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CLICK HERE ----> www.saramichaels.com

UNSEEN FOOTAGE!!! ----> What's My Channel About @ sboell002

I think some of you know that I have been vlogging (fancy term for "Video Blogging") since 2009 when I got pregnant with Christopher!
I started because I wanted to have a way to remember stuff AND because I wasn't living in the same area as my family and friends so it was a fun way to keep them posted.
Well .... little did I know it would turn into more and turn into YEARS of vlogging!
Lots of my videos outside of pregnancy were just random life updates and some monthly montages....
and then with this pregnancy life is SO CRAZY and there just didn't feel like that much to report on baby number three.
However... I still wanted to do something fun and unique.
So I decided to do daily vlogs : countdown to baby until she gets here!
Which... could be in a week and a half. Two weeks. Heck it could be another month from now!
I guess we'll find out!

ALSO: I found my footage from when I first found out I was pregnant
REMEMBER: I had already left and was on VACATION IN FLORIDA when I found out.
I actually left my mom and boys at the hotel to go "clean out the car".
And .... I found out for a SECOND TIME in a gas station bathroom that I was pregnant.
So here is some of the NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE of my literal INITIAL REACTION.

Oh yeah. It's legit.
Hope you enjoy!
And stay tuned to THIS PLAYLIST right here for me Countdown to Baby Daily Vlogs!
Thanks for watching :)

The $100 Lesson That My Phone Taught Me

CLICK HERE to go to NEW BLOG!

As most of you (hopefully) have already figured out: I've been "solo parenting" for nearly a year now.... by choice.
Unfortunately the hardest one I've ever had to make.
I hate the term "single mom" because I'm not technically single.  I just dislike it.

LINKS: Why I Walked Away   and    Monster in my Marriage
(you will be taken to the NEW ProjectEvolveLife Blog!)

If you haven't been to the blog before or you want a little insight as to WHY I Walked Away:
those two posts might be helpful.
And before you start reading: it's not because I hate my husband or because he's some terrible person.
Quite the opposite, in fact. Which is why it was incredibly hard.
I love that man and we miss him every single day.... more than he can ever imagine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday was a rough day.
It's been a little bit more of an emotional roller coaster the past month and it's definitely been a fight to stay grounded, focused, and positive. It honestly takes time during the day where I have to simply focus on staying in the right mindset otherwise I could easily get swept away by the feelings and emotions that I'm having. (Some of which I am quite sure are due to surging hormones!)
I have to remember that I'm not ALWAYS going to have a belly that gets uncomfortably in the way of doing dishes: so instead of complaining.... just sit down and enjoy it because in a few weeks that little bump housing my princess will be gone and I'll miss it.
Instead of focusing on not having somebody there to cuddle up next to I have to think of how grateful I am that I can be 9 months pregnant (nearly) and able to sprawl out and take up the ENTIRE bed.
See what I mean? I've literally had to shift my thinking.

Things have not been easy: far from it!
But I've taken comfort in the fact that no pain is wasted.
Every tear that's fallen has a purpose and is going to be put to use.
Right now it's like I'm smack-dab in the middle of the book... the anxious chapters where all of the drama happens with plot highs (and lows). Reminding myself of that daily is crucial.
This is NOT the ending.... even though some days I question it and it certainly feels like it.
Some days I honestly just want to sit, quit, and fold my cards because I don't know how in the world I can take one more day of it. I think to myself,
"Oh how much easier to just call it quits. Give up. Move away. Nothing I'm doing is making a difference anyways"
But that's just stupidity (and being human!) Nothing goes away simply because you ignore it.

So yesterday:
was one of those low plot-points in this story.
(when I finally have that book written.... I'll put more in there. This blog: this is just a little window.  A sneak peek into what's going on.  A way to make sure I never get buried again in feeling like I have to hide what's going on in my life or be ashamed of the struggles I've been going through!)
I was frustrated at a phone call.
I let myself get offended and I let my feelings be hurt by words and actions.
..... or rather: inactions.
(because: yes. Whether you agree with me or not... something I've learned is that taking offense and having your feelings hurt is a CHOICE.)

I got upset.
SUPER upset.
I wasn't in a good mindset: I wasn't balanced.
I let myself get caught in the moment.
I stopped trusting the bigger plan.
I had a moment of weakness.
I focused on the short-term why and what if.
I let my brain get stuck on, "this isn't fair! This isn't right!"
I lost my focus that THIS is not the ending. There is a bigger purpose!
When you lose that focus?
....  Things like this happen: you allow yourself (or rather I allowed MYSELF)
to be swept away in the heat of the moment.
I got extremely emotional and upset and mad and sad and frustrated.
I only saw the bad: how is it fair that having Lia is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but - as it stands now - it's also going to be one of the most difficult times?
I focused on that.
So what did I do?
I took it out on my poor phone.
I didn't want to hear what was coming out of the phone anymore so I slammed it down as hard as I possibly could. In all theories.... it SHOULD'VE shattered beyond recognition by the amount of force I used on it.
.... nope.

Because when I picked it up: guess what? it was still functioning and he was still on the other line.
I was so mad. And at this point all I had accomplished was now not being able to turn it off or hang up.
I don't even remember what was said at the end I was so beyond myself and upset.
So I pitched that phone down the stairs where it promptly met the concrete floor of the basement.
My phone cover shattered into approximately 48 plastic shards all over.
and I just stood at the top of the stairs feeling incredibly stupid.
I realized: all of my pictures. All of my videos of my kids are on there.....
Then I wanted to just sit and cry some more because I was so mad at myself.

