way... so I'll give you a recap:
1.) Christopher STILL takes naps during the day and NEEDS to rest.  I think school isn't designed around the needs of the child or the family.... but involves convenience and it goes against our natural biological clocks!
2.)  School simply isn't for everyone. Each child learns differently. Christopher is one of those kids.  He's very social and outgoing; a truly unique personality that I know would be squashed out in traditional school.
Anyways.  That and the fact that we like to travel and have freedom.... and going to school everyday.... getting up at 7 and getting home at 4.... that just didn't feel very free.

So onto his first day of school: I was / am 33 weeks 
I woke up early to bake him some zucchini bread.
He woke up at 6:22 A.M.!!!!  Can you tell that somebody was a little excited?! 
Then Ryan woke up, too and was giving Christopher "fashion advice" for his first day of school and how to look "cool" so other kids would play with him (I was sitting in the other room just laughing as I was listening to them!)
He eventually settled on a button down shirt and a red sweatshirt over the top and some jeans.  He also wore his neon green + blue tennis shoes.
In his backpack he wanted to take his pencil box and crayons.  And I believe Ryan also shoved a carrot in there for his snack time ;)
Then we went outside to scramble out some "first day of school pictures"! and piled into the car.
He was excited to make friends and see his teacher.
We walked in and he introduced himself to everyone he met in the hallway: "Hi!  My name is Christopher and I'm five. What's your name?"  and the one woman told him and then he stuck out his hand to shake hers and said, "It's nice to meet you!"  and then she walked him to the classroom.
It was pretty adorable!

This kid is going to be the one that's like. "Yeah whatever mom. See ya later!" When / If he goes to college someday. He's TOTALLY like me!  He just walks into the room.  Didn't even say goodbye just started talking to the teacher and the kids and then playing with a vacuum they had in the toy area.
Ryan was NOT impressed to leave brother behind. 
I think he thought we were just going to take him and then we would all stay for a little bit and then go home. So if you notice his face in the picture below: he was NOT impressed with how things ACTUALLY went down. (i.e. we left Christopher there)
His words were, "I am MAD.  I miss my brudder AWREADY!"
and he insisted that he was NOT going to have fun at the adventure center (the place he goes to in the YMCA while I swim) and he was just going to sit in the corner and not talk to anyone!

Ryan and I had a very .... quiet.... relaxed afternoon.  Odd doesn't even begin to describe it!
I made dinner in advance so that day I could just come home and lounge with the boys because I figured Christopher would be pretty tuckered out. 

We went back to pick him up and Ryan let go of my hand and took off at a full run: pushing past everyone to get into the room.  I called after him, "Ryan - come here!"  and he responded with, "I need to go get my brudder!!!!!"  
I was able to follow shortly behind and I found Ryan in the classroom standing proudly next to Christopher with this HUGE grin on his face.  When I walked up to them Ryan says to me, "I found brudder. I'm happy now!"  -----> *heart melt*  awww!!!

His teacher and a couple other administrators / program directors all said he was VERY helpful and did well on his first day. He liked music class very much and was one of the loudest singers.  For his "theme week" (each kiddo gets to pick a theme for one week out of the school year) Christopher chose "trains".   
 One of the other things I heard (which I hear alot) was, "Wow. He's not shy AT ALL, is he?" ..... nope. He sure isn't!  9 months old and he would put his arms up in the air in the "pick-me-up" baby sign language: only he would do it do complete strangers in the store!  There were plenty of times where I would just turn around and he would be following somebody else or another family around the store.  The doctor's assessment of, "Don't worry.  This will pass.  He'll get stranger anxiety just like every other kid" did NOT come to pass. Ever.








Anyways: needless to say his first day was a big success. 
However, I know there's NO WAY he could do it everyday! Oh my goodness!  
He was tired out.  We called everyone and he wanted ME to tell them about his first day instead because he was tired and he "had a sickness: allergies".  
He was VERY excited that his dad called to ask him about his first day.  
The day before he had been pretty upset that Rob wasn't going to be there to see him go to school.  That was a little prick to the heart. 
So Friday evening was spent just lounging around the house :) 
Hope you enjoy the pictures below!
ps - when Ryan and I came back to the house there was a package sitting on the doorstep and inside was the adorable rattle and onesie that you see pictured below! AW! 

Christopher: VERY Excited!
"My first day of school!!!"

Ryan: NOT so excited
"I am MAD.  I miss my brudder awready!"

The ADORABLE rattle and octopus onesie that was waiting on the doorstep!

32 WEEKS with Baby #3

Today marks the 32 week mark.
And it's official: time is flying.
Just for fun I went back and read my blogs from my pregnancies with the boys. It's neat to compare and see just how much life has changed since then!

In case you didn't see: it's been a couple days since I had the little preterm labor experience.
(normal for me:  I had it with BOTH of the boys at the 30-32 week mark.  Apparently that's just when my cranky uterus wants to kick baby out!)