But that's when I heard a sound.
I could see pieces of my phone laying on the ground in the dark basement.
And I couldn't put it together.... where was that sound coming from and what was it?
I slowly started to walk down the stairs and as I got closer I noticed that I was hearing music.
I kept going and bent down to pick up each of the plastic pieces of shattered phone cover before locating the "large" part of my phone.
When I picked it up I realized it was playing my positive hits playlist.
Here's the song that was playing over my shattered, broken phone....
I encourage you to hit play and close your eyes and just listen to this song in its entirety.
It isn't just for me or about me.
It's for everyone who might be going through something right now and you're feeling overwhelmed.
I hope it gives you the same feeling it gave me:



I broke down and sobbed on the steps clutching this broken phone that - no matter how hard it was thrown or how much it came up against.... how shattered it was on the outside...  it refused to quit.
Instead it reminded me of where I should be focused right now.
I sat there on the steps crying listening to this shattered, broken phone continue to play songs that spoke right to my heart.



I realized I want to be like my phone and I'm going to think of it whenever I feel like I can't take any more.
I'm going to remember that no matter how many times you get thrown, smashed, shattered, or broken: you can still find a reason to sing.
You can still find a reason to have hope.
You can find a way to praise Him in the storm.
...remembering that He's bigger  than anything you might possibly be going through right now.

I hope my $100 lesson helps you a little, too.
(It was $100 because of the cost to replace the phone!)
Remember: whatever you're going through right now.... you're not alone.
You are loved more than you can imagine.
You have a purpose.
What you're going through has a purpose.
This is just the middle of the book: it's not the ending.

Thanks for reading and letting me share my journey: weaknesses and all!
PS - Thank God.... my phone held a charge long enough for me to plug it in and miraculously I was able to download all of the pictures and videos off of it and transfer them to my external hard drive before it turned off.
If you'd like to see the last video I took before this all went down: here it is  <3 

Campfire & The Sleepwalker

I have to start off this post by saying how incredibly grateful I am. Even right now.
Because as you'll read later on...
I had a really, REALLY stupid moment today and it's a miracle I even was able to salvage all of my photos and now be able to share them here with you.

By the way: as I currently type this I am getting the royal treatment. Christopher is brushing my hair and making me "look like a beautiful princess" Ok. That also involves using some eyeshadow which he has chosen the lovely colors of green and purple and is putting all over my face / arms.... so perhaps it looks more like I fell down a flight of stairs!  But that's ok :)  It's dark, I'm not going anywhere, it's relaxing and I SO needed this little special treatment tonight.
Such sweet boys I have. Seriously.
FACT: I would pay somebody equally as much to brush and / or play with my hair as I would for a massage. Does anyone else love it that much?!

So yesterday (Saturday) my mom came over and I made my week 35 vlog / blog.
Then I got some stuff done that needed to be done in the house.
And after the boys got up from their naps it was time to plan out our schedule for the week and have a little outside time enjoying the unseasonably gorgeous weather here while enjoying the beautiful display of fall colors.  I was homesick for Florida yesterday something awful.... I mean nearly physically sick I was missing it so much!  Since I can't exactly just hop in my car and roadtrip down to the ocean I found the next best thing to a Florida beach: a Wisconsin lake!

Here's a little insight: I know someday I'll be moving back to Florida. I know for certain that I am here in Wisconsin for a reason, though, and I'm at peace with being here right now. (Ironic.... I spent my greater childhood just waiting to get the heck out of here and I've come full-circle! Perhaps I should stick it out for once and prosper where I'm planted so I can advance to Stage 2 finally!) The fellowship I've found and the new friends that have been brought into my life, Christopher's school, the doctor we have now.... I couldn't ask for more. But eventually (this is on my dream board!) I want to split my time between Wisconsin and Florida.... with traveling around to other places in between that, of course!


planning the week!

Anyways:
so as you guys know I work from home.
And part of this whole "single mom"  ... ugh. I hate that phrase. Because I'm not exactly "single". Re-term it... "SOLO PARENTING" experience I am having right now has taught me how to be more organized. Now I find myself absolutely loving my calendar on my phone and my daily agenda and all of the whiteboard lists I have around the house.  Each week I get to take an hour of time out and go plan our week.  Otherwise there's NO WAY I'd be able to accomplish work, house, meal planning, blogging, homeschooling, doctor appointments, outings, YMCA.... ummmm.... no. I would be a hot mess!  When I don't have a vision or a plan for my time: it flies out the window!
So I can't complain with the view I had yesterday as I planned our week.

I plopped my butt down onto a lovely patch of soft grass atop a small hill and watched the boys slide down it on their butts and then skip rocks and sticks into the water.
Boats were gliding across the water: pulling the remaining die-hard brave watersport souls across the lake on tubes and skis... blaring tunes.  One in particular made me laugh: 2 guys on tubes being flung around the water to THIS tune!
"Yeah baby she's got it.... I'm your venus.... I'm your FIRE!"

So that was pretty hilarious.  The boys wanted to call their dad.... because they missed him.
When he was in town we all drove out to the lake one night and he spent some time with them skipping sticks and rocks into the water and it reminded them of that evening.
They miss him,

I was peaceful sitting there listening to the waves crash against shore and hearing the boys laugh and play.
Lia was rolling around and kicking me with her little elbows and knees and it made me smile knowing to soak it all up since I won't be feeling any of that in a couple of months!
Then we decided to drive around the lake a little and pick up sticks because the boys really wanted to have a campfire.
(PS - Ryan got FULL of red dirt ... you know... the kind that stains everything? So we had to strip him down and put him in the car and he ended up wearing one of his shirts like a tunic before getting him home to plop him straight into the tub before heading to the grocery store for a late-night s'more run!)

They love the local store here because they have the mini-carts and they get to push them for me.
It's so weird. I remember being little and getting to push the mini carts and feeling oh-so-grown-up!
Then we got back home and we crumpled up some old magazines for fire starters and loaded them into the outdoor chimenea; putting the sticks we'd gathered on top. It only took lighting the paper and ...
VOILA!
Fire!

It was a pretty proud moment. We sat out in lawn chairs around the fire, roasted marshmallows, made s'mores, looked at the stars, then watched videos on my phone about how stars are made (Christopher is very interested in it!) Then Ryan fell sound asleep in the chair and Christopher and I sat out in chairs for 30 minutes watching the coals die down.
Reminded me of living out in Missouri when we would sit around the campfire in the yard....
Made me realize you don't have to be in the middle of nowhere to enjoy the little things like that.
You can be in the middle of the city and it'll still be peace and quiet.

then we went into the house and as I was taking my contacts out in the bathroom Ryan stumbled in mumbling incoherently. Then I watched as he (with both eyes closed) lifted each leg over the side of the tub before sitting cross-legged in there. He was sleepwalking!  I took a video. It was adorable. I took a short video clip of it.

Anyways: about the phone.
So I had a bad moment. I let myself get stressed out an offended and hurt by some stupid words that somebody said.
So what did I do?
.... well. Let's say the phone went sailing.
But you won't even believe what happened afterwards.
It taught me a huge lesson!
I'll do a different blog on that....

Thanks for reading

...... HOMESCHOOLING?!

I know this isn't the "official" video or post on it:
But I hope this gives you a general idea of why we're choosing to to UNTRADITIONAL SCHOOLING.
Yes: the proper vocabulary usage is "nontraditional" ....
 but I like UNtraditional better. Feels a little more.... UNtraditional!

I decided to do this simply because of our lifestyle: not only do we eat and live differently but we also LOVE to travel!
I believe in having freedom. That freedom is what led me to pursue a different career path. How could I do that and then get tied down into a school system where our lives are literally ruled by school's time and calendar year?
How could I saying that our family time is limited because you can only take off so many days / year without being considered truant?
It was just : a crazy double standard to me.
One that I couldn't live by.

Life is so short: why spend most of your precious childhood indoors? I know from personal experience and from watching my own kids that life goes by so fast.
Why miss it? Why not enjoy it?
Why not see a sunny day and be able to take off and go to the beach instead of being tied to a desk (at school or at work?)
I want to be able to show my kids the freedom to design their own life and then teach them the self-discipline necessary to facilitate that.
I want them to know that just because everybody does it or because society says it's "normal"... doesn't mean that you have to follow suit and just go with the flow.
YOU can choose to be different.
YOU can choose your own path.
YOU can design your life.

That's my hope for my kids anyways.
So here's a little sneak peek into what's going on so far!
(PS - we started kindergarten with Christopher in the summer and he's HALFWAY done with the curriculum already!)

Thanks for watching!
and please: know that IF you have your kids in school....
I am in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM trying to make you feel bad!!!!!
No no no!!!!
Homeschooling is NOT for everyone!
This was just a very personal decision. One that I, PERSONALLY, struggled with.
And up until a time ago I thought people who homeschooled were outcast weirdos and homeschooling meant you had to dress them in khakis and bake pumpkin pie all day and never do anything cool.
I had NO idea it was do-able.... much less fun (and rewarding!)
So I wanted to shed light on that.
I completely respect every parent's decision and I absolutely appreciate the respect I get with the decision that I have made!  You all are fantastic.

Trippy Rainbow Relaxation Experience! Office Re-arranging and Weekend Stuff

TIMEHOP:

Aw.... 3 years ago today we were unpacking everything to move into our new house in Niceville, FL.

Christopher decorated Ryan with stickers.

Oh, how I miss Florida and can't wait to move back someday!

So in case you haven't read my blog on it: I'm at WEEK 35 in pregnancy!
Here's how my first night of listening to "Rainbow Relaxation" went.... 
I'm not sure if anybody else has experienced anything like this: but I certainly wasn't expecting it!
Like I said in the video.... this is my brain NOT on drugs. Can you even imagine it if I were?! Oh my gosh. No. Nope. 

Let me recap my "Rainbow Relaxation" experience: 
(if you watch the video below I explain it a little more.... it was....INTERESTING!)
I floated through some violet mist towards 
this beautiful, peaceful, relaxing stream in the middle of nowhere.  I just watched the sparkly blue water until I decided to
stroll across the lush green grass into the green forest where I finally found a beautiful, soft patch of green moss to lay down on.  As I lay on the moss I looked up and saw the 
warm sunshine with it's beautiful rays of warm light just shining down on me. I laid there and felt the warmth on my face and cheeks until I decided to get up and
walk a little until I came to this clearing in the woods filled with orange poppies.  The flowers were so pretty and I just watched them for awhile before finally
floating up into the clouds. 