I did some hippie things, though (If you want to read the blog on it: CLICK HERE ) and it worked!
I even wrote in there how I was pretty sure I felt her move or flip....
Well yesterday at my appointment my doctor confirmed: she's transverse!
Transverse = laying sideways.

At my 28 week appointment my doctor had noted that she had turned head down and her head was pretty low already (which she was surprised about).  More than likely her position was what could've had alot to do with the labor stuff!  It's also a good thing she flipped when she did.  My doctor said that's most likely what led the contractions to stop.  So for now: I'm completely ok with her not being in the head-down position.  Baby girl has a couple weeks to go before that becomes a concern anyways!

I also found out some sketchy details about just how serious the complications were with my waterbirth delivery of Christopher.  Things I'd only heard about for the first time and - up until this point - had NO IDEA about!  But it'd be too much to type so if you're curious you can check out the video I made last night.  And excuse my random ramblings about taco salad: it's just that I was heavily disappointed by what I received.






  I don't know. Maybe it's just me: would YOU consider that a taco salad?
 I'd love to know.... leave a comment below with YOUR opinions on taco salad! 

Today I dragged my butt to the pool.  I REALLY didn't feel like going. I was tired.
Excuses. Excuses. ;) But I went!  So that was nice.
Felt HUGE today. Ugh. I'm at that point where I'm starting to get uncomfortable just because my belly is big and it pushes everything up and down at the same time. Sitting in the car... ugh.
haha ---> you can tell my attitude this morning was NOT so pleasant! Once I actually get in the pool, though it's a different story.
Glad I did because I ran into somebody I know and we got to chat.
I also got to meet somebody new because I noticed she had Honest Co. Shampoo!
(I thought it was mine for a second and I had to say "hi" because I've never met anyone else around here that uses Honest Co. products!)
PS - if you're curious about what those are / why I use them.... check out my OTHER blog! (dedicated to health, wellness, fun finds.... all that good stuff!) 
-----> www.NonToxicDiva.com
turns out she works at the Y and teaches a couple of classes!  It's nice meeting new people with similar interests!

Had a bit of a hormonal meltdown this afternoon. Randomly!
(Ok. It wasn't exactly random. I'm 32 weeks pregnant, my hormones are going crazy, and I'm all on my own.)
I went into the kitchen to do the dishes and I saw the picture of Rob holding 6-month-old Ryan on the fridge and I just burst into tears.  It really made me sad. It makes me sad because I miss him. And because he's not here. And it makes me sad because you can't make somebody want to be with you or care for you.  It makes me sad because I can't imagine how he felt / feels: thinking that I left because I didn't love him.  Which wasn't the case.
I had to leave.
I made the right decision.
But somehow knowing that doesn't necessarily make any of this easier.
It was his birthday 2 days ago and all I wanted to do was be there to make him chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, decorate the house, give him a huge kiss when he woke up in the morning, have the boys give him presents that they attempted to wrap themselves, & make up for all of the birthdays that he never got anything.
Not a party.
Not a call.
Not a card.
Yes he's a few states away... so being there (especially now) wasn't practical. But even just to be able to call him and tell him, "Hey: happy birthday!  I love you SO MUCH!"  ..... but none of that happened.
I forced myself not to call.
I didn't send anything.
I didn't do anything that a wife could and should do.... because I'm not a wife.
Not because I don't want to be one: but because I have to respect his wishes.... and it's been very clear that he does not want me as a wife. In actuality; I feel like he doesn't know what he wants in life at all.  And until he figures that out for himself; there's nothing I can say or do. Letting go at first was hard.  I felt desperate and helpless; but I got to a place where it was just.... freeing.
It's freeing to know that I am not responsible for him or his actions.
To get to a place where you just "Let Go and Let God" is an amazing feeling.... just knowing in my heart that He is taking care of me... is all the comfort I need.
The comfort that took me YEARS to find. Don't get me wrong:
It was SO difficult to respect his wishes (and myself) enough to just.... step back.
But at the same time. It was a good feeling.

So, today after I looked at that picture and his smiling face: I let myself cry it out for about 5 minutes and then I reached for my positive playlist.
Ironically the first song that came on was this one:
It really just reminds me that even though I don't know why this is happening right now; it's not going to be wasted.

I hope you know that whatever YOU'RE going through right now:
It has a purpose.
Even though you may not understand how or why (and you may NEVER understand)
just know that it's part of a bigger plan.

UPDATE : 31 Weeks + No More Contractions!

We are so blessed by the amount of people surrounding us who are supportive and always keeping us in your thoughts / prayers. I am especially thankful for all of you last night because all of the prayers / thoughts worked!
I woke up this morning after EIGHT SOLID HOURS of sleep with no contractions.
I knew if I could get my body to relax enough to sleep that it would be what it needed to stop it. 
For some reason; my body thinks the 30-32 week mark is a great time to try and go into labor.  It happened at the same time in pregnancy with both of the boys: with Christopher (my first) I ended up going in twice and they were able to stop it by administering the T-shot (Terbutaline). Now - it being my first baby / pregnancy - I had NO idea ... I didn't even question it!  But since then and becoming more health conscious and aware ... I know that it is NOT something you want to be given.  Especially not for me (with a heart condition) as it has been known to cause serious side effects in that department.