Today I am re-arranging the office downstairs. 
This cozy house. Oh it's like tetris!
Even though it's 1/3 the size of our old house.... I can't complain because it's exactly what we need right now. And I know we won't live here FOREVER. 
Here's what I repeat to myself:
"be faithful with the little things and you will be made ruler over much"
it's essentially the "prosper where you're planted" philosophy and one of the laws of nature. 
If you want to be given more (bigger, better) then you have to be trusted with what you have first!
.... so that means taking care of this wonderful, adorable, cozy, tiny little house until it one day leads up into taking care of my "dream house"! This right here is just practice.
Plus it's REALLY forcing my creative side to come out as I try to fit everything just right in it's place.


My mom took the boys to the Adventure Center this morning so I could get some stuff done.
Which also included giving myself a fabulous new (NONTOXIC) manicure.
Excuse me.... "jamicure" ;) 
Oh I'm so glad I found these. 
And my  Jamberry consultant. She's so awesome!
Seriously: she's the best. So if you're looking for a place to order these / try these out you have to get them from her!
And I LOVE being able to support moms and wives in business. Doesn't that make more sense than just throwing your money at big corporations like Wal-Mart? 
(PS - I'm cheap. It's no secret. You all know I will hunt down a good deal and I RARELY EVER ever EVER buy anything that's not on clearance or at a discount....
But DON'T buy knockoff nail wraps from a store. They DO NOT come anywhere close. Mine peeled off within 2 days! TOTAL Waste of money!)
So if you haven't tried these yet you can get in touch with her HERE (yay she just got a facebook page going!) to try a sample or place your order (if you click the last link it'll take you straight to her site) She's fantastic!  Her name is Cindell. 
"Like" her page and tell her Sara sent you over.... maybe she'll throw in something extra special ;)


anyways. 

I also took some fun pictures today. I was loving my belly!
I figure I have to treasure and cherish it these last couple of weeks while I still have it because I am going to miss it when it's gone!  She's so peaceful and beautiful and wonderful already. 
I can't wait to meet my princess <3 











Oh.... by the way.
If you've ever gotten completely frustrated by the fact that your kids are just.... AGH!
No attention span. 
They can't play with something longer than 5 minutes.
Every night its 30 minutes to an hour of cleanup that HAS to be supervised by you ending up in disorganized chaos and you wanting to pull your hair out....
then I HIGHLY recommend doing a toy purge and just getting rid of EVERYTHING.
Or.... most of it and only keeping a very very few select amount of educational items.
It's been AMAZING!
More on my entire experience with this later and how exactly it went down.....

but long story short:
the kids play outside for HOURS at a time now and occupy themselves.
They have plenty of outside toys but what did they spend 2.5 hours playing with the other day?
Boxes. BOXES. B-O-X-E-S my friend. Making them into houses, pirate ships, you name it. 
Ahhh but they're so deprived my children :) 
Look at him all happy and stuff. 

Thanks for reading and following along on our family's journey!

35 Weeks Pregnant with Baby #3

Here: let's do a little fun comparison...

here was me at 33 weeks with Christopher, 33 and then 35 weeks with Ryan :) 

(FYI: Christopher was 10 lbs 3 oz at birth and Ryan was 10 days early and 8 lbs 6 oz.... so had he gone full term he would've been very near 10 lbs, too!)

I, personally, do not feel as large as I did with either of the boys! 

I feel much more like how I was at 31 weeks with them. 

Maybe that's because I've been swimming this pregnancy and just feel better in general (not as sore and more energy!) or HOPEFULLY it's an indicator that the little princess is going to be a wee bit smaller in size than those big brothers of hers. 

PREGNANCY STATS:

- weight gain: approximately 15 lbs 

- she is head down and moves A LOT!

- Lia is very scheduled. She moves at certain times. Sleeps at specific times. I feel she is a peaceful baby with a mellow yet adamant spirit. I don't think it's going to be ANYTHING like what I experienced with the boys. She wakes at 4, 7, and 10 pm. Then from around 11:30 / midnight until 7:30 / 8:00 a.m. she is..... sleeping. 

- cravings: none

- cold: FINALLY completely gone

- still swimming (well...who am I kidding....still FLOATING!)  Next week I have us booked for 6 days of swimming. I want to be ready for labor / delivery!

- started drinking my delicious third trimester / labor prep tea and started Evening Primrose Oil regimen more on that here

- NESTED. Got baby's stuff all ready and the complete last of things was ordered for her. 

(batteries for swing, bottles washed and ready, still need to completely pack / re-pack labor bag, though)

I have also started doing some "birth affirmations".  Sounds corny, I know. 

But seriously: when I was pregnant with Christopher and during the labor / delivery I learned a lot about myself. I learned to trust my body instinctively. Prior to this week I tried to take 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes before bed to just silently lay there and think about little baby. Now I'm actively visualizing everything and a good labor. I REALLY want her to come out in a state of peace. I do not want a repeat colic baby like with  Ryan. Kid cried every waking moment and was in a baby carrier between 16 and 22 hours PER DAY for his first 3 months of life. The doctors actually kicked me out of the ER because he had such extreme colic but there was nothing medically wrong and nothing they could do for me. Yep.  So: I want a peaceful baby and I want to do everything I possibly can to ensure I get one :) 

Anyways. 

I also really want to do this labor / delivery naturally. 

I just think: why not.

I mean: I won't kick myself if I end up with an epidural or something comes up.

I just really feel I want to try out this whole self-affirming hypno thing I'm trying out. 

Harnessing the inner warrior goddess of untapped potential. 

Ok - not that extreme. But: you get it ;) 

I just had such a beautiful experience when Christopher came out and it's a memory I'll remember forever and ever and ever just absolutely imprinted on my heart.

With Ryan? Yeah. I didn't have that. 

And I want it again.

Anyhow. Off to bed for me and the munchkin.

Tomorrow's plans: working online on my site and getting everything set up so after I have her I can easily transition back into working from home with the right foundation.

Then you all can follow my post-baby body journey! (or whatever you want to call it!)

Thanks for reading and following along my journey. 

You might also be interested in:

-- Name Reveal

-- 34 weeks (baby #2)

-- 35 weeks (baby #1) Oh my gosh.... I can't believe how different I am now!  I was so ....shy back then! PS - DO NOT USE THAT LAUNDRY DETERGENT FROM MY VIDEO! AGHHH!!!

.....how little I knew then.  WWW.NONTOXICDIVA.COM 

Feel free to subscribe to my YouTube channel if you'd like!

It's where I put out new videos, random life moments, updates.... etc. 

Pretty much anything going on and then I organize them into playlists.

Been vloggin' since 2009! Can't believe how much things have changed since then....

34 Weeks Pregnant

34 Weeks Pregnant:
Weight gain: 13 - 17 lbs (depending on the day. I was fluctuating with water weight!)
----> starting to feel antsy. Starting to feel uncomfortable. My pelvis hurts!  She feels lower and is getting bigger.
----> my visions of swimming laps like a champ up until 40 weeks pregnant were bunked.  I doggy-paddle / side swim down to one end and get winded easily.  My belly feels so weird in the water! When I'm in it I can easily make out every part of her adorable little body. I can distinctly feel knees (which she loves to jab out) whenever I swim on my stomach.

34 Weeks pregnant was definitely an interesting week.
RECAP: Thursday was the first day going to a get-together for Moms in town and I am SO glad I went. They had delicious, amazing food.... great company.... everything was decorated straight off of a Pinterest board, and there was free childare for the kiddos for the 2 hours we were there!  I met some incredible ladies and had a blast while my kids got to get some socialization, too.
You know, so they don't end up turning into socially awkward rejects because we're doing "untraditional schooling" and all WATCH VIDEO HERE
I left the meeting feeling completely refreshed.
Lia was kicking me during the meeting. I got to get dressed up and wear my grey lace dress, leggings, and new brown boots.
I enjoyed some yummy spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing.
I got to laugh with some like-minded ladies and share a little of our lives (ups and downs) and laughs.
I'm so glad I had that little mental pick-me-up because immediately afterwards I got a phone call I had NOT been wanting to get that had started coming the night before.
I had already known it was coming.
It had to happen.
Doesn't make it any easier.
I know that sounds so vague: but.... I just can't share everything here and now.
Just know that someday when I finish my book (when this chapter / story has an ending!) : you'll remember this blog post and you'll get to know the "behind the scenes" of everything. 
Lets suffice it to say that the bigger the mess: the bigger the opportunity for a really, REALLY great turnaround, right?
Anyways. I am glad that I had gotten refreshed before I got the phone call I did. It was hard.
At one hand I felt like my heart was shattering but on the other hand: (as crazy as this sounds) it makes me ..... a little....excited when things are just so unbelievably, ridiculously, unimaginably in such a state of chaos.
why?
Well.  Because I know God's promises. Promises for hope and a future. Promises that love never fails.  Promises to prosper us.  Promises that there will be seasons in our life; and if we are diligent we will reap a proper harvest.
Even if I didn't believe in God. It's scientifically proven: for every action there's an equal and opposite RE-action, correct? Yes. You can't dispute that because those are scientifically proven facts.
So on that theory: if something in life is awfully, AWFULLY bad.... then can't you also take hope in the fact that things (when they take a turn) will be equally and oppositely .... AMAZING...RIGHT? That gives me a little bit of sunshine, too.

So. Things may not be going in a way that I can figure out how or why.... but I'm still ok.
I still feel at peace.
And I'm sure being sick (Christopher picked up a nasty bug at school), getting stressed, and then having that darn shot on Wednesday that my body didn't like did NOT help as I ended up in the ER early Friday morning with terrible, terrible chest pains.
Ha. Maybe it was just a broken heart. Literally.
*knee slapper*
Ok. That's not very funny because that actually might've had something to do with it (although I know it wasn't the whole problem).
Anyways. Things turned out to be fine. They weren't exactly sure what was causing it. 

The next few days have just spent doing a lot of taking time out for myself and taking it very easy. 
Focusing a lot on relaxing and enjoying my boys. 
I know little Lia Bee is going to be here very soon and my life is going to get very, very different.

I do, though. Wish more than anything right now I had my whole family together.
I miss my husband something terrible.
And it seems the bigger my belly gets.... the more I miss him.
I've woken up a few times now and found that I was clutching his flag patch from his uniform or his dog tags or a picture of us. And I don't even know how I got them other than I must've woken up, sleepwalked, and got them sometime during the night.
Every time  I hear the neighbor pull in on his motorcycle or a car pulling into the drive - no matter what time it is - I wake straight up out of my sleep and pull the curtains back to see if it's Rob. 
I just keep thinking he's going to pull into the driveway anytime now and everything will be different.
Maybe that sounds crazy.
I don't really care. 
I just.... more than anything I want my family.
My WHOLE family.
Until then. I'm just over here doing my thing and holding down the fort. 
Waiting (sometimes) patiently. As patiently as I can anyways.
Because here's what I believe:

Love bears all things.
Love believes all things.
Love hopes all things.
Love never fails. 

Thanks for reading
Lots of love. 