Check out the link to the website HERE : which also includes a special warning about no longer administering it to prevent preterm labor. 

With Ryan I was in the hospital already for high-risk complications when I began experiencing preterm labor (I did NOT have an easy pregnancy with him like I am having with this little girl!)  and I honestly can't even remember what they did.  I want to say they DID end up administering the T-shot but ... it was such a whirlwind. We went to my high-risk doctor appointmentt 2 hours away and I ended up being admitted (unexpectedly) into the hospital and they were telling me they might be giving me shots to speed his growth because I might be delivering him early...  It was a crazy, CRAZY 36 hours. 

This time around, after knowing what I know now, I wanted to try to stop labor naturally.
I'd been feeling "off" for a couple days: headache and just in general under the weather (like I mentioned below in the first status update) and I thought it was the flu or something! I had noticed my Braxton Hicks Contractions increased in amount over the past couple of days but thought nothing of it. Then I experienced insomnia (which I've experienced in my third trimester before) for a couple of nights... but just thought it was normal! Then yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night shaky, nauseous, with a terrible TERRIBLE headache, and hot flashes. By yesterday afternoon / evening I didn't have a fever and hadn't been able to get much food down: thankfully my vegan shake mix came in the mail so I was at least able to drink that.  I decided to try to go to the pool just to float around and relax... when I was in the pool I started to actually notice that the contractions were a little.... stronger... than before.

After an hour I started to time them out of curiosity...25-30 minutes apart. So I went home, relaxed / lounged with the boys and watched Where The Red Fern Grows... but they kept coming. Not "painful" painful.. but just noticeable.  I also had some other unpleasant experiences as a result of the contractions ..... not going to share! haha. But ladies: you know what I'm talking about if you've ever had menstrual cramps: and you know what also goes along with cramping down there.... ick.
  I knew I needed to relax.  I put the boys to bed, took a bath, used some aromatherapy, played soothing music.  When they hit 9-12 minutes apart is when I got a little.... nervous. I called my mom and the Labor & Delivery who wanted me to drink some more water and if they hadn't stopped within the hour; the nurse said with my history I needed to come in. SO: I posted THIS status update: 

and .... this sounds funny but it's something I've learned to practice.... is I just asked my body what it needed.
(Yes. Hippie things).  
But think about it: the body is this genius, intricate supercomputer that knows exactly what it needs.  We just need to learn to turn off our mind sometimes (stop overthinking everything!) and just get in tune with it. I've done this before.... been doing this for about a year... and it usually works. 
In order for this method to work you're supposed to "meditate" and then go with whatever pops into your head first. Well... I don't know what they mean necessarily by meditate... I envision people sitting in a dark room with their legs crossed humming "ommm" ... but that's just me! haha. 
So for my version I relax (which involves hopping into the tub). I cleared my head and was like: ok. What do I need right now. and I went with the 3 things popped into my head: 
1.) sleep 
2.) venison snack stick 
3.) Tylenol / Benadryl . 

Honestly: I didn't even question it. 
I was like: ok. You got it chach.
So I got up, unthawed some of the venison sticks in my freezer that Rob had brought, ATE TWO (big deal considering everything all day made me nauseous) and - for whatever reason - I took Tylenol and Benadryl. Don't ask me.  I hate over-the-counter meds but at this point: I was going to try anything. 
Then I got some essential oils (camphor - always relaxes me) and rubbed it on my shoulders and nose. 
I laid back in bed and turned on my positive tunes playlist and put the music next to my belly (you know - so she could hear it and RELAX a little!) 
After 2 songs I felt her shift in my stomach. Just COMPLETELY change positions.  It was the weirdest feeling... but after that I felt so relaxed and I fell sound asleep.... and didn't wake up until 8 hours later.  Ryan must've came in and he was sleeping next to me with his hand on my belly. (he loves his sissy already! It's so, so so precious!)

Called the doc this morning and my appointment has been moved up from Friday; but I'm sure it's going to be the same as it was with the instructions with the boys for the rest of pregnancy:
-- relax
-- drink MORE fluids
-- relax
-- avoid stress
-- relax
.... so I think I can handle that! 
Yes it would be easier with someone here helping... but... such is life :)
Instead of focusing on what I DON'T have... I am very grateful for what I DO have.
It helps put things in perspective!  I know I talked about that in my other blog from the other day.
Despite everything I am actually very much at peace: with this pregnancy and in general.
I just have a very great sense of calm about everything.  It actually surprises me a little!

SO: thank you guys.  I will keep everyone posted!
And in the meantime trying natural methods to help calm down my apparently "cranky" uterus.
Things that worked for me in the past:
-- Red Raspberry Infusion 
and something I found on the Natural Birth Blog AND something two facebook friends shared with me: Cramp Bark Tincture. It's supposed to be very effective. 
Will keep you posted!
I am determined to cook this bun in the oven a little longer.