Appointment Update (34 Weeks) and HILARIOUS Story From Yesterday "Tattoo in Fur" ....

I REALLY don't feel like typing everything today:
so you'll have to check out the video below! :)
Long story short: my hunch yesterday that I posted in this video (click to watch) WAS RIGHT! 

...and Lia is going to have to come in 4 weeks....
I KNOW.
"Baby will come when she's ready." 
"Don't rush it."
"You know: it's good to keep them in there as long as possible!" 
Rest-assured: I am not trying to go into labor in the next week or two.
 BELIEVE ME. I am soaking this all up!

But for a couple GOOD reasons I would like to go a little early.
1.)  Given my medical history / problems during delivery and history of large babies (Christopher was 10 lbs and had Ryan gone until his due date he would've been 10 lbs, too!) it would be VERY beneficial to Lia and I BOTH if she came a little earlier and was a WEE BIT SMALLER. 
Simply because I want to avoid a c-section as much as possible and I want my waterbirth!

.... which means I cannot have a big baby. Or they won't let me attempt delivery.

2.) And - I know this may be slightly self-ish - but my doctor will be out of town the last week of October until (I believe) November 1st or 2nd..... yeah. 
Obviously she's the only doctor I've been seen by, she knows my pregnancy, is VERY familiar with my history.... and I REALLY don't want to have some random doctor delivering Lia! 

Here's my thought:
 How fabulous to even have her on the 18th. Then the photographer that I SO BADLY WANT could even be there as well ;) 
So keep that in your thoughts / prayers. I'd like that to happen. hahaha
ok - got that Lia? 18th. Let's do this. :)

Directly below is the video overview and then below THAT video is the HILARIOUS thing that Christopher told some random lady in the store yesterday.... I couldn't even believe it.

Baby #3 : Name Reveal

                                                                                                   



























So I am SO excited to be able to post this blog...... I have been waiting anxiously!
We had LOTS of guesses on facebook as to what her name would be and I was really shocked at how many people absolutely nailed it and guessed the first / middle name that I would've put together!
I think - from what I can see, though: we only had ONE PERSON who actually guessed the correct first and middle name.  And I'm going to send her a little prize from my wellness blog (www.NonToxicDiva.com) Just some fun stuff to try out! 

Anyways:  I suppose if you're new here or visiting my blog for the first time: hi there and welcome!
This should bring you up to speed:
1.)  My name is Sara and I have 2 boys and 1 little girl on the way!
2.)  If you're curious as to why I'm currently a "single mom" then you're going to have to check out the featured blogs here and here.  They should bring you up to speed.
Yes it's incredibly hard doing things alone and I wish more than anything that we had our family together right now.... but sometimes life doesn't always go according to plan. So you can either sit there and complain about it OR you can figure out how to adjust.  I chose to adjust. 
I can't hide the fact that it would be so amazing to have my husband and have him here.... but that's just not where we're at right now!  So I enjoy my days and feel very blessed that I have 2 little munchkins that keep me very occupied (and laughing!)  We're getting VERY close to the end. Everything for baby girl is bought and put away.  Her clothes are washed.  The bags are packed and ready to go.  Let's say I'm "prepared" for her (just in case she decides to come early!) but I'm DEFINITELY not "ready" yet.  I haven't hit that point where I say, "Ok. I'm serving you an eviction notice little lady!"  
I have been so, so, SO blessed with a very easy pregnancy. 

AND NOW 
      for the moment you've -- perhaps -- been waiting for: 
THE MUCH ANTICIPATED.....
       NAME REVEAL VIDEO!!!

Thanks for watching!
You may also like the blog post:
Baby #3 "Fun" Facts and How The Name was Picked

You can leave a comment below,
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or connect on Instagram!
thank you all for the love --- so excited to be able to share our family's journey with you and
can't wait to introduce little Miss Lia Victoria in just a few short weeks!

Baby #3 : "Fun" Facts & How The Name Was Picked

In case you haven't already seen it:
you'll want to check out the last blog (click here) to watch the name reveal video.
But THIS blog is specifically for some interesting facts you might not know about Baby #3 (how she came to be) and HOW her name was picked out!

It's a pretty cute story. Obviously we were NOT trying for a baby.... um. No.
I had JUST moved into my house up here in WI and he was / is still in MO and planning to get out of the military.
I mean: honestly it was the WORST possible timing ever for a baby.
Did I mention the fact that we were / are separated? Yeah. So this pregnancy was obviously not planned.
I know: if you're new to the blog here I probably just dropped a total bombshell on you. So you'll probably want to backtrack and go read my featured blogs: Why I Walked Away and The Monster in my Marriage so you have some background info here!  Let's just say: I didn't leave because I wanted to or because I hate my husband. None of that.  I love that man and I want nothing more than to have our family!  But... unfortunately... anyways. Just read the blogs!

I never thought I would have kids.  I always saw other people's kids and it completely grossed me out.
All snot-nosed and crusty.  Just the thought of having to be responsible for another life was completely repulsive to my sort've self-ish nature (at the time). How would I ever be able to have a successful career if I was stuck at home wiping butts all day?  I mean SERIOUSLY!  And why in the world would I ever WANT to knowingly put myself through 9 months of (what I perceived as) torturous weight-gain, stretch marks, and physical pain?
No.  I was positive that I would never have kids.  Just the thought of pregnant bellies made me want to pass out because I have this very odd phobia of bellybuttons and.... ew.  When they stick out.  Yuck. I did NOT want to ever be pregnant. I thought maybe someday I would adopt. Maybe.

Well: HA HA HA.  Obviously there were other plans in store for my life.
 (And boy -- am I HAPPY about that!)
But seriously.... how things changed.
And how I finally knew the feeling of actually WANTING to have kids with somebody.
I remember when we were living at our house out in the country: a huge wooden house on 48 acres of land... completely surrounded by nothing. I remember washing dishes and looking out the window and there was my husband standing there on the patio.  And: I can't explain it but in that moment I saw him and just felt OVERWHELMED with this incredible amount of love that made my heart want to burst.  In that moment I KNEW what it felt like to actually want to have kids with someone!  I remember dropping the dishrag and just running out the back door to him and giving him a huge hug. (This was around the time he had gotten back from PTSD treatment. A time when we honestly had nearly 4 months of.... well... it was just amazing.  It's what our marriage COULD be. And it's also a reminder that you need to constantly work at it.  If I could go back: I would sell everything we had to make sure he continued to get counseling and help)
 Anyways: we already had Christopher and Ryan and up until then I never knew if I wanted more kids: but in that moment I was sure. And I just saw him.  I saw him with a little girl. I could completely picture it.
 I don't know how to describe this but sometimes I have little flashforwards. Is that what you'd call them?  Because they're not flashBACKS. But I just: I see things sometimes!  (hopefully that doesn't sound TOO weird! It's not all Sixth Sense, "I See Dead People" kind of thing" ....)

Anyways. He sort've laughed at me a little.  We had talked about it back and forth before - JOKINGLY - but it just wasn't the right time.  We had already started hearing the boys in their little rooms at night praying for a sister.  I stood outside the door one night and went to get Rob (my husband) out of the living room so he could listen, too.  Little 3.5 year old Christopher and 1.5 year old Ryan were in their room talking to each other about daddy going to "find" a sister (they thought every time he went out into the woods that he was going to look for one).  And there was Christopher... just praying away for a little sister so they could play with her and brush her hair.

Christopher prayed for a whole year. There was even one point where I was praying, too.  I thought.... well.  Anyways. Sounds ridiculous. So I won't type it. I'll share later. Maybe in my book. Too much to write here!  Anyways. It didn't happen.

I cried and cried. And I cried some more.
I couldn't see how they would ever have a little sister after I left and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That stung.

And then: well.
It's sort've weird.
So as you know Rob was down in Missouri yet.
I moved up here: I went down in January to get all of my stuff out of our home in Missouri. 
(Worst and hardest things I have EVER had to do. In my life. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up and cry all at the same time). Anyways: I was up here and he was stressed and sad and upset and hurt. 
And I don't blame him. He couldn't understand why I left. I couldn't help him. I needed time to just heal myself.
 Then to make it worse he found out that one of his favorite Uncles had passed away.  It was a complete shock. He had (seemingly) been in perfect health: he had 3 young boys (9,7, and 5).  
And boom: he had a heart attack. 
So the only reason he (Rob) came up here was for his uncle's funeral.
(At this point I was so stressed. SO unimaginably stressed.  I wanted my husband and marriage more than anything in the world but for whatever inexplicable reason I KNEW I had to stay put and that I had made the right decision. Try explaining THAT one to your spouse and expect them to just say, "ok") 
I don't even know how I made it through the day those first couple of months on my own. 
I was completely emotionally wore out. It took everything I had to be  mom and get through the day.
  Probably why I was also in the hospital 3x and having heart problems.

Anyways: he was coming up here.  So we met in the Dells. I was nervous and sick about it all at the same time.  I wanted to see him; but yet... I didn't.  I knew it would hurt too much.  and it was going to hurt to have to say, "No. I need to stick with my decision." because I knew it would hurt him.  And I was in such a weird place. I was trying to bury my feelings and do anything I can to NOT feel because I thought that if I did then... well. I knew I would end up back in MO and it was NOT the right time because I had to make some changes for myself!  Anyways. The only reason he came back was for the funeral: like I said.

I had asked him to stay at a hotel when he was in the area (I knew it would be too hard for me to have him with us!) but then Weird Thing #1 : his bank cards were declined and so were mine because we were traveling.... so there was no money and he HAD to stay with me. 
Yeah.  That was .... I was scared. To have him here. I didn't want to "feel" anything anymore.... and this COMPLETELY broke through my barriers. 
(But it was also the best blessing in disguise)

So he came to stay: we had our moments & NO it was not all "fairy-tale"ish.... but: I started to think....  just maybe there's a reason for all of this. Just maybe this is part of the plan.

A couple days after he got into town we attended his uncle's funeral together.
It was so difficult to see his aunt and those three little kids up there. 
Knowing they would never be able to see their dad.
Knowing she would never get to hold her husband again and just hear him say, "I love you."
It broke my heart. But: it also opened it.
I realized I didn't want to quit.
I realized - in that moment (of all places) - that I loved the man next to me more than anything in the world and I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to lose my husband, I didn't want my kids to lose their dad, and I didn't want my family to be torn apart by ANYTHING that could be helped, prevented, or fixed.

It was there in that church when I took his hand... him wearing his suit... me wearing my black dress.
Watching everyone cry.  Feeling such intense sadness but such love in his strong hand as I glanced over at him. I knew in that moment what I wanted. My heart just welled up.
Nothing else mattered. 
It didn't matter what anyone thought. What I thought. I just knew.
And that was a defining moment for me.  Up until then I was plagued by indecision. 
That is NOT an understatement.
Indecision can LITERALLY take you to low places.  It blows you back and forth.
You have no grounding. You feel like you're spinning out of control.
"wishy-washiness".
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Indecision is the worst torment.
I didn't know if I could ever "feel" again. But the moment I made the DECISION to feel. 
The moment I made the DECISION to love no matter what and give it my all:
 that's when everything changed.

See what I learned was this.  Probably one of the most powerful life lessons I've ever learned and I want to share it with you:
Feelings follow action. Action follows decision.
You're not always going to FEEL intensely in love with someone.
That's where you still make the decision to love them anyways. 
And you know what? Your FEELINGS will follow!
.... more on this later. I've learned SO MUCH about it..... I can't wait to share.
When I do the blog post on it. I'll post the link HERE. 


So a couple days after the funeral...(TMI part!)
I remember thinking to myself: "huh. This is weird. I almost feel like I'm having ovulation cramps. " even though I had JUST had my period. Literally. 3 days before that. And my cycles have been regular since I was 14! 28 and 32 days ovulating at 14th day and the 16th day.  I know my body.
So I remember thinking that and telling Rob and he was like, "No. You're not"
Well then it was the night or two before he was supposed to leave and we were watching a movie in the living room when we hear this awful crunching scraping noise. And we look out the living room window (over the5 foot high snowbank) and he says, "I think somebody just backed into my car!  They're doing a hit and run!"
"Luckily" it was just the neighbor's daughter.... long story short: we're pretty sure it was on purpose. DOESN'T MATTER. Whatever. But the problem?  His car wasn't driveable.  He had to take it in to have it repaired.
So.... that was odd thing #4. (The others were his uncle passing away unexpectedly and then his bank cards getting declined and then me feeling like I ovulated a week early: which I DID!)

And needless to say: yes. we did..... you know. ANYWAYS! 

Well: fast-forward a couple weeks and I was in Florida with my mom and the boys for vacation.
I could smell things I couldn't usually smell. 
And I had this oddly happy, carefree feeling that I usually only had when I was pregnant. 
But I thought, "No. No way!  There's NO WAY I ovulated an entire week early!"
So I texted Rob anyways. "Hey. I think I might be a couple days late. I think I might be pregnant"
And I called him. And he was like, "No. You're not pregnant. Remember how many times you thought that before? Just go get a test and call me back or something."
and I remember thinking. "Ok. Yeah. He's right. False alarm." ..... but inside I just knew.
So I left my mom and boys at the hotel and went to clean out the car (aka drive to Walgreens and get some prego tests and then proceed to drive across the freeway to the WaWa gas-station just so it wasn't SO obvious!)

I have footage from that first day and immediately after I found out.  I haven't shared my initial reaction with ANYONE yet!  

And THAT'S WHEN I saw those 2 pink lines.

After the shock wore off.... I was excited.
And I remember calling Rob. And he was excited.
(my hormonal anger outburst from the previous day made PERFECT sense! Oh my gosh.... I was pregozilla....a complete and total crazy, angry b****!!! I was TERRIBLE! And I remember thinking: what the HELL is wrong with me?!  Why am I so cranky?!  I feel like I have road rage!)

Then I called to make my OB appointment and they asked me the first day of my last period. 
And it was July 28th. The day his uncle passed away. 
Which is TECHNICALLY the day they start counting your pregnancy from.
So that was odd.
And then I thought about it: the ONLY reason I got pregnant (I knew my date of conception) was because he was up there for the funeral, his bank cards were declined, my body over-rode it's 10-year-long stretch of ALWAYS being "on-time" and I ovulated an ENTIRE WEEK EARLY and because his car had gotten backed into and he had to stay in town longer than expected.
Sort've .... bizarre when you think about how everything is connected.

WELL: 
there's a little inside info that I doubt anybody knew up until this point!
Now onto the actual "how her name got picked" portion of the blog!
Let me just say that I ABSOLUTELY wanted Viviana Claire.
Viviana means "full of life" and Claire means "clear, brilliant"
I wanted to call her Vivi! 
Rob picked some more.... traditional Polish and Russian names. (Our last name is VERY Russian)
Ok. For starters let's just remember some of the names he chose for Ryan (had we not settled on Ryan)
-- Sherman
-- Floyd
-- Steve
-- Pierce
-- Howard 
-- Charles
.......... need I say more? We obviously have very DIFFERENT tastes when it comes to names.

(had this little one been a boy he found the name "Bogdan" and really liked it ......) Oh my. Definitely unique... I will say that much!

But I have been picking out little girl names ever since I was little!  So obviously I wanted to be the one to name her.

Well I loved Viviana Claire.
Or Audrey Claire.  Or Audrey Elizabeth.
If I ever had twin girls I wanted to name them Natali Victoria and Viviana Nicole. (See what I did there flip-flopping the "N" and "V" names?) Well when I found out it wasn't twins those went off the table. 
When I asked Rob he threw in names such as:
Ivana. Roxana. Alejca (a Polish name and variation for "Alice" which is his Grandma's Name). Mary (his Grandma's name) 
A couple were very nteresting. And - of course- it was precious that he wanted to name her after his Grandmas.

Well. Were we both in for a surprise.

So THAT is exactly how her name got to be picked out!
I guess I will just have to get a fish and name it Viviana Claire.
I have to say, though: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Nothing may ever go according to plan.... but that's life.
It's a little un-traditional.
It's absolutely unpredictable.
But I still love it and I'm grateful for it every single day!

thanks for reading!